Exhausted

I climbed into bed tonight at 8 pm. I just caught up with a friend on the phone and am ready to go to sleep. I am so exhausted both mentally and physically. I know that part of the reason is that I am still adjusting to my new routine. The mornings come so early! But another thing that I have noticed is that death brings mental exhaustion - not just for the person who is dying but for all those involved in that person's journey. I wonder sometimes if it's easier to be a family member who can express their feelings instead of a social worker who maintains composure at all times.

I sat in a room this week as we talked to a patient, his wife, and his mother about his discharge plans. He was going home to receive hospice care - he was going home to die. I grieve for this person and his children. I grieve for the father/daughter wedding dances that will never happen, I grieve for all the milestones that require the presence of a father. And I realized that the people that I meet on my unit are so much stronger and braver than I would ever be in the same situation. It tires me and hurts my heart to learn their stories and think about how death will forever change their lives.

I wish that I was not as tired as I am so that I could express everything I'm thinking and feeling at this moment but I believe sleep would be best for me at this point.