Change is in the air

I haven't posted in a little while but I feel like my life has changed overnight.

As much as I have stated my independence and desire to never have children or a significant other - dating or marriage - it seems that fate may have gotten the better of me. SR had to come into my life. He knows that I had no desire to ever be in a relationship and he kind of felt the same way. Funny how that works. I was happy with how my life was but now it's so much richer. I didn't think I could be happier than I was. I'm so excited to see where my life is headed.

Vacation!

Actually, it's more like a staycation. One of the perks of being PRN is that I get to make my own schedule. The basic rule of thumb is: you work, you get paid; you don't work, you don't get paid. Obviously, it's a lot more beneficial to be on the working side but, at times, one must look at their workload and decide if they need a break. This couldn't come at a better time for me. After last week's awful mishaps, I think a break is in order.

My friend, JM, is coming in tomorrow for four days. I made sure not to schedule any on call shifts and am taking Thursday and Friday off. I'm so excited to have some time to explore this city. JM did a lot of research too and sent me a list of some possible fun things to do. However, I am choosing to ignore the Wildflower Center and beach volleyball. No thanks. I am excited though about going to a preserve and seeing peacocks ... or peafowl as the website keeps saying. Luckily, JM doesn't get in until 11:20 tomorrow, so I'll get to sleep in. Thank goodness, I'm sooooo exhausted. All this work tires a gal out.

Stay tuned to hear about my adventures this week!

It's been a rough week

The Life of a PRN Social Worker

Hospital social work includes so many different aspects. Generally, there is a social worker for every floor/department. Depending on the hospital, you may have two social workers for a department. Here's the thing... hospitals don't close. You never get to say "Sorry, we're closed, please come back in the morning", and people never have their emergencies at reasonable hours! So hospital coverage out here in terms of social work looks something like this: full time social workers work Monday-Friday from 9am-430pm. Yes, they are working 7.5 hours including lunch. That's pretty swell. But that's definitely not a normal schedule for them to get off at 430 because, like I said, people don't plan their emegencies ... and doctors love to discharge patients as soon as you're wrapping up your day. Now, the hospital has to be covered 24/365. So what happens during those other times. Enter the PRN social worker. The hospitals are then covered by either oncall shifts (every night and, for some hospitals, weekend days) or onsite coverage (busier hospitals on the weekends). And if any of the full time social workers call in sick or goes on vacation, PRN social workers will cover their department. We're like substitute social workers.

I love being on call but I also miss having a regular schedule. I love working in the ED (emergency department) and seeing the psych crises that come through and being able to help the patients. What I don't like is the uncertainty of my future. We schedule one month in advance and never know what the following month will bring. In December, I had four days and four nights. That's it. While I enjoy free time, I still need to be able to pay my bills. It's always a feast or famine approach. I can't deal with that. I need hours. Some of the other PRN social workers are married and have another income or they have a full time job. I'm trying to get a full time job with this hospital network so it doesn't make sense for me to get another job to just quit in a couple months. I tend to sign up for all the shifts I can just in case the next month is a repeat of December. So far I've been lucky. The only downside is that it takes up ALL my time. Currently, I'm involved in a pilot program at a newer hospital trying to determine if there is enough need to warrant the hiring of a full time social worker for the ED and perinatal services (babies!). This means that I'm getting to work full time ... however, my future is not guaranteed. They could say that there isn't enough work and then I'm back to square one.

In order to compensate for the uncertainty, I've been signing up for on call shifts just to give me a little cash cushion ... and I'm losing sleep and free time. I was on call last night and spent the majority of the night in the ED. I'm glad I was there and was able to help those patients but I'm now operating on three hours of sleep.... and working all day. Normally, I could probably deal with this but ....... I'm on call again tonight and working all day tomorrow. Yay? I'll survive, I know that much. I'll definitely sleep great tomorrow night though! What I've noticed lately is that it affects my social life and reinforces my hermit lifestyle. In anticipation of being called in, I go to bed ridiculously early. For example, tonight I will wash my hair as soon as I get home and probably be in bed by 5pm. Doesn't really leave a lot of room for social gatherings.

And it's these social gatherings that are so important to combat job fatigue and the risks of burnout. I moved out here to Podunkville on a whim and am slowly making friends which has been good. One friend that I have been hanging out a lot with is a night shift nurse. This has a tendency to affect when we can hang out. They only work, on average, three nights a week. But if I've picked up on call shifts, it limits the overlapping free time. I've started to notice how important hanging out with friends can be. I think it's taken for granted a lot of times but it's so vital for ones health. The question comes down to where is one willing to make adjustments in their life for the sake of their health? Is this why social work burnout is so high? We pour ourselves into work without taking the time to focus on ourselves? Our work can directly impact people's lives, more attention needs to be paid to our health so that we can provide the best for our clients. I'm starting to feel like something's got to give ....

Men - Who Needs Them?

Apparently me.

Or rather, I need to become skilled in all those little areas one doesn't concern themselves with growing up. Either way, something has to give.

Two years ago after I ended a nasty relationship, I decided that I am better off alone. I have stated, quite vehemently at times, that I have absolutely no desire to ever be married or in a relationship for that matter. The fact that I don't have a desire to have kids makes this an easy decision. I've grown accustomed to the looks when people hear this - after all, it goes against nature, right? Isn't the role of women to grow up, get married, and repopulate the Earth? Wake up people; it's 2011. There are more than enough children out there wanting to be adopted and more than enough people who are having kids (mind you, some of these people shouldn't be) that I don't think my personal choice will really have a large impact on our future. I've heard all too many times: "You just haven't found the right guy" or "Just give it time". No, not for me. The idea of spending my life with one person is enough to drive me mad. I was known as the one date wonder in college - you expect me to last 50+ years? Ha.

Now, I was carrying on in my independent life quite successfully. I have made some friends in my new town. Well, I thought one was a friend until it became obvious he was trying to date me. I put the kibosh on that one. Apparently he thought my view was a challenge. So imagine my surprise when I found myself in situations without a clue what to do and wishing I had a guy in my life....

1) My car died - twice. And not your normal car died and you just asked the stranger next to you to jumpstart it. Died as in violently shook and keeled over. If I was back home, simple solution - call my dad or brother. 500 miles away makes this slightly more difficult. Solution - call your insurance company and have it towed and hope to find rides to and from work.

2) The automatic garage door no longer opens. No big deal since we don't park our cars in there anyway (oh gosh, that would have been a nightmare). Wait, that's where our massive trashcans are ... and full. No big deal, it manually opens .... until you try and it doesn't. I don't even know where to start in fixing that - I honestly stared at it for awhile hoping it would magically fix itself. It didn't. I had to drag our massive trashcan through the house to take it to the curb. No bueno.

3) My DVR has suddenly stopped working. It worked last night. It does not work today. I know that there's a customer service number or some junk like that but it's the weekend and they always give you a crappy time frame of when they'll be at your house requiring you to take the entire day off of work. That doesn't work for me. I don't get days off.

And there have been other situations which aren't on the level of these - more of annoyances like car registration and oil changes and mowing the grass. Those I can just suck up and do myself. But these three are not fun for a single gal. I am working very hard on trying to fight the typical gender roles but I can recognize that the male gender tends to have an uncanny knack for figuring these things out (the car problems I know will be hit or miss). My solutions have been to just stare at the problem and then walk away but that isn't actually fixing it.

I wonder if there's a How To Be a Guy class offered anywhere?

Time in the ED

Today was .... chaotic, nonstop, never ending, insane. I didn't even have a chance to go to the bathroom. I was in the ED all day long but I loved it. I never thought that psych would be where I found a passion but I have. I love working on call at night because I know that if I get called in it's for that. Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective, Bipolar Disorder, Suicide Attempts, active hallucinations and delusions - these are all my usual calls. I really thought that I would detest psych and even passed on a job interview because of that but I feel like I have found a department where I fit. I love oncology but I'd be happy in the ED or a psych ward too ..... as a social worker, not a patient.

Hmm, maybe I should go back to school for psychiatry instead of PhD in social work??

Tales from the Trenches....

Let's have story time, shall we? How about the story of the social worker who had a long night in the emergency department that included said social worker having a breakdown? That sounds like a good one .....

When I'm on call at night, I cover more than one hospital in the area. On this particular night, I received a call to one of the emergency departments (ED) asking me to come in because they had a patient who was brought in by the police for a suicide attempt. He was at the ED under a 72 hour mandatory hold and needed to be transferred to a psychiatric facility which is the job for the social worker. As I headed out to the ED, I got a call from a children's hospital asking me to go there and talk with a family that was having a really hard time coping. Generally, the only reason I get called to the children's hospital is for a death. I really didn't know what was going on because the person who called me in wasn't the best at answering my questions.

Whenever, I get called for multiple patients, I have to triage (prioritize) them. The children's hospital becomes top priority. I called the ED and let them know that I was headed their way but I had to go to the children's hospital first. The clerk at the ED said ok and then asked me how long I was going to be. Are you kidding me? People in the hospital know that death is the reason you go to the children's hospital 99% of the time at night. They didn't need to know the reason why I was going to the children's hospital, they only needed to know that I was going. I t was completely unbelievable that they were asking me how long I was going to be.

Anyway, I shrugged it off and kept on my way. Five minutes later, the ED doc called and said they knew I was going to the children's hospital and wanted to know how long I was going to be. I simply answered I didn't know and I would get there as soon as possible. I went to the children's hospital and met with the family. After spending time with them, I said a prayer and thanked God for my career and helping me find what I truly believe I'm called to do.

As I drove to the ED, I got ANOTHER call asking how long I would be. Now this is what gets me, the ED clerk was calling and said I know you're at ******* but we just want to know how long you're going to be. There is a good chance that everyone at the ED thinks I'm dealing with a death which then means that they know they are interrupting me. Could you be any more inconsiderate? I stated I was on my way and then hung up on them. Yep, I did.

I walked into the ED and the first thing I hear is "You're FINALLY here".

To which I promptly responded:

"I'm sorry but I'm pretty sure I let you know that I had to go to ******* because I have to triage my cases and that one took priority. I let you know that I was going to be here as soon as possible and, yet, you called several times asking me how long I would be. Tell you what, the next time this happens, I'll pass the phone to the parents of the kiddo and you can ask them to hurry up their kid's death so you don't have to wait. Or better yet, why don't you just tell them to take their kid out back and shoot them? That would probably get me here faster."

**Awkward silence**

Yes, yes, I did.

Sums it up...

Who needs sleep?

It's 4:30am, and I'm sitting in the emergency department at one of the hospitals here in town. I've been here since 11pm. I'm not waiting to see a doctor or anything like that. In fact, I'm on the other side. I'm one of the medical professionals. I'm the social worker ... problem solver ... miracle worker ... transportation coordinator. I go by many names here. I'm on call for two different hospitals tonight which means from 4:30 pm until 8 am, I'm at their beck and call. Normally, I'll get called out for some minor things. Tonight was not one of those nights. However, those stories are not important. Forgive my rambling, it's been a long day and I've almost been up for 24 straight hours. I'm at 23.

I find the behavior of other medical professionals interesting in the hospital. Generally, social workers are seen as either super helpful or a waste of time. The opinions vary from person to person and especially situation to situation. If I agree with the doctor, social workers are great. If I don't agree or can't help (seriously, the patient lost their purse - I don't know where it is so stop asking), then I'm a waste of time. I feel that when I get called in for psych crises, medical professionals turn into vultures looking for a juicy story. Now, don't get me wrong, I love nurses and the other people here. They can be a social worker's best friend. I just don't have an appreciation for the way they talk about some patients or how the hover around when there's an "interesting patient". If CPS or APS is involved, they can't wait to hear what's going on. Suicide attempts, they always want to know the plan.

My problem with this is that we all know about HIPAA. Generally, health information is on a need to know basis. If it's not your patient, you don't need to know. If it is your patient, generally, you still don't need to know the specifics of what I'm discussing. It's confidential information. Granted, I understand that it's the middle of the night and it's boring. Emergency departments could be their own soap opera or tv show (oh wait, that was ER). Gossip is horrid here. I always feel bad when a patient pours their heart out to me and has had a tough life or experience and it turns into the latest fodder. I usually tell the doctor's what's happening and limit the amount of information that I share with the nurses. However, if it's a "juicy" story, soon everyone knows. It's a little upsetting. I need to work on how to answer when people push me for details.

But for now, I really would like CPS to call me back.

And the countdown begins...

The Disney Princess Half marathon is in 24 days! Do I feel in anyway ready for this race? No. Hmm, wonder why. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it's been so unbelievably cold outside that only a crazy person would go for a run in this! I've been trying to stay on top of my training but it's really hard to stay motivated when it's freezing out and the only thing you want to do after a long day at work is curl up inside where it's warm. I'm hoping the weather lets up this weekend so I can get my 12 mile run in. I have to do this last run before the race so that I know that I can finish. They say if you can run 10 miles, you can do the half. I did my 10 miles but would feel much better if I actually ran closer to the race distance. I'm have tempted to keep running past the 12 and 13.1 mile marks just to say to myself that I've gone farther than the race distance and therefore it shouldn't be that big of a deal. I'm psyched about the race though and can't wait to have a time that I can start working towards beating.

I'm going to continue running long distances after the race in preparation for any other races that I sign up for. I definitely want to work on my pace though. I have some times for some 5Ks that I want to get lower and maybe even cut in half but that's a pretty high goal to reach. I may look around to see about joining a running club to work on that. I would love to have a 7 minute mile or faster.

Playlist

First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

Competitive Running

I bought a book yesterday that is the women's complete book of running. I can't remember the specific title but that comes close enough. I've read a lot of it so far which is a nice break from studying ethics, Erickson, DSM-IV-TR diagnoses, and other random stuff.

I'm psyched about running and cannot wait to move. I've already looked up running clubs in the area. Currently, I'm having to enjoy running from the sidelines as I got my first running injury while I was in Florida. I think it's a stress fracture in my foot but I can't confirm because that would require a trip to the doctor. So I'm taking the rest of the month off.

But come August 2, it's on. I start my first training program to get ready for a half marathon. Totally psyched! I hope to eventually do a whole marathon but that's for down the road.

And I can't wait to go get my next pair of running shoes. So excited!

Dreams & Zombies

It's 1 pm and I just got up for the day. I attribute this to a couple of factors ... well, two factors. The first being that I'm in this huge house all alone (without furniture even) and I have a very over active imagination. There aren't working lights in two of the front rooms yet which really creeped me out the first night I was here. At night, in places that I'm unfamiliar with, I like to have lights on in all the rooms except the bedrooms/bathrooms until I go to bed. I just think it makes me feel more prepared for whatever is out there. I have stayed away from scary shows/horror movies while I've been here because I don't need any help scaring myself any. So I have stayed up late at night trying to put off going to bed since that means all of the lights will be turned off. I also stay up late whenever I'm stressed out/don't like my job in an attempt to put off the next day coming. However, this time, it's definitely being in a new place alone. It'd be fine if they had curtains or working lights. Some of my thoughts have been along the lines of what if zombies suddenly started pounding on the door? What if Zeus suddenly turned into the dog from I am Legend? What if there really is someone standing in the shadows? I've decided I would probably make an excellent writer if I actually had the attention span to match.

So I went to bed at 1am last night only to be promptly woken up at 6am by Zeus. Had I gone to bed at a decent hour, this would not have been a problem ... also if I had not been having such cool dreams, this would not have been a problem. I find that this factor plays a whole lot into my sleeping late. When I first wake up, I remember what I was dreaming about and usually it's pretty awesome - so awesome, in fact, that I then go back to sleep. I usually don't remember what it was that I was dreaming about later that day but they're usually better than some movies. I know that last night I was traveling somewhere with three friends and it was so vivid with checking in and taking an airport shuttle. I need to turn my awake life into as much of an adventure as my dream life appears to be.

Watermelon Run 5K

I'm currently in Winter Park, Florida, a tiny little town on the outskirts of Orlando. I'm dogsitting for a family that I know and will be here a total of 11 days. When I got here, the mom let me know that there was going to be a 5K on July 4th. She and I run together when she's back in Baton Rouge and I will be returning here in February to compete in a half marathon. I figured why not? I need practice and don't really have anything else to do.

Oh gosh, Florida humidity + race = brutal. Parts of me that I didn't know sweat were sweating. It was nasty. My time was 34:57 which isn't my best time but I finished! And I finished in both the top third and was one of the first 3000 people to cross the finish line so I got a nice little souvenir cup.

There are parts of this race that I liked a lot better than the Race for the Cure in Waco.

1) Pace signs - All of us got to run according to what pace we could do. This really helped out with the start of the race as the people with 10+ pace and walkers were to line up in the back so I didn't have to dodge them. However, it also seems some people were a little too confident in their pace but at least it wasn't a lot of them.

2) Time clocks - At the 1, 2, and 3 mile marks, they had time clocks up so you could see how you were doing. The only downside to this is that not all of us started at 0:00:00 seeing as how the start corral was pretty deep. It helped to know that I started around the 1 minute mark.

3) Star Spangled Banner - A trumpeter came out to play this before the race and I realized that we don't hear this song enough ... especially on the 4th of July. Francis Scott Key really captured the fight in Americans' hearts to be independent and free.

4) Watermelon - oh gosh, out of everything at the end of the race that they had to help hydrate us, the watermelon was by far the best. It's 92% water. I think this should be an option at the end of all races.

There were also things I didn't like ...

1) No warm up - Now I didn't like that there wasn't an organized warm up like Race for the Cure had. Granted, these were all pretty serious runners and we all warmed up on our own. I just think that a group warm up would have helped pass the time.

2) Tshirts - Both races had race tshirts but I learned on this one that you don't have to wear it to the race. And if I do another hot race like this, it's time to put aside my modesty and just run in a sports bra and shorts. I haven't run in a tshirt since Race for the Cure and have been fine in a tank top but I was dying out there. The only downside would be I need something to wipe my face.

3) Running alone - I mentioned this before but it's still true. I would much rather have someone there with me although now it doesn't have to be someone running. There were over 3000 runners there today .... aka strangers. Before the race, I was starting to get really anxious about this and knew that if it didn't get better, I would have gone back to the car and left. I think if someone had been there with me and we were chatting, it would have been much better.

But I finished and survived and had a really strong finish - a faster pace from 2.8 on and then sprinting the last tenth. Gotta finish strong. And now I'm off for a pedicure and some self care before Zeus and I head out to the lake tonight to watch some fireworks :-)

New Blog

As much as I have tried to avoid it, I have finally given in and started a second blog ... but for good reasons. I know I'll sound like a huge dork when I say this but I love making hats. My family is full of really creative women who seem to excel in everything ... unlike me who seems to struggle with everything that I attempt. I was so glad to move away from Baton Rouge because people I meet would not know who my mother or sisters are and I wouldn't hear comments like "do you make your own clothes, too?" or "you've got such a talented family, what do you do?" Um, nothing. I burn almost everything I cook and I can't sew a stitch to save my life. While I have started to decorate cupcakes, the level of talent still pales in comparison to that of my sisters and mother.

However, all of this changed my last semester in undergrad. I took Hatmaking (yes, it's a real class for college credit). I loved it and loved making the different hats. But time got away from me and I didn't get to pursue it like I planned. This past November, my oldest sister told me that she was having a tea held in her honor and everyone needed hats and she wanted to make one for it. She asked ME to teach HER. And then my MOTHER asked ME too! So I came home for Thanksgiving and taught them how to make hats and in the process made another one for a friend of mine. I loved how it turned out and ordered several additional hoods so that I can make some more. Granted, I don't need a bajillion hats so I'm going to start making them as presents and selling them. I just love the creative outlet that this provides. I'm almost done with a cloche for a girl I used to nanny and have another idea to start after I finish that one.

Anyway, if you want to follow that one ... http://capsbykiki.blogspot.com/

:-)

It's been a long time ...

As I go about my days now, things will happen that I think I should blog about and then I never get around to doing. Right now, I feel like my life is on hold while the real world is flying by me. I've been home for one month and am still unemployed/homeless. This isn't for lack of trying either. I have repeatedly applied for positions but that darn license is holding me up. I mailed in my application to take the exam FOUR weeks ago and still haven't heard from them. This is getting increasingly frustrating. On top of that, I was called about one of the positions that I applied for in Austin. I was so psyched about this job. They wanted to interview me so I passed all of their minimum qualifications and had the preferred experience (my specialization sure is coming in handy). So I called the lady back and first question was do I have my license? I explained that I was in the process. She said to call her when I had it and we would set up the interview. That was almost two weeks ago. How long are they willing to wait? Ugh. I am so ready to have my own place again - to live alone again - and have ALL of my clothes! I am so tired of living out of two suitcases which I've been doing since December. This has gotten old. I'm ready to settle down.

At least something has been occupying my time this week. JURY DUTY. Let me tell you - it is the most boring experience of my life. I have spent two days sitting around and waiting. The only thing that was said to us today was that we could go to lunch for an hour and then we had to be back at 10am. That's it - no update on the status of anything. We're left in the dark not knowing. I think I'd rather get a root canal - at least Dr. Scotty tells me every step he's making. However, I have decided that the one good thing about this is that I have now eaten at Poor Boy Lloyd's two days in a row. I have missed Louisiana cooking so much. Their crawfish poboy can almost make jury duty worth it. I'm crossing my fingers that I don't get picked for the jury though. I try so hard to not judge people and this goes against everything. I don't believe that it's our place to pass judgment on others. If I do get selected - I hope it's for something minor and not a murder. Louisiana has the death penalty, and I'm not okay with that.

This past weekend, my parents and I drove down to Meraux, LA to help my sister and her fiance paint their house. He's been rebuilding it for the past five years. Meraux was hit hard by Hurricane Katrina and everything was destroyed in the floods. Homeowner's insurance protects against floods - not hurricanes - so people were left with nothing. The sense of community in South Louisiana is amazing. People have slowly been rebuilding their lives as they can. It's their home and they're not going anywhere. So my mom and I decided to have fun with the painting. We took a trip to the local goodwill to pick up some painting clothes for us and my sister....

My life's playlist

"Come Back to Me" - David Cook

You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me I'll wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and I'll let you go, I'll set your free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't face you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me
Come back to me

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

You find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me

Really?

Earlier today if you would have asked me, I would have told you that I was genuinely happy with my life and where I'm headed. However, if you were to ask me right now, I think I would just answer that life sucks. I'm still excited to see where my life leads me, I'm just a little/maybe more than a little on the downside.

You see, tonight was my second date with the stranger. We started off with dinner at Baris, then watched Date Night, and then went back to his place to chat. It turned out to be simultaneously the best and worst date of my life. Oh gosh, how much I like this guy is ridiculous. We just click - never struggling to find anything to talk about ranging from which Star Trek series was the best to neighborhood revitalization, talking non stop at points and then enjoying the silence while looking at each other pondering what the other is thinking and then asking about thoughts and launching into a whole new conversation, feeling completely at ease in each other's presence. You know, just clicking. I am so comfortable around him and have even found a whole new side of me whenever I'm with him - assertive and confident and completely open and honest and 100% myself. It's liberating and freeing. I have told him how much I enjoy his company and how I find it impossible not to smile around him. He returned the sentiments. There is obvious chemistry between us.

You're probably wondering how what seems to have been such at amazing date night could also be the worst. Our lives aren't matching up at this point. I'm leaving Waco on Sunday unsure of when I will return. His funding for grad school has run out. At present, he is staying in Waco and working but possibly looking into UT Austin to finish his degree. So while one might point out that Austin is where I'm planning on living and would work if he gets into UT Austin, who knows when/if that will be. And he also used that dreaded phrase tonight "need time" to figure things out. I genuinely believe him when he says that he has had a great time hanging out with me and getting to know me. There are other reasons behind the "need time" that are not mine to divulge and which I can respect. It just sucks that I meet this amazing guy that I click with and can't wait to see and feel like time passes too quickly when we're together to only find out that everything is coming to a screeching pause (I refuse to say halt because I have some hope that I will hear from him again after "time"). Life just sucks like that. It's not easy.

So pardon me if I decide to hide under this rain cloud for awhile.

Coffee

Hmm, I had my coffee date today with the stranger. I've called my friend, Brianna, and my mom to tell them about it but I find that I struggle to find the right words to express how it went. It was amazing. It was wonderful. We had such great conversations. And, seriously, the all time best part? Definitely when he told me that one of his childhood fears was sharks in the deep end of swimming pools. I looked at him and told him that I could have hugged him right then and there. I have NEVER met anyone else who has had that fear. Granted, I still have it but it was refreshing to meet someone else who has had it.

And .... I have another date next week :-)

Stranger Danger! Revisited...

A little over a week ago, I wrote how I felt that my avoidance of strangers and social situations was limiting my life. Well, I'm here to tell you that I have really tried to work on that with some surprising results (both good AND bad).

Let's start off with the avoidance of social situations ....

My friend, Ashley, is very kindly letting me stay with her while I wrap up school. I am SOO fortunate to have friends like her ... especially since she knows how I am and makes me partake in social gatherings. She brought me to Zumba and her soccer practice and I've actually had fun.

Then this past week, I went kayaking with Brianna, Marissa, and Patty. I had such a blast with them and am so thankful that Bri didn't fall into the Brazos River. My arms actually weren't that bad the next day. I just wish we had done it sooner.

This past Friday was Katie's Bachelorette Party up in Ft. Worth at the 8.0 Bar. It was a cute little place. We sat outside and chatted with each other waiting for the 80s band to start. I had a ton of fun. I just wish I had worn more comfortable shoes! I also rode up there and back with a girl that I knew through friends and ... a stranger. I had never met the driver before but she was cool and we had some pretty cool conversations. I'll admit I fell asleep on the ride back home so I kinda missed out on the chatting then.

Now apparently something happened over the weekend. On Saturday, I went down to Austin to see my friend, Lisa, for some quality girl time and her birthday. We went bowling with some of her friends and then out to a bar in Weir, Texas (pop. 631). Now, for those of you that know me know that I don't drink, so I really have no good explanation for the picture below except that somewhere during the course of the day my avoidance of social situations and strangers flew out the door. Oh yes, this is a picture of me dancing in an empty bar by myself.

But oh does this get better. During the course of our night at the bar, a certain drunkard at the bar (okay, so there were 3 other people there besides the 6 of us) decided he wanted to dance with us. He first danced with Lisa and that's when we realized he had peed his pants. After he finished dancing with Lisa, he went back to his table and we thought that was the end of it. OH NO .... he came back at which point we were all trying to hide behind each other. I was hiding behind Lisa when he came towards her and she ran off leaving me by myself! He grabbed my hands and started dancing with me. All I could think was to make sure I avoided his pee pants. Then at the end, he grabbed me and shouted for someone to take a picture. I'm pretty sure the look on my face says it all. I don't like strangers and I don't like to be touched.

But there has been some good that has come from talking to strangers. Thursday night at the family dinner, I met Stranger. Yes, I'm calling him Stranger because the first thing I said to him was "I'm sorry, I'm not avoiding you completely on purpose, I just don't talk to strangers". Yes, yes, I did say that. Surprisingly, he answered that he didn't talk to them either. What? Can it be? Are there more people out there like me? There was some chit chat about Meyers Briggs Type Inventories (can you tell we're in social work??) and some other lovely chit chat. It's a good story. Really. Maybe one day I'll share it with you. The end of the story results in me having a date with Stranger next week ... or I guess this week. He's also asked if it would be okay with me if he came to my Colloquium. I smiled a lot that night and the next day. I'm super excited.