One of those days.

I cried on the way home from work today. I needed to. It was a rough day and a rough week.

I saw my first dead body today. He looked so peaceful and frail. I found out though in the room that I have a weird fear (which before I say it, I would like to point out that I'm not the only one - R said he had it too!). I suddenly worried that he was going to sit up and open his eyes .. almost zombie like. I found out later that dead people can have muscle spasms and even possibly take a breath. Freaky. R said he would probably yelp if that happened to him.

I got in a heated argument with my supervisor. I hate confrontation. I avoid it. But I was told that if I didn't speak up then the next intern she got would be treated the same way. I said that by now I would have hoped that I had proven that I'm a detail oriented person who is capable of getting her work done and that I think she could trust me a little more. She said that she doesn't trust anyone and that these were our patients' lives that we were dealing with. I took offense to that and stated that I was aware that these were lives we were working with and I would NEVER do anything that would jeopardize their health which I thought I had already demonstrated when I found out that a nurse hadn't discharged my client with the necessary medications. She went on to say that she hovered and that wasn't going to change. I said that I felt like she was treating me like I was incompetent. She said that she didn't think I was incompetent and that couldn't I see that because she praised me a lot to which I responded that yes, she praised me and I appreciated that but I was just asking for three more feet on the leash. End of story - she said it wasn't going to change. Great....

There was a lot of death, pain, and sadness on the unit this week. It just wears on you. I love that I am there for these families but I grieve for all the ripple losses that they'll experience after their loved one dies.

I'm so ready for a change. I'm heading to Philly this weekend. I need to get away.

Exhausted

I climbed into bed tonight at 8 pm. I just caught up with a friend on the phone and am ready to go to sleep. I am so exhausted both mentally and physically. I know that part of the reason is that I am still adjusting to my new routine. The mornings come so early! But another thing that I have noticed is that death brings mental exhaustion - not just for the person who is dying but for all those involved in that person's journey. I wonder sometimes if it's easier to be a family member who can express their feelings instead of a social worker who maintains composure at all times.

I sat in a room this week as we talked to a patient, his wife, and his mother about his discharge plans. He was going home to receive hospice care - he was going home to die. I grieve for this person and his children. I grieve for the father/daughter wedding dances that will never happen, I grieve for all the milestones that require the presence of a father. And I realized that the people that I meet on my unit are so much stronger and braver than I would ever be in the same situation. It tires me and hurts my heart to learn their stories and think about how death will forever change their lives.

I wish that I was not as tired as I am so that I could express everything I'm thinking and feeling at this moment but I believe sleep would be best for me at this point.

Rest Stop

Ho hum. I've been reading some friend's blogs lately and the way that they write and the profound things that they write about makes me feel really ... hmmm ... well maybe jealous is the word to describe it. I wish that I could write with the conviction that I see them write with but I have to remember that we're all unique and have our own special talents and gifts. I'll just keep telling myself that when a little bit of jealousy creeps up.

Oh my goodness was the past weekend insane. I'm very upset and afraid that I didn't act like a very good Christian or instrument of God's will. I have to remind myself that kindness kills .. or at least I need to try kindness when that's the very last thing I want to do. First of all, Continental Airlines provided the absolutely worst experience ever in travel. My flight Saturday morning was cancelled due to the major snowstorm that hit Catonsville and the Northeast in general. I got a text and at 5:30 am called Continental to reschedule my flight. After three hours on hold, I finally got someone who first told me that they automatically reschedule people for the next available flight and that would be Saturday the 26th, after Christmas and the day my family leaves for a cruise. Not acceptable. Then she told me that she actually can't do anything, I have to wait for Continental to call me to reschedule. Okay, I checked with her to make sure they had the right number, thanked her, and then hung up to wait for my phone call. I looked at the BWI website and saw that Southwest had flights still going in and out so I looked on their website and my parents graciously bought me a one way ticket to Dallas today. Thank goodness because I still haven't heard from Continental and every number I could find for them is answered by a computer voice saying they're not accepting calls at this time. Just wait until they are .... ooh, it makes me mad. And then the incompetent people at Nissan can't figure out how to change my billing address. I do feel bad about how I handled that phone call and hope that debacle has been settled.

I had to write a journal for my time at orientation this past week and I realized something as I answered the section where I talk about my thoughts and feelings regarding my experiences. I said that I didn't know how I was going to react to the suffering and death around me that I will see on a daily basis. I know that my faith and beliefs will be challenged continuously and I will most likely never come to an understanding about life and the atrocities that happen. If I start to dwell on the idea of human suffering, I struggle because I know that in order to know what happiness is we have to know what sadness and suffering are. But to what extent? Is it part of the balance that we have to watch our loved ones suffer and die from things that they don't deserve? I don't mean to sound judgemental but the people who smoke several packs of cigarettes a day and develop lung cancer may have been able to avoid that but what about the people who don't smoke and still develop lung cancer? Where is the justice in that? My viewpoint at one time was that when we have done what we are supposed to here on Earth, our time is up and we die. I was okay with this belief until you bring cancer, disease, murder, car accidents, and other horrific things into the equation. If we die when we've accomplished what we are meant to, why does it have to be in such a painful, suffering manner? That's not right. So I don't know why bad things happen to good people and I don't know why God lets it. It pains me to read about genocide in Darfur, starving orphans in Guatemala, and all the other atrocities that have happened. I still get really upset about the Holocaust and will argue passionately with people who believe it never happened (I have actually gone back and forth with Bradley Smith, the founder of CODOH - Committee for the Open Debate on the Holocaust). If it pains me, I cannot even begin to fathom the pain that God is in watching His children harm so many others. But then I realize that when I'm not acting in a Christian manner, I am probably causing Him sadness as well. I want so badly to live as an instrument of His will but still find myself struggling with maintaining a Christian mindset daily. I have friends that I believe are absolutely wonderful examples of Christians and love in the world today. It's kind of funny that these same friends are also the ones that I believe are extremely profound in their blogs. So not only am I jealous of their writing abilities, I'm jealous of how they live their lives. This is something that I am beginning to think more about as 2010 rolls around. I'm tired of saying I want to do this and I want to do that. The time to live and act is now. I am going to try so hard to provide a good example of living a Christian life and being an instrument of God's will. I understand that this means no more gossiping and that really will be a hard one for me to let go of.

I also learned through reflection that my anger about why bad things happen is a cover for grief. It is easier for me to be angry about children losing their mothers and people having to suffer than grieve for everything that is being lost with their loved one. When a person dies, it isn't just the loss of a life. It's the loss of a relative, friend, jogging partner, golf buddy, foot massager, cook, maintenance man, and all the many different roles that people play in our lives. Death has a ripple effect that cannot be seen until it is experienced. My grandfather died this past summer and with his death, I lost bear hugs, stories about his youth, stamps, a smile with twinkling eyes, birthday cards, and the look that he gave me as he put his hands on my shoulders that said I'm proud of you. Not only did I lose these things but I lost milestones to be shared. I'm graduating in May and wish my grandparents were around to see it. One day I might get married and have kids and I wish that they would be able to know my grandparents. I'm not angry though. I grieve. I grieve for all the ripples, as far reaching as they are, that death brings with it.

In other news, breakfast with I went well. I really didn't know what to think about this in terms of friendship or relationship or whatnot but I decided to just go with the flow and see what happens. He shared some of his life story with me and it's a pretty intense one that I would love to hear more about. He's a really interesting individual that is starting to challenge something I said in one of my posts a couple months ago but that would be a post for another day - I still need to think about it. We've been chatting since Friday's breakfast and will be making plans to hang out when I get back up north. We've both agreed that we're interested in seeing where this goes. I feel like I could devote a whole post to love and how Disney movies and romantic comedies have screwed me up for life. But I'll just end with I'm learning to not hold my breath and go with the flow and see where this road takes me ...

Ponderings

When I started this blog, I thought that I would use it to help me navigate this crazy little thing called life. I have realized that sometimes I need to "empty my bucket" of stress and sadness that I carry around. This blog has become an outlet of sorts and I know over the next several months of my internship it will only become more so as I struggle with the challenges to my beliefs, my faith, and the meaning of life. I'd be naive to think that I won't be challenged or angered by what I see and experience first hand. I also know that I can't just write about the sad things because people will stop reading which I'm not writing this for anyone anyway but I know people do read it and I don't want to depress them constantly. I was told once that I shouldn't focus just on the negatives and depressing things because it gets others down and that I should also share the joys. So that's what I intend to do. Of course with confidentiality rules, my rantings about my internship will be vague and unidentifiable. I just don't know how much I'm willing to share about my life outside of my internship. I had a blog before and I wrote about everything going on which looking at now makes me seem rather shallow and vapid. So I guess we'll just take this one day at a time and see what happens.

Today was my first day on the unit floor. I am shadowing my supervisor for two days before I head back to Waco. I absolutely loved everything about it. The fast paced feeling and the great sense of teamwork amongst the staff. I attended a couple of meetings. It was in the second meeting that something was said that has really stuck with me. I think ... ok, I hope that by blogging about this that I'll be able to deal with it and move on. Compassion fatigue is a risk with oncology social work and I need to practice self care to try and keep this from happening. Anyway, young mother of three has a prognosis that's not very good. Pretty much, she's dying. This isn't what bothered me. We had a couple of young people on the unit who are dying. And yes, it does upset me but I know that death is inevitable. It's not my job to save their lives, in fact, I can't save their lives. And yes, dying sucks. But what has upset me is that fact that she has accepted that she is dying. I don't know her and I don't know what she's thinking. My thoughts just keep going to her three children. The youngest one is old enough to understand what is happening but will miss out on so many things. This is where I get upset thinking about this child and the milestones that are still ahead of them in life that should be shared with a mother. We all think well if it was me I would do this and I would do that but honestly, I think I would fight. I would fight whatever is ravaging my body until it wins. I will not give up. I can't. I would need my family to know that I gave it my all to try and stay here with them on this earth. That I fought to see them grow up and go off to school dances, band concerts, prom, graduations, wedding, grandkids. I wouldn't say that I've accepted death. I will not accept death at a young age. I will only begin to think about accepting death when I can reflect on my life and say wow, I really lived and saw so many things and shared so many experiences. And I hope to be well into my 90s or 100s by the time this rolls around. I also think it's different when you have a kid. You have someone to live for. Someone that's counting on you and your guidance. I'm not angry at this mother. Not at all. Like I said, I don't know her or her experiences. I'm upset for her children who are going to have to experience milestones without their mother physically present.

Tomorrow is a new day. We'll see how it goes. Should be good though. I'm starting off with breakfast at 7am with I and then off to a Morbidity and Mortality conference. I works nights and gets off at 7 so it works out for the both of us to meet for breakfast when he's getting off and I'm starting. Not holding my breath on anything here. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, I have a friend here to hang out with. I'm so thankful for Ashley making me read a certain book. I feel so much better about relationships and am not as stressed about them. I already have enough stress in my life.