Tattoos

I've decided to get another tattoo :-) I'm getting the fleur de lis but not because the saints won the superbowl (amazing) but because all of my tattoos are symbolic of important people, moments, and places in my life. I don't get them because I think they're "pretty" or "cool". I get them because I like them and I like having those constant reminders or memories as part of me physically. I will never have a butterfly or japanese character tattooed on me. No. Never. Ever. There is one tattoo that I have which is my least favorite. I would like to get it redone somwhere else. Coincidentally, this one tattoo also is the most sentimental out of all of them. I hate that it's the one I like the least. Another thing with my tattoos is that I like the creative side of them. I don't like tattoos that look like the real thing. So the fleur de lis that I'm getting is not your average run of the mill fleur de lis. It's got a funky flair to it.

And back to the question of why. What significance does the fleur de lis have? I've come to the realization that I will probably never live in Louisiana again. Baton Rouge will always be my home and parts of Louisiana have captured my heart and I love that it has had that affect on me. The Atchafalaya River Basin at sunset will always be an amazing sight. However, I have learned that you do not have to be "home". "Home" is something that you can carry with you tucked away in the corners of your heart brought to surface by visual reminders. This is the case for me when I look at the night sky. My mother and I were terrible at finding constellations but could always find Orion's Belt. When I moved away almost five years ago, Orion's Belt provided a sense of comfort to me as I remembered all those times my mom and I stood outside trying to find the Big Dipper or the Little Dipper or anything beside Orion's Belt. So of course it made perfect sense when I chose to get a tattoo of Orion's Belt. It might as well have said MOM in a big red heart but like I said, I like the creativity aspect. These reminders of whole have come to surface this past football season as everytime I see a fleur de lis, I am transported back to Louisiana and all the fond memories that I have of my home.

Change is in the air..

Today I got an email from my sister about Christmas at our parents' house. I love the holidays and the traditions that we have as a family. There's always a big baking weekend before Christmas and my mom decorates the house and Christmas carols are playing in the background. You can't really describe the wonderful feelings that are in the air during the Christmas season. It really is about the time that we have together. Then on Christmas Eve, we have a dinner together (used to be pizza but now is gumbo). Then my dad puts out the luminarios and us kids help him out while my mom gets the dessert trays ready. Then we get together in the living room. When all of us were younger, we would get ready for bed and put on our pajamas. Sometimes, if the weather is cold, we light a fire in the fireplace. The four kids take turns going one at a time and choosing a present from under the tree, we announce who it is for and who it is from. I love this time together as a family. When we're done, we put our presents under the tree for Santa to see and my parents stay up in front of the fire. The kids head off to bed. When we were younger, all four of us would sleep in the same bed.... well, we wouldn't sleep cause we were way too excited about Christmas. We would tell stories and laugh and have a great time. None of us ever snuck out of bed because we were afraid that if we caught Santa, we wouldn't get any presents. Then, on Christmas morning, we would wait until the designated time and then go wake our parents. We would sit on the couch in the living room trying to see everything that Santa had brought us and wait for our parents to get their cups of coffee. Then my dad would say we could see our presents. After we saw our presents, we would head off to church and then have a wonderful brunch (the usual Deviled Egg Casserole, a coffee cake, and other goodies). Then the rest of the day would be spent playing with our new presents or playing games together. No matter what it was that we were doing, we were spending the day together.

This is where my sister's email came in today. I love my family and really struggle with pursuing my dreams because of the fact that I can't do it in Baton Rouge. I think this is one of the big reasons that I cling to family traditions. I miss my family terribly and feel as though life is passing me by. One of my sisters is married with two boys, the other sister is engaged, and my little brother is in a committed relationship with an awesome girl. And here I am, alone in Texas. I miss out on all the family gatherings and it kills me. I wish that I could live back in Baton Rouge and still be able to have the opportunities that I am having.

Last year, my sister's fiance got a little tired towards the end of the present opening on Christmas Eve because he felt as though it was taking forever. I know that he didn't grow up with the same traditions that we did but I feel as though he should have been a little bit more respectful about our traditions instead of complaining. Well, my sister emailed us and said that she thought that this year it might be better if we all opened each others presents at the same time - I would pass out my presents to everyone and they would open them at the same time, she would pass out hers, and so on. Essentially, it would end up being that we only had six turns to open presents instead of 36 or however many. I hate that I feel as though our society is moving towards a faster, better, more efficient mindset. Why can't we stop to smell the roses? We miss out on so many things when we're speeding through life like the year Jason made a mask out of a shoe box or taking the time to thank each other and see the joy and surprise on their faces when they open the presents.

This email was followed by my other sister emailing to say that her family was starting their own Christmas tradition and they would not be over on Christmas Eve to open presents. I know that this was to be expected but I feel like my heart is breaking. I know that sounds a bit extreme but I am seriously in tears thinking about this. I can't help but start to dwell on the future and become depressed by what I see. I know that as my other sister and brother get married and start families of their own, they, too, will have their own Christmas traditions. I worry for my parents and what happens when they no longer have kids home on Christmas Eve to celebrate with them and spend time with them. Then I think about both my dad's side of the family and my mom's. My dad's side just started having family reunions so we see them once a year. I rarely see anyone on my mom's side of the family. These are their siblings. Really? Is this what I have to look forward to? Maybe seeing my siblings once a year? I hate to think that this is the future. I don't live in Louisiana, it's not as easy as driving home on the weekend and spending time with them either. Then I think about my grandfather. He hadn't seen his sisters in years ... YEARS. It is so incredibly depressing. Sometimes, I seriously consider giving up on my dreams and settling for a job in Louisiana. I know that my parents are proud of me but is it all worth it if I'm so far away?