Rest Stop

Ho hum. I've been reading some friend's blogs lately and the way that they write and the profound things that they write about makes me feel really ... hmmm ... well maybe jealous is the word to describe it. I wish that I could write with the conviction that I see them write with but I have to remember that we're all unique and have our own special talents and gifts. I'll just keep telling myself that when a little bit of jealousy creeps up.

Oh my goodness was the past weekend insane. I'm very upset and afraid that I didn't act like a very good Christian or instrument of God's will. I have to remind myself that kindness kills .. or at least I need to try kindness when that's the very last thing I want to do. First of all, Continental Airlines provided the absolutely worst experience ever in travel. My flight Saturday morning was cancelled due to the major snowstorm that hit Catonsville and the Northeast in general. I got a text and at 5:30 am called Continental to reschedule my flight. After three hours on hold, I finally got someone who first told me that they automatically reschedule people for the next available flight and that would be Saturday the 26th, after Christmas and the day my family leaves for a cruise. Not acceptable. Then she told me that she actually can't do anything, I have to wait for Continental to call me to reschedule. Okay, I checked with her to make sure they had the right number, thanked her, and then hung up to wait for my phone call. I looked at the BWI website and saw that Southwest had flights still going in and out so I looked on their website and my parents graciously bought me a one way ticket to Dallas today. Thank goodness because I still haven't heard from Continental and every number I could find for them is answered by a computer voice saying they're not accepting calls at this time. Just wait until they are .... ooh, it makes me mad. And then the incompetent people at Nissan can't figure out how to change my billing address. I do feel bad about how I handled that phone call and hope that debacle has been settled.

I had to write a journal for my time at orientation this past week and I realized something as I answered the section where I talk about my thoughts and feelings regarding my experiences. I said that I didn't know how I was going to react to the suffering and death around me that I will see on a daily basis. I know that my faith and beliefs will be challenged continuously and I will most likely never come to an understanding about life and the atrocities that happen. If I start to dwell on the idea of human suffering, I struggle because I know that in order to know what happiness is we have to know what sadness and suffering are. But to what extent? Is it part of the balance that we have to watch our loved ones suffer and die from things that they don't deserve? I don't mean to sound judgemental but the people who smoke several packs of cigarettes a day and develop lung cancer may have been able to avoid that but what about the people who don't smoke and still develop lung cancer? Where is the justice in that? My viewpoint at one time was that when we have done what we are supposed to here on Earth, our time is up and we die. I was okay with this belief until you bring cancer, disease, murder, car accidents, and other horrific things into the equation. If we die when we've accomplished what we are meant to, why does it have to be in such a painful, suffering manner? That's not right. So I don't know why bad things happen to good people and I don't know why God lets it. It pains me to read about genocide in Darfur, starving orphans in Guatemala, and all the other atrocities that have happened. I still get really upset about the Holocaust and will argue passionately with people who believe it never happened (I have actually gone back and forth with Bradley Smith, the founder of CODOH - Committee for the Open Debate on the Holocaust). If it pains me, I cannot even begin to fathom the pain that God is in watching His children harm so many others. But then I realize that when I'm not acting in a Christian manner, I am probably causing Him sadness as well. I want so badly to live as an instrument of His will but still find myself struggling with maintaining a Christian mindset daily. I have friends that I believe are absolutely wonderful examples of Christians and love in the world today. It's kind of funny that these same friends are also the ones that I believe are extremely profound in their blogs. So not only am I jealous of their writing abilities, I'm jealous of how they live their lives. This is something that I am beginning to think more about as 2010 rolls around. I'm tired of saying I want to do this and I want to do that. The time to live and act is now. I am going to try so hard to provide a good example of living a Christian life and being an instrument of God's will. I understand that this means no more gossiping and that really will be a hard one for me to let go of.

I also learned through reflection that my anger about why bad things happen is a cover for grief. It is easier for me to be angry about children losing their mothers and people having to suffer than grieve for everything that is being lost with their loved one. When a person dies, it isn't just the loss of a life. It's the loss of a relative, friend, jogging partner, golf buddy, foot massager, cook, maintenance man, and all the many different roles that people play in our lives. Death has a ripple effect that cannot be seen until it is experienced. My grandfather died this past summer and with his death, I lost bear hugs, stories about his youth, stamps, a smile with twinkling eyes, birthday cards, and the look that he gave me as he put his hands on my shoulders that said I'm proud of you. Not only did I lose these things but I lost milestones to be shared. I'm graduating in May and wish my grandparents were around to see it. One day I might get married and have kids and I wish that they would be able to know my grandparents. I'm not angry though. I grieve. I grieve for all the ripples, as far reaching as they are, that death brings with it.

In other news, breakfast with I went well. I really didn't know what to think about this in terms of friendship or relationship or whatnot but I decided to just go with the flow and see what happens. He shared some of his life story with me and it's a pretty intense one that I would love to hear more about. He's a really interesting individual that is starting to challenge something I said in one of my posts a couple months ago but that would be a post for another day - I still need to think about it. We've been chatting since Friday's breakfast and will be making plans to hang out when I get back up north. We've both agreed that we're interested in seeing where this goes. I feel like I could devote a whole post to love and how Disney movies and romantic comedies have screwed me up for life. But I'll just end with I'm learning to not hold my breath and go with the flow and see where this road takes me ...