Change is in the air

I haven't posted in a little while but I feel like my life has changed overnight.

As much as I have stated my independence and desire to never have children or a significant other - dating or marriage - it seems that fate may have gotten the better of me. SR had to come into my life. He knows that I had no desire to ever be in a relationship and he kind of felt the same way. Funny how that works. I was happy with how my life was but now it's so much richer. I didn't think I could be happier than I was. I'm so excited to see where my life is headed.

Really?

Earlier today if you would have asked me, I would have told you that I was genuinely happy with my life and where I'm headed. However, if you were to ask me right now, I think I would just answer that life sucks. I'm still excited to see where my life leads me, I'm just a little/maybe more than a little on the downside.

You see, tonight was my second date with the stranger. We started off with dinner at Baris, then watched Date Night, and then went back to his place to chat. It turned out to be simultaneously the best and worst date of my life. Oh gosh, how much I like this guy is ridiculous. We just click - never struggling to find anything to talk about ranging from which Star Trek series was the best to neighborhood revitalization, talking non stop at points and then enjoying the silence while looking at each other pondering what the other is thinking and then asking about thoughts and launching into a whole new conversation, feeling completely at ease in each other's presence. You know, just clicking. I am so comfortable around him and have even found a whole new side of me whenever I'm with him - assertive and confident and completely open and honest and 100% myself. It's liberating and freeing. I have told him how much I enjoy his company and how I find it impossible not to smile around him. He returned the sentiments. There is obvious chemistry between us.

You're probably wondering how what seems to have been such at amazing date night could also be the worst. Our lives aren't matching up at this point. I'm leaving Waco on Sunday unsure of when I will return. His funding for grad school has run out. At present, he is staying in Waco and working but possibly looking into UT Austin to finish his degree. So while one might point out that Austin is where I'm planning on living and would work if he gets into UT Austin, who knows when/if that will be. And he also used that dreaded phrase tonight "need time" to figure things out. I genuinely believe him when he says that he has had a great time hanging out with me and getting to know me. There are other reasons behind the "need time" that are not mine to divulge and which I can respect. It just sucks that I meet this amazing guy that I click with and can't wait to see and feel like time passes too quickly when we're together to only find out that everything is coming to a screeching pause (I refuse to say halt because I have some hope that I will hear from him again after "time"). Life just sucks like that. It's not easy.

So pardon me if I decide to hide under this rain cloud for awhile.

Random Bits

I have absolutely no motivation to be working on my research project right now so why not blog ...

This past weekend, I got a phone call from I ..... at 2am. I actually happened to be awake because J and K had just gotten home and they didn't have a key. He was crying/sobbing so hard on the phone. What he said is not important. I tried to be as supportive as possible but I hadn't heard from him in a while or seen him in over a month. He has some issues he needs to work through and I feel bad for him and can't even imagine what he must be feeling or going through. He's proof that even if you've made it to this country and succeeded, it doesn't mean that you've put everything behind you. And as selfish as it might sound, I can't get involved. I'm leaving in a month anyway. I wish him the best and hope he finds what he's looking for.

Growing up, I can only remember my parents arguing once over who was taking my sister to the dentist. All of us kids cried and waited in the bathroom for it to end. I was terrified that my parents were going to get a divorce. After all, they had never argued before. What I realize now is that my parents have an absolutely wonderful marriage. They are truly each other's best friend and are more in love with each other after 35 years of marriage than they were on their wedding day. This is the kind of marriage I want to have. I can remember in past relationships when there were arguments I just thought it was all part of being involved with someone. This isn't right. I don't know where I got that idea but am glad to have grown to realize that no one deserves that in a relationship. I know that there's a great guy out there that is just for me and we won't spend our lifetime together fighting.

I know this was random but it's been on my mind. Hopefully I've now gotten this out of my system.

I haven't begun to procrastinate yet!

I know I should be working on my paper but really I lack the motivation today. I got up for church but then was too lazy to shower and get ready. Instead I went back to sleep. I'm a heathen, I know. Anyway, I really need to get my paper done while it's still daylight outside!

Last night, I had an absolutely wonderful date with I. I picked him up and we drove out to the Greenbelt metro station and rode into DC. It was freezing and by the time we got from the station to the club where the tango lessons were being held, we were frozen to the bone. I couldn't feel my toes and his hands were like ice. We had fun learning the dance steps. I had thought that dance lessons would be a fun activity and while they are, I realized when learning a sultry dance like the tango, it's a little more intimate than one would have anticipated. But really what I liked most about the evening was the fact that it was so comfortable with him. His saying is that you have two ears and one mouth, so he listens more than he talks. Our silences (though few and far between) were so comfortable. And when we were talking, we realized that we share a lot of the same values. It was nice to spend time with someone who understands why you're so passionate about causes or supports you in your goals without any criticism. We went grocery shopping when we got back from DC because there wasn't a restaurant open except for fast food and neither of us likes to eat that stuff. So we got some things for dinner and had a picnic in his apartment of vegetarian chicken nuggets, tangerines, and tomatoes. Yum! The thoughts running through my head were surprising but, for some reason, I am completely comfortable with how I'm feeling. I think it's safe to say that I do like this guy and I know that he likes me. It helps that he doesn't play any games and is open about his feelings. I am so excited to see how the future plays out and I can't wait to see him again :-)

Good night!

So today was our third get together. We had a nice long breakfast before I went to work. It was comfortable without pressure. Tomorrow night, we're doing something. I don't know what yet cause he won't tell me. And Saturday, we're driving to DC and taking Tango dance lessons!

I had mentioned before that I felt as though my next relationship was going to suffer because of the way I was treated in my last one. I thought about that tonight and realize that I don't view it that way anymore. My next relationship is going to be so much stronger because of what happened. I am going to make sure that everything happens slowly and is that much more sacred. Can't wait to see what the next couple of days bring!

Quick post before bed

So I realized today that while I am still trying not to hold my breath on the possibility of a relationship, I am excited about the prospect of one. I didn't hear from him all day which kind of bummed me out which made me realize that I am excited about this going some where. I still maintain my outlook of I better be woo'd if a guy wants a relationship with me. So I sent a text about 3:30 pm asking if he was still asleep because he worked last night and I don't know how long he sleeps after his last shift. Well, I never heard back from him. So I said oh well and decided to not let it ruin my evening. I checked my phone about 7:30 and saw that I had a voicemail and text message from him :-) Last night wasn't his last shift, tonight is so he was sleeping when I called him. And it looks like there is a chance that I and I will be having breakfast tomorrow morning before I start work. I can't think of a better way to kick off my first day. And hopefully, while breakfasts are nice, we can break away from that routine and actually go eat dinner somewhere outside of the hospital cafeteria! But it's time for bed so good night!

New Beginnings!

I arrived in Catonsville late this afternoon. 18.5 hours and 1200 miles. This is the longest solo roadtrip that I've now done twice except this time it was freezing outside! I had some snow along the way too and am now crossing my fingers that I don't get sick.

Riding alone in a car on New Year's Day provides an ample amount of time to sort out one's feelings and thoughts. I had several in depth conversations with myself along with some awesome singalong song time. One of the biggest conversations that I was finally able to sort my feelings out on has to do with marriage. I even talked with my friend Ashley about this briefly. She had made a comment in a blog awhile ago along similar lines but equated hers to shopping for cars. Anyway ....

One of the biggest things that I find myself thinking about is the state of marriage in our country. All too often, I meet people who have gotten married recently and I ask them how married life is and I hear way too many times that nothing is different than before. All that's changed for them is that there is a piece of paper. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not passing judgment on anyone about their choices. I'm simply stating that I don't want this to be me. When I get married and someone asks me how it is I want to tell them that it's amazing and wonderful and more than I could have imagined it to be. This is why I refuse to live with a guy before marriage and I'm not going to engage in certain activities. I want my marriage to be sacred. I don't believe in divorce (except of course in situations such as abuse ..) and I never want to be another statistic. I have a tattoo for my grandparents that symbolizes their 50+ year marriage that was wonderful and strong and full of love. That's the kind of union that I want to have. I want to be that marriage that everyone wishes they could have.

Obviously this is a conversation that I will have with who I date. And in my head in the car it was much more eloquent but I wasn't about to write the level of detail and explanations that I had in my head in this post. All of that isn't really for the world to know ... like I said I want my relationships to be sacred and special.

Speaking of relationships ... I spoke with I last night. I get all giddy when I get a text message because I hope it's from him. It was a short conversation since he was on break at work and I had just checked into a place for the night. But at the end, he said how do they say? sweet? sweet dreams? :-) Yes, they say sweet dreams. I am so looking forward to seeing him. I have a ton of things to get done tomorrow but I secretly hope he offers to run errands with me. Fancy date, I know but we're still in the getting to know you stage. I don't need formal structure all the time. And what I'm liking about this right now is that it's a very personal private thing. Only five people know about him - my sister, the woman I live with, and three friends. It's not that I want it to be a secret, I just want to give it the best shot without the pressures from everyone about where it's going or what's going on. My sister already said something that I would have heard from a lot more people if more people knew. Other than her, my friends and Kathleen seem excited for me :-) You might be wondering why I'm writing all of this up here if it's so private? First of all, hardly anyone knows I have this blog and two, I haven't really talked about him or said his name so you have no idea who he is. It's still private :-P

But enough for now, I need to learn to be succint in my posts. No one reads the long ones!
Night!