Don't like to use the word "hate" but ...

I HATE research. HATE.

Don't get me wrong here. I can appreciate research and all the advances that are a result of it. I hate doing it myself. It's not my thing. Let me interact with people and talk to them and help them. Don't make me write papers using words like methodology, qualitative analysis, and data collection. This has been such a struggle for me. And the scary part is I told my sister tonight that I only have five weeks of school left and am at the point where I'm thinking "why bother". This is not good. She has her Master's in Experimental Statistics so she knows what I'm going through. She said the last semester really does suck and it gets hard and you don't want to continue but it's manageable. She always knows what to say to make me feel better.

She's my best friend. We're alike in so many ways. We shared a bedroom growing up so it's hard being so far away now. I miss her. My favorite thing is that no matter how old we get, we can revert back to childlike antics easily. And we're always there for each other. After she got married, her husband went out of town for the weekend. She called me at 11 pm, asking me to spend the night and bring ice cream :-)

Ok, time to get back to research.

I did it

I applied for my first real social work job. I mean I've had internships and got hired on at the Family Abuse Center but this will be my first real I'm-an-MSW-(hopefully, LMSW)-actually-earning-a-salary job.

It's a little exciting. I hope I hear from them. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I really do hope this first one contacts me. I'll be applying for more tomorrow and this weekend.

I've also decided not to post where I'm applying. And I don't want to know where my friends are applying. I want to know where they get a job but not where they're applying. I'm the type of person that wouldn't apply for a position no matter how much I want it if I know my friend is applying. And I hope my friends can understand my reasoning behind this.

So fingers crossed!

I so needed Saturday

This past weekend, I went to Philadelphia for a conference. I decided that on Saturday after the conference, I would spend the remainder of the day practicing some much needed self care with one of my all time favorite activities - sight seeing and history. So I started the day off with trying to find a Starbucks (I also decided to completely indulge myself) before I went to the conference.

Betsy Ross' House

I happened to find one downtown that just so happened to be across the street from Betsy Ross's house. How cool that the history of the city is so integrated in its everyday happenings. I am a history junkie. I decided right then and there that I could definitely live in that city just because of the history factor. After the conference (which was in a way sketch part of town), I headed back downtown and hopped on a double decker bus tour. I really think that's the best way to learn some fun facts about the city. We saw SOOO much.

Eastern State Penitentiary

One of the sights that we saw was the Eastern State Penitentiary. Wow, that is the most intense scary looking prison I have ever seen in my life. The purpose was to cut people off from the outside world and force them to serve their sentences in solitude. I was starting to feel bad for them until I learned that when Al Capone was there, he had an Asian rug in his cell, had a private chef, and weekly visits from his "manicurist" (that's how the tour guide said it and I'm sure there are a lot of things that could be substituted there but I don't know which is right ...).

Rocky!

And of course a big highlight was the Museum of Modern Art where we got to see this statue of Rocky. I learned that the steps that he ran up are actually towards the exit of the museum. The front of the museum only has seven steps.

After the bus tour, I went walking around the city for several hours. I actually talked to strangers and got them to take some pictures of me. And along the way I realized that I have an obsession.

People have probably heard me before mention that I like history and love historical markers. I like to pull over when I'm driving so I can read them. No lie, there are probably 20 pictures of historical markers from walking around the city. I had to take pictures so that I could have reminders about everything I was learning. I would even walk out of my way in order to read what they had to say. Although a lot of Philadelphia's talked about who was born in the city. I prefer the ones that talk about what happened in that spot.

At the end of my trekking, I went and saw the Liberty Bell. No lie, the state Pennsylvania is misspelled on there. I never knew that. And then I hiked out to Jim's Cheesesteaks and stood in line for an hour and a half so that I could try one of these infamous sandwiches. I trekked back out to Independence Hall and had a picnic dinner surrounded by history that shaped this country. And then I was back in my hotel room at 7:30 pm, took a nap, watched some tv, and then slept. I didn't think about school work or research or internship. I got to relax. It was great.

On Sunday, I took a leisurely drive back home and took a detour through Delaware so that I could grab brunch out there. Granted, I ended up eating at a Dunkin Donuts but, still, I went to Delaware :-)

I was so not ready for this week to start.

One of those days.

I cried on the way home from work today. I needed to. It was a rough day and a rough week.

I saw my first dead body today. He looked so peaceful and frail. I found out though in the room that I have a weird fear (which before I say it, I would like to point out that I'm not the only one - R said he had it too!). I suddenly worried that he was going to sit up and open his eyes .. almost zombie like. I found out later that dead people can have muscle spasms and even possibly take a breath. Freaky. R said he would probably yelp if that happened to him.

I got in a heated argument with my supervisor. I hate confrontation. I avoid it. But I was told that if I didn't speak up then the next intern she got would be treated the same way. I said that by now I would have hoped that I had proven that I'm a detail oriented person who is capable of getting her work done and that I think she could trust me a little more. She said that she doesn't trust anyone and that these were our patients' lives that we were dealing with. I took offense to that and stated that I was aware that these were lives we were working with and I would NEVER do anything that would jeopardize their health which I thought I had already demonstrated when I found out that a nurse hadn't discharged my client with the necessary medications. She went on to say that she hovered and that wasn't going to change. I said that I felt like she was treating me like I was incompetent. She said that she didn't think I was incompetent and that couldn't I see that because she praised me a lot to which I responded that yes, she praised me and I appreciated that but I was just asking for three more feet on the leash. End of story - she said it wasn't going to change. Great....

There was a lot of death, pain, and sadness on the unit this week. It just wears on you. I love that I am there for these families but I grieve for all the ripple losses that they'll experience after their loved one dies.

I'm so ready for a change. I'm heading to Philly this weekend. I need to get away.

A blessing for my friends ...

I wish you not a path devoid of clouds, nor a life on a bed of roses,

Not that you might never need regret, nor that you should never feel pain.

No, that is not my wish for you.

My wish for you is:

That you might be brave in times of trial, when others lay crosses upon your shoulders.

When mountains must be climbed and chasms are to be crossed; when hope scarce can shine through.

That every gift God gave you might grow along with you. And let you give the gift of joy to all who care for you.

That you may always have a friend who is worth that name. Whom you can trust, and who helps you in times of sadness. Who will defy the storms of daily life at your side.

One more wish I have for you:

That in every hour of joy and pain you may feel God close to you.

This is my wish for you, and for all who care for you.

This is my hope for you, now and forever.

I really need to sleep ...

A lot of thoughts have been going through my mind lately. I have friends who have blogs and one of them is so amazingly eloquent and insightful, I'm highly jealous. But I realize that I have things that I need to get out of my head and written down. Maybe it'll be eloquent and maybe it won't make any sense at all. But tonight is not the night to start. I need to go to sleep so I can get to work early.

Anywho, in posts to come I hope to be able to work out my rambling thoughts on ...

- agapé love

- homelessness (including my new friend, Jimmy)

- the future

- striving to live a life as God's instrument

- really figuring out what I'm being called to do

But those will have to wait ...

Oh, boy...

Starting to wonder if now is when I should start panicking.

Stupid research, capstone, colloquium, and case presentation.

I'm going to go for a long run tomorrow and see if it helps.

Random Bits

I have absolutely no motivation to be working on my research project right now so why not blog ...

This past weekend, I got a phone call from I ..... at 2am. I actually happened to be awake because J and K had just gotten home and they didn't have a key. He was crying/sobbing so hard on the phone. What he said is not important. I tried to be as supportive as possible but I hadn't heard from him in a while or seen him in over a month. He has some issues he needs to work through and I feel bad for him and can't even imagine what he must be feeling or going through. He's proof that even if you've made it to this country and succeeded, it doesn't mean that you've put everything behind you. And as selfish as it might sound, I can't get involved. I'm leaving in a month anyway. I wish him the best and hope he finds what he's looking for.

Growing up, I can only remember my parents arguing once over who was taking my sister to the dentist. All of us kids cried and waited in the bathroom for it to end. I was terrified that my parents were going to get a divorce. After all, they had never argued before. What I realize now is that my parents have an absolutely wonderful marriage. They are truly each other's best friend and are more in love with each other after 35 years of marriage than they were on their wedding day. This is the kind of marriage I want to have. I can remember in past relationships when there were arguments I just thought it was all part of being involved with someone. This isn't right. I don't know where I got that idea but am glad to have grown to realize that no one deserves that in a relationship. I know that there's a great guy out there that is just for me and we won't spend our lifetime together fighting.

I know this was random but it's been on my mind. Hopefully I've now gotten this out of my system.

So I gave in ...

Hmm, I really need to work on keep my resolutions.

Anyway, K and I went to Marshall's yesterday because she wanted to find a dress for a dance she was going to last night. Um, why have I not shopped at Marshall's more often? Well, besides the fact that I'm on a fashion diet. There were so many amazing dresses there. And I did manage to justify one of my two purchases. I have a dress that I can wear on an interview now (which means I can put off buying a suit for now). I got this Calvin Klein dress:

It was originally $128. I paid ..... $50. And I can dress it up with a fun pair of heels .... like my blue alligator Nine West pumps with the sheer black bows that I got for $15 a couple of years ago. I love discount shopping ..

Self Care

My research project has pretty much been freaking me out and causing me to have anxiety attacks. Not cool at all. The need for self care has increased. I thought that everything was already figured out given the sobriety of my internship but apparently not. So this week I started running.

I love running. I love the high that you get when you just finished running a distance you didn't think possible or the good kind of soreness you feel afterward. I love being out alone with my thoughts and some good running music. In April 2007, I had quite a health scare where I honestly thought that my days of being able to even walk were numbered. The pain and frustration that I experienced cannot be verbalized. I've slowly been recovering and despite my doctor's orders to give up running, I can't. I love it too much. I don't know if I'm putting myself on a fast track to new hips/knees/whatever but I can't have someone tell me I can't do something that I want to anymore. Now granted, I'm not being stupid and taking it easy. Today was day 3 and is my endurance running day. K joined me and we went for 45 minutes of nonstop running followed by a 15 minute cool down. I didn't really break a sweat and was never out of breath. It didn't even feel like a workout. But it felt good. I loved being able to run for that long.

Last night, I met up with a social work intern from the hospital for dinner. I felt so bad because I thought it was a group of us and when I got stuck at work talking to a patient, I didn't think too much about being late cause I thought I was meeting up with a group. Oops. So we ate at Pazo and then RA Sushi. Oh my. I love sushi. Waco is not the town for sushi lovers. I love to eat. Being back in a metropolitan area has been great for my appetite! It was so good to spend time outside of work and outside of the house. I needed it. But it made me miss all my friends back in Waco so much more. I'm definitely ready to settle down into an area for a good long time.

Day 2

So I lied.

I didn't run yesterday.

I was going to but then I started reading online about running and it said to start off with twice a week. I was aiming for five times. So I decided not to run yesterday. But I also decided not to listen to the internet and start off with three times a week.

So I ran today. I did a little more than half of what I did on Monday but managed to do it in 15 minutes which is half the time of Monday. I had a lot of excuses not to do it but I knew that if I skipped today, it would be just as easy to skip Saturday. K needed me to watch the kids while she went to the food co-op and sorted produce. It was also sprinkling. I didn't mind the shorter run.

I need to figure out how to run with something over my mouth. I hate cold weather running because it almost burns when you breathe. Not fun at all. I don't know how to solve this problem.

I also realize I should invest in another hoodie. I only have one right now which will probably start to smell real good if I don't wash it soon. I think next time I run, I'll break out the iPod shuffle. It helps to have music. Plus on Saturday I plan on running further than I did on Monday.

Fun times.

I hope that by the time I get back to Waco, I'm running daily and around the Bear Trail. I also want to supplement it with kayaking and biking. I love the high I get after running. Oh, how I have missed those endorphins.

Day 1

Since today is March 1, I decided it was a good day to start running again.

It was 39 degrees outside.

I looked like this:

Except I was in all black with a shiny reflector belt.

And I got to wear my new shoes:

I managed to not trip.

Did I mention it was 39 degrees?

I thought my lungs were going to leap out of my chest and beat me to death.

The North has hills.

Hills = a whole lot more work.

But I did it.

And tomorrow I get to do it again.