My life's playlist

"Come Back to Me" - David Cook

You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me I'll wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and I'll let you go, I'll set your free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't face you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me
Come back to me

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

You find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me

Really?

Earlier today if you would have asked me, I would have told you that I was genuinely happy with my life and where I'm headed. However, if you were to ask me right now, I think I would just answer that life sucks. I'm still excited to see where my life leads me, I'm just a little/maybe more than a little on the downside.

You see, tonight was my second date with the stranger. We started off with dinner at Baris, then watched Date Night, and then went back to his place to chat. It turned out to be simultaneously the best and worst date of my life. Oh gosh, how much I like this guy is ridiculous. We just click - never struggling to find anything to talk about ranging from which Star Trek series was the best to neighborhood revitalization, talking non stop at points and then enjoying the silence while looking at each other pondering what the other is thinking and then asking about thoughts and launching into a whole new conversation, feeling completely at ease in each other's presence. You know, just clicking. I am so comfortable around him and have even found a whole new side of me whenever I'm with him - assertive and confident and completely open and honest and 100% myself. It's liberating and freeing. I have told him how much I enjoy his company and how I find it impossible not to smile around him. He returned the sentiments. There is obvious chemistry between us.

You're probably wondering how what seems to have been such at amazing date night could also be the worst. Our lives aren't matching up at this point. I'm leaving Waco on Sunday unsure of when I will return. His funding for grad school has run out. At present, he is staying in Waco and working but possibly looking into UT Austin to finish his degree. So while one might point out that Austin is where I'm planning on living and would work if he gets into UT Austin, who knows when/if that will be. And he also used that dreaded phrase tonight "need time" to figure things out. I genuinely believe him when he says that he has had a great time hanging out with me and getting to know me. There are other reasons behind the "need time" that are not mine to divulge and which I can respect. It just sucks that I meet this amazing guy that I click with and can't wait to see and feel like time passes too quickly when we're together to only find out that everything is coming to a screeching pause (I refuse to say halt because I have some hope that I will hear from him again after "time"). Life just sucks like that. It's not easy.

So pardon me if I decide to hide under this rain cloud for awhile.

Coffee

Hmm, I had my coffee date today with the stranger. I've called my friend, Brianna, and my mom to tell them about it but I find that I struggle to find the right words to express how it went. It was amazing. It was wonderful. We had such great conversations. And, seriously, the all time best part? Definitely when he told me that one of his childhood fears was sharks in the deep end of swimming pools. I looked at him and told him that I could have hugged him right then and there. I have NEVER met anyone else who has had that fear. Granted, I still have it but it was refreshing to meet someone else who has had it.

And .... I have another date next week :-)

Stranger Danger! Revisited...

A little over a week ago, I wrote how I felt that my avoidance of strangers and social situations was limiting my life. Well, I'm here to tell you that I have really tried to work on that with some surprising results (both good AND bad).

Let's start off with the avoidance of social situations ....

My friend, Ashley, is very kindly letting me stay with her while I wrap up school. I am SOO fortunate to have friends like her ... especially since she knows how I am and makes me partake in social gatherings. She brought me to Zumba and her soccer practice and I've actually had fun.

Then this past week, I went kayaking with Brianna, Marissa, and Patty. I had such a blast with them and am so thankful that Bri didn't fall into the Brazos River. My arms actually weren't that bad the next day. I just wish we had done it sooner.

This past Friday was Katie's Bachelorette Party up in Ft. Worth at the 8.0 Bar. It was a cute little place. We sat outside and chatted with each other waiting for the 80s band to start. I had a ton of fun. I just wish I had worn more comfortable shoes! I also rode up there and back with a girl that I knew through friends and ... a stranger. I had never met the driver before but she was cool and we had some pretty cool conversations. I'll admit I fell asleep on the ride back home so I kinda missed out on the chatting then.

Now apparently something happened over the weekend. On Saturday, I went down to Austin to see my friend, Lisa, for some quality girl time and her birthday. We went bowling with some of her friends and then out to a bar in Weir, Texas (pop. 631). Now, for those of you that know me know that I don't drink, so I really have no good explanation for the picture below except that somewhere during the course of the day my avoidance of social situations and strangers flew out the door. Oh yes, this is a picture of me dancing in an empty bar by myself.

But oh does this get better. During the course of our night at the bar, a certain drunkard at the bar (okay, so there were 3 other people there besides the 6 of us) decided he wanted to dance with us. He first danced with Lisa and that's when we realized he had peed his pants. After he finished dancing with Lisa, he went back to his table and we thought that was the end of it. OH NO .... he came back at which point we were all trying to hide behind each other. I was hiding behind Lisa when he came towards her and she ran off leaving me by myself! He grabbed my hands and started dancing with me. All I could think was to make sure I avoided his pee pants. Then at the end, he grabbed me and shouted for someone to take a picture. I'm pretty sure the look on my face says it all. I don't like strangers and I don't like to be touched.

But there has been some good that has come from talking to strangers. Thursday night at the family dinner, I met Stranger. Yes, I'm calling him Stranger because the first thing I said to him was "I'm sorry, I'm not avoiding you completely on purpose, I just don't talk to strangers". Yes, yes, I did say that. Surprisingly, he answered that he didn't talk to them either. What? Can it be? Are there more people out there like me? There was some chit chat about Meyers Briggs Type Inventories (can you tell we're in social work??) and some other lovely chit chat. It's a good story. Really. Maybe one day I'll share it with you. The end of the story results in me having a date with Stranger next week ... or I guess this week. He's also asked if it would be okay with me if he came to my Colloquium. I smiled a lot that night and the next day. I'm super excited.

First Race

Today was my first 5K. I didn't get up early enough for the group warm up before hand but did get out there on time for the race.

I have learned next time ....

register for the timed race instead of untimed - it was so aggravating when the race started to try and weave my way through the walkers trying to get to the front to run. And then there were three boys probably no older than 12 or 13 that thought it was really funny to run in front of the people running and then stop. They did this to me and I almost fell onto the two little ones but had to side step in between them and ended up knocking into the third. I was not happy with them at all.

show up super early - the line for the timed runners to pick up their chips was incredibly long. I'll need to make sure that I do show up early next time so that I don't have to wait as long.

have someone there to cheer me on/run with - this one is merely preference. I think I would be more motivated to keep running if I know that somewhere along the route is going to be someone I know. This would also work if I had someone to run with.

don't schedule anything to do right after - immense hunger set in about three hours after the race. And the exhaustion. I took a 2 1/2 hour nap and still feel drained.

for longer races, schedule a massage - my legs were so sore and walking helps but after rest, they're stiff again. It would be so nice to have someone work out the kinks for me.

So the race itself was pretty good. I have mixed feelings about not knowing the route before I ran. I like the fact that I didn't know where the turning point but I think that could go against me too. I started off running and once I got past the walkers, I kept up a pretty good pace. I got to a point where very few people were passing me but I was still passing others. And I was determined to not walk at all. The last part was running across the Waco Suspension Bridge. I thought that it was going to be fun. I had never been across it before and then the moment I started across it, it wasn't fun anymore. There was a strong crosswind that made it difficult to run. I finished by sprinting the very, very last part. It felt good. I finished in 30:15 with an average pace of 9:26 which is just awesome.

I'm psyched about my next race :-)

Stranger Danger!

So I've been thinking a little bit today ... I didn't have my iPod with me when I ran so I thought for 2.31 miles.

Mostly about my aversion to social situations.

And how I keep thinking Stranger Danger! when put in situations where I don't know anyone.

I'm not sure that people quite understand how bad this is. I don't go anywhere alone, and I won't go places where I won't know anyone. I have driven up to places before, parked my car, thought about going in, and then driven away again. It's bad. Last year at the SW Family Dinner, I didn't know anyone at my table. I left. Seriously people, it's that bad. I hate to admit it but I have also passed on hanging out with friends if I know that I am going to have to walk into a room full of people alone. I really need to work on this, I know I do.

So then I started thinking about my lack of a love life. This resulted in several amusing conversations today. Just in case you heard ... no, I'm not really looking for a sugardaddy. I think the fact that I don't talk to strangers and won't go to places where I don't know people or where I have to show up alone is quite a hindrance. Thinking back the last five guys I have dated were all guys that worked at the same place I did. Obviously it worked out well .... not. Maybe I need to actually start going out with friends and be more willing to talk to strangers ... and I mean strangers in the sense of people that my friends know.

I was told today that I'm mysterious in my blogs. I don't mean to be and it's not that I want to sound all secretive. I think it's best for the person that I'm talking about's privacy to not say their name. This mainly pertains to children and if I happen to be dating anyone. When things get serious, I'll definitely say their name but, until then, I think nicknames will do. And if you really want to know, ask. I'm seriously not keeping any secrets and most likely have no idea that I come across that way.

Speaking of, I have been keeping up a correspondence with a certain Mr. Darcy (yes, Patty, I totally stole the name from Pride and Prejudice). I like to call him my pen pal because essentially that is what we are. We've been writing back and forth since the beginning of February and I have to say, I really enjoy it. I think the art of letter writing as been lost so this is nice and refreshing. I feel very old school.

Tomorrow is my first 5K. You might be thinking this is a sudden random change of topic but it's not. Not only does my first 5K mean that I am having to run early in the morning but I have to run with tons of other people. STRANGERS. Normally, this wouldn't be too bad but I have to sign in at the registration table. I have to walk around the strangers and possibly talk to them. Awkward. I'll be honest, it wouldn't be the end of the world if I just happened to sleep through my alarm. But I need to go. I need to get out of my comfort zone and do this. Mainly because of graduation on May 16th. I don't know who else is going to the main ceremony but it's going to be a lot of strangers in a confined space. STRANGERS + CLAUSTROPHOBIA = ANXIETY ATTACK. Uh oh.

Home is where the heart is??

I have wrapped up my time up north and find myself back in Waco for the next month getting ready for graduation and the dreaded licensing exam. I thoroughly enjoyed my internship and am desperately hoping for a job at Hopkins.

In other news, since coming back to Waco, I have heard the same two comments repeatedly, one - "What are your plans after you graduate?" and two - "Welcome home!". These have got me thinking and I don't know that I like the feelings the illicit.

I don't know what my plans are after I graduate. Currently, I'm unemployed and therefore will be heading back to my parents' house in Baton Rouge. This response usually results in a follow up question of where am I applying for a job. Everywhere. I don't have any geographic ties or any reason to go or stay somewhere. That might be liberating for some but it's getting old. Since I graduated undergrad, I have lived in six different cities in five different states. I like to think that I was born under a wandering star but I'm starting to get to the point where I wouldn't mind settling down. I just have no idea where that place is.

And then the subject of home. I don't know where home is anymore. It's not in Baton Rouge anymore. At some point that transitioned to the town that I grew up in or my parents' home - not mine. I don't feel like Waco is home anymore or Catonsville where I just was. I don't feel like I have a home. I might sound like I'm having a pity party of one but it's really something that I've been thinking about lately. I don't know where my life is headed or where "home" is. My stuff has been in storage over the past five years longer than it's been out. I've only had my name on a lease for 16 months out of 60 months. And I meet DHHS's definition of homeless. That's crazy.

I'm ready to find a job and settle down.