thoughts..

Change is in the air..

Today I got an email from my sister about Christmas at our parents' house. I love the holidays and the traditions that we have as a family. There's always a big baking weekend before Christmas and my mom decorates the house and Christmas carols are playing in the background. You can't really describe the wonderful feelings that are in the air during the Christmas season. It really is about the time that we have together. Then on Christmas Eve, we have a dinner together (used to be pizza but now is gumbo). Then my dad puts out the luminarios and us kids help him out while my mom gets the dessert trays ready. Then we get together in the living room. When all of us were younger, we would get ready for bed and put on our pajamas. Sometimes, if the weather is cold, we light a fire in the fireplace. The four kids take turns going one at a time and choosing a present from under the tree, we announce who it is for and who it is from. I love this time together as a family. When we're done, we put our presents under the tree for Santa to see and my parents stay up in front of the fire. The kids head off to bed. When we were younger, all four of us would sleep in the same bed.... well, we wouldn't sleep cause we were way too excited about Christmas. We would tell stories and laugh and have a great time. None of us ever snuck out of bed because we were afraid that if we caught Santa, we wouldn't get any presents. Then, on Christmas morning, we would wait until the designated time and then go wake our parents. We would sit on the couch in the living room trying to see everything that Santa had brought us and wait for our parents to get their cups of coffee. Then my dad would say we could see our presents. After we saw our presents, we would head off to church and then have a wonderful brunch (the usual Deviled Egg Casserole, a coffee cake, and other goodies). Then the rest of the day would be spent playing with our new presents or playing games together. No matter what it was that we were doing, we were spending the day together.

This is where my sister's email came in today. I love my family and really struggle with pursuing my dreams because of the fact that I can't do it in Baton Rouge. I think this is one of the big reasons that I cling to family traditions. I miss my family terribly and feel as though life is passing me by. One of my sisters is married with two boys, the other sister is engaged, and my little brother is in a committed relationship with an awesome girl. And here I am, alone in Texas. I miss out on all the family gatherings and it kills me. I wish that I could live back in Baton Rouge and still be able to have the opportunities that I am having.

Last year, my sister's fiance got a little tired towards the end of the present opening on Christmas Eve because he felt as though it was taking forever. I know that he didn't grow up with the same traditions that we did but I feel as though he should have been a little bit more respectful about our traditions instead of complaining. Well, my sister emailed us and said that she thought that this year it might be better if we all opened each others presents at the same time - I would pass out my presents to everyone and they would open them at the same time, she would pass out hers, and so on. Essentially, it would end up being that we only had six turns to open presents instead of 36 or however many. I hate that I feel as though our society is moving towards a faster, better, more efficient mindset. Why can't we stop to smell the roses? We miss out on so many things when we're speeding through life like the year Jason made a mask out of a shoe box or taking the time to thank each other and see the joy and surprise on their faces when they open the presents.

This email was followed by my other sister emailing to say that her family was starting their own Christmas tradition and they would not be over on Christmas Eve to open presents. I know that this was to be expected but I feel like my heart is breaking. I know that sounds a bit extreme but I am seriously in tears thinking about this. I can't help but start to dwell on the future and become depressed by what I see. I know that as my other sister and brother get married and start families of their own, they, too, will have their own Christmas traditions. I worry for my parents and what happens when they no longer have kids home on Christmas Eve to celebrate with them and spend time with them. Then I think about both my dad's side of the family and my mom's. My dad's side just started having family reunions so we see them once a year. I rarely see anyone on my mom's side of the family. These are their siblings. Really? Is this what I have to look forward to? Maybe seeing my siblings once a year? I hate to think that this is the future. I don't live in Louisiana, it's not as easy as driving home on the weekend and spending time with them either. Then I think about my grandfather. He hadn't seen his sisters in years ... YEARS. It is so incredibly depressing. Sometimes, I seriously consider giving up on my dreams and settling for a job in Louisiana. I know that my parents are proud of me but is it all worth it if I'm so far away?

thoughts..

Platinum

so no lie ... sometimes I secretly wish that when I get married I can have a Platinum Wedding like you see on We TV. Some of it is cheesy but overall, I think it's really pretty and fun stuff. Definitely opulent for sure. Although I would NEVER pay that much ($20,000 - $60,000) purely on linens for tables. That's just stupid.

Mad props

So I went out to a middle school today to lead some Start First groups. One of the things that I constantly hear from kids is how amazingly tall I am. It didn't help today that I was wearing 4 inch heels. However, I loved it when I was standing in the cafeteria looking for my kids when a 7th grade girl came up to me with one of her friends. Neither of them said a word to me the entire time. The 7th grader stood next to me and barely reached my shoulder. She straigthened up as best as she could to get every last possible centimeter and then asked her friend in all seriousness which one of us was taller. I had at least a foot on her and she was just standing there trying so hard to be as tall as I. I loved it. Things like this make my day :-)

Today was the last time ...

I registered for classes for graduate school! I have six months left until I am completely done. Wow, time is flying by. I think I've managed to get a somewhat okay hold on my stress right now. But I also have a paper due tomorrow that I have not begun to write and it's 9:32 PM. I'm not going to bother writing it tonight either. Technically, I have until midnight on Friday. I'll do it tomorrow.

I've been doing a lot of reading to prepare me for my internship next semester. Right now, I'm reading 135 days with Elena - Notes Left Behind about a 6 yr old with diffused brainstem glioma. I am constantly amazed by the strength of children and the knowledge that they possess when they are sick. It's been a tough read but really insightful. It's written by her mother and father as a journal for her little sister to remember her by. It is full of raw emotions and all the questions that no one wants to ask or thoughts that people are too afraid to voice. It's really good. I need to get around to booking my flight up to Baltimore in December for orientation. I'm getting more and more excited about it but still having trouble realizing how incredibly amazing this is. I mean, who all can say that they interned at Johns Hopkins? Really, that's some craziness right there. I've also been playing around looking at different places for rent in case I do end up with a job there after I graduate. I found a couple of cute apartments/townhomes that are for rent. I do know that I don't want a place that has the typical apartment feel to it. I want an apartment home. Preferably a townhome or rowhouse to be exact. I'm excited to have a grown up life with a grown up place. I have a great place right now but I'm still in graduate school and have some furniture that can be upgraded to grown up. I'm excited :-) I keep thinking about different goals too. I think I'm going to look into Spanish classes too so that I can work on becoming fluent. It's always helpful to be able to speak more than one language.

And in other news, I had some Start First groups today at a middle school. Start First is an in school violence prevention education program that teaches students positive coping skills to some of the negative behaviors that they might be seeing at home or in their community. Today, I was working with a group of seventh grade boys and asking them when they think of their ideal girl that they would want to go with, what does she look like? Well, I started hearing responses like, "wears glasses", "brown hair", "earrings", "brown shoes", and other very descriptive qualities that described how I look today. Ha! I was flattered and made them focus on inner qualities that they would like. They're really sweet kids. Always a joy to work with.