Ponderings

When I started this blog, I thought that I would use it to help me navigate this crazy little thing called life. I have realized that sometimes I need to "empty my bucket" of stress and sadness that I carry around. This blog has become an outlet of sorts and I know over the next several months of my internship it will only become more so as I struggle with the challenges to my beliefs, my faith, and the meaning of life. I'd be naive to think that I won't be challenged or angered by what I see and experience first hand. I also know that I can't just write about the sad things because people will stop reading which I'm not writing this for anyone anyway but I know people do read it and I don't want to depress them constantly. I was told once that I shouldn't focus just on the negatives and depressing things because it gets others down and that I should also share the joys. So that's what I intend to do. Of course with confidentiality rules, my rantings about my internship will be vague and unidentifiable. I just don't know how much I'm willing to share about my life outside of my internship. I had a blog before and I wrote about everything going on which looking at now makes me seem rather shallow and vapid. So I guess we'll just take this one day at a time and see what happens.

Today was my first day on the unit floor. I am shadowing my supervisor for two days before I head back to Waco. I absolutely loved everything about it. The fast paced feeling and the great sense of teamwork amongst the staff. I attended a couple of meetings. It was in the second meeting that something was said that has really stuck with me. I think ... ok, I hope that by blogging about this that I'll be able to deal with it and move on. Compassion fatigue is a risk with oncology social work and I need to practice self care to try and keep this from happening. Anyway, young mother of three has a prognosis that's not very good. Pretty much, she's dying. This isn't what bothered me. We had a couple of young people on the unit who are dying. And yes, it does upset me but I know that death is inevitable. It's not my job to save their lives, in fact, I can't save their lives. And yes, dying sucks. But what has upset me is that fact that she has accepted that she is dying. I don't know her and I don't know what she's thinking. My thoughts just keep going to her three children. The youngest one is old enough to understand what is happening but will miss out on so many things. This is where I get upset thinking about this child and the milestones that are still ahead of them in life that should be shared with a mother. We all think well if it was me I would do this and I would do that but honestly, I think I would fight. I would fight whatever is ravaging my body until it wins. I will not give up. I can't. I would need my family to know that I gave it my all to try and stay here with them on this earth. That I fought to see them grow up and go off to school dances, band concerts, prom, graduations, wedding, grandkids. I wouldn't say that I've accepted death. I will not accept death at a young age. I will only begin to think about accepting death when I can reflect on my life and say wow, I really lived and saw so many things and shared so many experiences. And I hope to be well into my 90s or 100s by the time this rolls around. I also think it's different when you have a kid. You have someone to live for. Someone that's counting on you and your guidance. I'm not angry at this mother. Not at all. Like I said, I don't know her or her experiences. I'm upset for her children who are going to have to experience milestones without their mother physically present.

Tomorrow is a new day. We'll see how it goes. Should be good though. I'm starting off with breakfast at 7am with I and then off to a Morbidity and Mortality conference. I works nights and gets off at 7 so it works out for the both of us to meet for breakfast when he's getting off and I'm starting. Not holding my breath on anything here. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, I have a friend here to hang out with. I'm so thankful for Ashley making me read a certain book. I feel so much better about relationships and am not as stressed about them. I already have enough stress in my life.