Two weeks down and still loving it!

This past week at my internship was amazing. It started off on Monday with me having more interaction with the patients. I was a little hesitant my first week when my supervisor told me that we would talk about when I could have my own patients in my third week. Really? I would have to wait three weeks before we even talk about getting my own? Oh well. But I got to do two patient discharges and helped one of them move to our patient and family services pavilion (read: inexpensive housing).

But things started to get way better when I sat down with the Director of the Cancer Counseling Center to talk about what she does. During the course of my conversation with her, I kept getting more and mroe excited about what we were talking about. I felt like I could keep up with our discussion intellectually as we discussed Worden and Kublar-Ross and what therapy skills to use with our client population. It was all very intense and thought provoking and I could contribute! It really energized me as I felt as though I really was right where I belonged.

Then things just continued to get better. I went to a seminar Tuesday afternoon about survivorship and the emotional and psychological aspects of cancer. The speaker was Dr. Elizabeth Clark, Executive Director of the National Association of Social Workers (read: really important person in the land of social workers). Before the seminar started, I was sitting towards the front minding my own business because I don't like strangers and two people were standing in the front of the room talking. One of them looked at me and started chit chatting so I asked if she was Dr. Clark. She said yes and walked over to me. So I stood up and introduced myself as Kari the Social Work Intern. She asked which school I came from and when I answered Baylor, she responded, "Oh, yes. I've heard about you." What? The ED of NASW has heard of ME??!! Turns out that she and the director of the palliative care unit that I have gotten to know and asked if I can be part of was talking to her about me. And the best part? She's invited me down to DC to meet with her at the NASW Headquarters. I really have a hard time explaining the awesomeness of this to non social workers. But, needless to say, I'm psyched!

Then on Thursday, my supervisor was off for the day. I had the whole Bone Marrow Transplant Unit to myself. And you know what? I didn't screw up. I had an amazing day. I went on rounds, attended the staff meeting, updated everyone on the patients on the floor, did an evaluation by myself, handled two discharges, and then went and met with all of the patients on the floor. Some of them didn't have anything to say, one made me leave their room (I'm perfectly okay with this), and then the others had quite a bit to say. I have learned to meet the patients where they are. Sometimes this means that we talk about cancer and what's to come while other times it means that we talk about the crime rate in Baltimore, what it's like to be a car mechanic, the proper way to shave a dog, and other random topics. I had a wonderful conversation with a pretty cool sounding man. I don't know anything about their backgrounds or who they are outside of the hospital but for the most part, people in hospitals are pretty cool. Everyone has a unique story and I enjoy taking the time to hear them. Then on the way home, I called my supervisor to update her on the unit. She told me that with her intern last year, if she was going to take a day off of work, she would have told the intern to take the day off too. But not with me. She said that she had all the confidence in the world that I was ready to handle the unit on my own. Wow, what an overwhelming compliment for me to hear. I think that most of the time, I doubt myself and my abilities. I was so nervous at the start of the day but I handled it all well. Everything went smoothly and I knew when to call other social workers for help or questions. I need to start having more confidence in myself.

What an amazing week. I truly hope my friends are having as wonderful experiences as I.

Exhausted

I climbed into bed tonight at 8 pm. I just caught up with a friend on the phone and am ready to go to sleep. I am so exhausted both mentally and physically. I know that part of the reason is that I am still adjusting to my new routine. The mornings come so early! But another thing that I have noticed is that death brings mental exhaustion - not just for the person who is dying but for all those involved in that person's journey. I wonder sometimes if it's easier to be a family member who can express their feelings instead of a social worker who maintains composure at all times.

I sat in a room this week as we talked to a patient, his wife, and his mother about his discharge plans. He was going home to receive hospice care - he was going home to die. I grieve for this person and his children. I grieve for the father/daughter wedding dances that will never happen, I grieve for all the milestones that require the presence of a father. And I realized that the people that I meet on my unit are so much stronger and braver than I would ever be in the same situation. It tires me and hurts my heart to learn their stories and think about how death will forever change their lives.

I wish that I was not as tired as I am so that I could express everything I'm thinking and feeling at this moment but I believe sleep would be best for me at this point.

Second day not quite same as the first

Wow. My second day on the floor was emotionally exhausting. I have learned that I need a better poker face, insurance companies stink, and apparently you can never wash your hands enough.

I have so many emotions about what happened and I need to get them out but I haven't had any time to myself today to collect my thoughts. I'll be blogging when *if my flight isn't cancelled!* I get back to Waco.

Ponderings

When I started this blog, I thought that I would use it to help me navigate this crazy little thing called life. I have realized that sometimes I need to "empty my bucket" of stress and sadness that I carry around. This blog has become an outlet of sorts and I know over the next several months of my internship it will only become more so as I struggle with the challenges to my beliefs, my faith, and the meaning of life. I'd be naive to think that I won't be challenged or angered by what I see and experience first hand. I also know that I can't just write about the sad things because people will stop reading which I'm not writing this for anyone anyway but I know people do read it and I don't want to depress them constantly. I was told once that I shouldn't focus just on the negatives and depressing things because it gets others down and that I should also share the joys. So that's what I intend to do. Of course with confidentiality rules, my rantings about my internship will be vague and unidentifiable. I just don't know how much I'm willing to share about my life outside of my internship. I had a blog before and I wrote about everything going on which looking at now makes me seem rather shallow and vapid. So I guess we'll just take this one day at a time and see what happens.

Today was my first day on the unit floor. I am shadowing my supervisor for two days before I head back to Waco. I absolutely loved everything about it. The fast paced feeling and the great sense of teamwork amongst the staff. I attended a couple of meetings. It was in the second meeting that something was said that has really stuck with me. I think ... ok, I hope that by blogging about this that I'll be able to deal with it and move on. Compassion fatigue is a risk with oncology social work and I need to practice self care to try and keep this from happening. Anyway, young mother of three has a prognosis that's not very good. Pretty much, she's dying. This isn't what bothered me. We had a couple of young people on the unit who are dying. And yes, it does upset me but I know that death is inevitable. It's not my job to save their lives, in fact, I can't save their lives. And yes, dying sucks. But what has upset me is that fact that she has accepted that she is dying. I don't know her and I don't know what she's thinking. My thoughts just keep going to her three children. The youngest one is old enough to understand what is happening but will miss out on so many things. This is where I get upset thinking about this child and the milestones that are still ahead of them in life that should be shared with a mother. We all think well if it was me I would do this and I would do that but honestly, I think I would fight. I would fight whatever is ravaging my body until it wins. I will not give up. I can't. I would need my family to know that I gave it my all to try and stay here with them on this earth. That I fought to see them grow up and go off to school dances, band concerts, prom, graduations, wedding, grandkids. I wouldn't say that I've accepted death. I will not accept death at a young age. I will only begin to think about accepting death when I can reflect on my life and say wow, I really lived and saw so many things and shared so many experiences. And I hope to be well into my 90s or 100s by the time this rolls around. I also think it's different when you have a kid. You have someone to live for. Someone that's counting on you and your guidance. I'm not angry at this mother. Not at all. Like I said, I don't know her or her experiences. I'm upset for her children who are going to have to experience milestones without their mother physically present.

Tomorrow is a new day. We'll see how it goes. Should be good though. I'm starting off with breakfast at 7am with I and then off to a Morbidity and Mortality conference. I works nights and gets off at 7 so it works out for the both of us to meet for breakfast when he's getting off and I'm starting. Not holding my breath on anything here. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, I have a friend here to hang out with. I'm so thankful for Ashley making me read a certain book. I feel so much better about relationships and am not as stressed about them. I already have enough stress in my life.

A change in scenery

Today was my first day up here. Orientation doesn't actually start until Monday but there's a lot of background stuff that I need to take care of before I can begin my internship. I got in last night and was greeted by three adorable kids. The youngest one, D, is 18 months and has decided that I'm his new buddy. The parents were amazed because he doesn't take to new people very well. I wasn't even here for 20 minutes before he was running into my arms. I think that's the effect you have on kids when you don't want any of your own. I stayed up with K last night watching the latest episode of Brothers & Sisters. I've now doubled the amount of estrogen in this house and she has someone to watch all of her shows with. It's a new episode of Glee tonight so I'll be excited to watch that with someone who can appreciate the witty humor. But enough about tv.

Today, I needed to have my occupational health screening done. I had planned on getting this done first thing this morning but because of the fact that I have had 3 hours of sleep since Sunday night, I needed to sleep in. So I did until the very late hour of 9:30 am when N came wandering into the room. I got up and hung out around the house with K and the boys. I finally got ready to head out. I got into my very spacious rental car .. a Chevy Cobalt .. which is more of a clown car than anything else. It makes me feel like a giant. I headed off to Baltimore. It's not a bad drive at all but I don't know what traffic will be like early in the morning. I struggled to find a parking garage for the building I was looking for and finally asked a random attendant where I could park. He said I had the right garage and then told me that Occupational Health doesn't validate parking but just to tell whoever was working when I was done that he said I could park for free. Oh ok. My visit took THREE hours, most of which was spent sitting in a waiting room. They made me do a drug test which I'm actually unsure about passing. I take Xanax for my anxiety and I took some yesterday so it might show up. All that will happen is that I will need to go talk to someone about what I take and why. Then they drew my blood for several tests. I should be cleared by Friday, Monday at the latest. Then I came home and hung out with K and the boys, washed dishes, and am just waiting for J to come home so K and I can head off to ladies night. I think that's a plus for living with people - there's always something going on.

It started to hit me today as I drove into the city. One, I forgot how much I like the hustle and bustle of a big city. I think metro areas are the best. I like the quaintness of a small town but love all the things big cities have to offer. That's what I have going on here. K & J live outside of Baltimore but are so close to it that they can go there for anything they want. Did someone say mall? But another thing that is starting to set in for me is that I have an internship at the Johns Hopkins Hospital. And that's just how they say it too, THE Johns Hopkins Hospital. The campus is massive and there are only 11 social work interns. ELEVEN. And I'm one of them. This is such an exciting time in my life. I really can't wait to see what the future holds for me. This week I get to take it easy and try to rest up from this past semester but next week, I'll be on the campus for orientation and then shadowing Lacy. It still kind of feels surreal like it's not happening but I'm sure it'll really hit on Monday.

Today was the last time ...

I registered for classes for graduate school! I have six months left until I am completely done. Wow, time is flying by. I think I've managed to get a somewhat okay hold on my stress right now. But I also have a paper due tomorrow that I have not begun to write and it's 9:32 PM. I'm not going to bother writing it tonight either. Technically, I have until midnight on Friday. I'll do it tomorrow.

I've been doing a lot of reading to prepare me for my internship next semester. Right now, I'm reading 135 days with Elena - Notes Left Behind about a 6 yr old with diffused brainstem glioma. I am constantly amazed by the strength of children and the knowledge that they possess when they are sick. It's been a tough read but really insightful. It's written by her mother and father as a journal for her little sister to remember her by. It is full of raw emotions and all the questions that no one wants to ask or thoughts that people are too afraid to voice. It's really good. I need to get around to booking my flight up to Baltimore in December for orientation. I'm getting more and more excited about it but still having trouble realizing how incredibly amazing this is. I mean, who all can say that they interned at Johns Hopkins? Really, that's some craziness right there. I've also been playing around looking at different places for rent in case I do end up with a job there after I graduate. I found a couple of cute apartments/townhomes that are for rent. I do know that I don't want a place that has the typical apartment feel to it. I want an apartment home. Preferably a townhome or rowhouse to be exact. I'm excited to have a grown up life with a grown up place. I have a great place right now but I'm still in graduate school and have some furniture that can be upgraded to grown up. I'm excited :-) I keep thinking about different goals too. I think I'm going to look into Spanish classes too so that I can work on becoming fluent. It's always helpful to be able to speak more than one language.

And in other news, I had some Start First groups today at a middle school. Start First is an in school violence prevention education program that teaches students positive coping skills to some of the negative behaviors that they might be seeing at home or in their community. Today, I was working with a group of seventh grade boys and asking them when they think of their ideal girl that they would want to go with, what does she look like? Well, I started hearing responses like, "wears glasses", "brown hair", "earrings", "brown shoes", and other very descriptive qualities that described how I look today. Ha! I was flattered and made them focus on inner qualities that they would like. They're really sweet kids. Always a joy to work with.