Home is where the heart is??

I have wrapped up my time up north and find myself back in Waco for the next month getting ready for graduation and the dreaded licensing exam. I thoroughly enjoyed my internship and am desperately hoping for a job at Hopkins.

In other news, since coming back to Waco, I have heard the same two comments repeatedly, one - "What are your plans after you graduate?" and two - "Welcome home!". These have got me thinking and I don't know that I like the feelings the illicit.

I don't know what my plans are after I graduate. Currently, I'm unemployed and therefore will be heading back to my parents' house in Baton Rouge. This response usually results in a follow up question of where am I applying for a job. Everywhere. I don't have any geographic ties or any reason to go or stay somewhere. That might be liberating for some but it's getting old. Since I graduated undergrad, I have lived in six different cities in five different states. I like to think that I was born under a wandering star but I'm starting to get to the point where I wouldn't mind settling down. I just have no idea where that place is.

And then the subject of home. I don't know where home is anymore. It's not in Baton Rouge anymore. At some point that transitioned to the town that I grew up in or my parents' home - not mine. I don't feel like Waco is home anymore or Catonsville where I just was. I don't feel like I have a home. I might sound like I'm having a pity party of one but it's really something that I've been thinking about lately. I don't know where my life is headed or where "home" is. My stuff has been in storage over the past five years longer than it's been out. I've only had my name on a lease for 16 months out of 60 months. And I meet DHHS's definition of homeless. That's crazy.

I'm ready to find a job and settle down.

Things are starting to look better

This morning I actually woke up before my alarm went off. I used to do this back before grad school when I had somewhat of a routine schedule.

But this morning ... well it felt different. I felt different. I have always struggled with thinking of myself as a grown up but, for some reason, this morning, I felt older. That still wasn't it though, something was still different.

I went to work and ran around meeting with clients and trying not to think about all the work I had to get done outside of work. Then I checked my email and got an email that just made my day, my semester, made all these sleepless nights and emotional days worth it. I know people want to know what it said but I'm conflicted about sharing because I feel as though I'd be bragging and that's not right because I don't have the right to brag. I'm no different than anyone else. So right now, I'm just honored.

I had a Social Work Appreciation Tea today. March was National Social Work month. Our VP of Human Relations has her Masters in Social Work and has a tea at her condo every year in appreciation of all that we do. I didn't want to go. I hate going to functions alone and avoid them as much as possible. My supervisor told me that I should go. She said she was going so I said okay. Then today she told me she wasn't. Everyone else I talked to said they weren't going but the Director of Oncology sent out a page and an email saying we needed to make sure we went. So I drove out there ... by myself. And I walked into a condo where I didn't know ANYONE. In any other situation, I probably would have driven away as soon as I got there but I didn't this time. I was so uncomfortable; I wanted to leave. But I stayed. The VP came up and introduced herself to me. We started chatting and I stayed for about 20 minutes. When I left, I found her and thanked her for the tea. She asked what I was up to and I told her where I had applied for a job. She asked if she could do anything and I jokingly said that if she knew them, that'd be great. She said for me to leave my name with her because she's friends with the president of the board. So I think that everything happens for a reason. I would never have stayed at the tea but now I'm thinking maybe I was meant to ... I guess we'll see.

I did it

I applied for my first real social work job. I mean I've had internships and got hired on at the Family Abuse Center but this will be my first real I'm-an-MSW-(hopefully, LMSW)-actually-earning-a-salary job.

It's a little exciting. I hope I hear from them. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I really do hope this first one contacts me. I'll be applying for more tomorrow and this weekend.

I've also decided not to post where I'm applying. And I don't want to know where my friends are applying. I want to know where they get a job but not where they're applying. I'm the type of person that wouldn't apply for a position no matter how much I want it if I know my friend is applying. And I hope my friends can understand my reasoning behind this.

So fingers crossed!

I really need to sleep ...

A lot of thoughts have been going through my mind lately. I have friends who have blogs and one of them is so amazingly eloquent and insightful, I'm highly jealous. But I realize that I have things that I need to get out of my head and written down. Maybe it'll be eloquent and maybe it won't make any sense at all. But tonight is not the night to start. I need to go to sleep so I can get to work early.

Anywho, in posts to come I hope to be able to work out my rambling thoughts on ...

- agapé love

- homelessness (including my new friend, Jimmy)

- the future

- striving to live a life as God's instrument

- really figuring out what I'm being called to do

But those will have to wait ...

All I Can Say...

I cannot wait until I graduate. Seriously. And I think grad students lie to grad students behind them in school so that they don't lose hope and give up. My first semester everyone ahead of me said don't worry this is the hardest semester. Then, the second semester was harder. I was told not to worry because it was really the hardest one. Third semester was insane with the amount of work. And here I am now, in my final semester. I feel so overwhelmed with school work. I'm burnt out. And everyone said this one was the easiest. I also understand that I have more work than the other students in my cohort because my supervisor thought it would be a good learning tool for me to write process recordings each week. Good grief. I also have a weekly log and a research paper. But those are the manageable things. What is killing me are the process recordings and a paper I'm working on for internship.

I cannot wait to graduate. I cannot wait to be done with papers. I cannot wait to be done with process recordings. I cannot wait to be done with journals. Or research papers. Or homework. Or Capstone.

I cannot wait to sleep. I cannot wait to have a life. I cannot wait to be able to practice social work without being micro managed.

3 months 6 days

Snow

Yesterday, the weather was a balmy 16 degrees, and we received 5-6 inches of snowfall. My friend, Cupcake, was having a game night at her place in Alexandria, and I was not about to let a little snowfall stop me from going. After all, I had made a king cake just for the occasion (even if it was my worst king cake to date - I blame the dough). While Cupcake is only 45 minutes from where I'm living, it took a little longer to get there because the roads had not been properly cleared. This means that I had a lot of time to think. And, boy, did I think.

I love snow. Seriously. I could sit in a window for hours watching it fall and blanket the earth. There is a serene, calmness that comes with fresh snowfall. It's incredible. I love standing outside with the snow falling around me listening to the .. well, nothing. It's an experience that is very hard to articulate. I love how the snow crunches under your shoes and makes your feet sink as you walk. I love the fact that in the middle of the night, it's still light out because the snow is reflecting light. I love that with snow there is a sense of innocence and rebirth. I just plain love snow.

I know that I tell people here that I hate it but really what I hate is snowfall in the city. It doesn't have the same effect on me as snowfall out in rural areas. It has the opposite effect in fact. It's dirty and brown and disgusting. I don't like walking in it, and I don't like seeing it. It doesn't stay fresh and innocent as long as the rural snow does. It only lasts about a day ... or until the plow trucks and sidewalk people begin clearing it all.

But rural snowfall has a strong hold on me. It has the ability to bring me to tears and fill me with amazement, awe, and reverence. I love this effect it has on me and, at most times, I can hold back the tears. I'm amazed that something like snow can have such an effect on me. The beauty of it can take my breath away. And it makes me feel alive. On the way home from Cupcake's last night, I was tempted to take a detour into the District and walk the National Mall nevermind it was midnight. The National Mall covered in snow was one of the most gorgeous sights I have ever seen. Again, I was filled with amazement and reverence and felt alive. I had to remind myself that taking a detour in 16 degree weather to walk through snow when not properly attired was not the smartest decision so I drove on. Between Baltimore and DC, there is the Baltimore-Washington Parkway (original, I know). It's designated as a state park so there aren't any buildings along the drive - just trees and nature. My drive last night was so beautiful. I was tempted many times to pull over and walk through the new fallen snow but had to continuously remind myself that it wasn't a smart idea. I drove along in deep thought about the fact that something like this could make me feel alive in a way I didn't know.

Then I began to realize that snow is not the only thing to have this effect on me. In fact ...

Tulips in the spring have the same effect. I am in love with tulips. I could sit and admire them all day as well.

And in the fall ...

the changing leaves have the same effect on me.

So all of this reflection got me thinking. I love the seasons. I have such an appreciation and admiration for nature and God's creation, why wouldn't I feel alive watching the seasons come and go? I feel alive at work as well like I'm right where I belong in terms of career. Now I just need to match these two up. I love the seasons up here but don't like the city feel. I love Waco but miss the seasons. When I start job searching at the end of February, I think this is something I'll be taking into consideration. Who knows where I'll end up .. Maine? New Hampshire? Wyoming?

Happy New Year!

This is going to have to be a short post since I have to hit the road tomorrow morning to head back to Baltimore but I wanted to post seeing as how it is now officially 2010. I can't remember making any New Year's Resolutions last year but I am definitely making them this year. 2009 was not so great - a lot of pain and grief. 2010 seems to be promising according to my yearly horoscope. I'm not one to put a lot of stock in what they say but I do tend to believe them a little :-) and this is why ... according to it, starting in January, I'll be in a different job with new responsibilities. In July, I will either get a different job or move higher up in my current one. Financially, this year will see marked improvement over last year's financial situation, however, it won't start to show until June. My love life is also going to improve. I have made mistakes in my past but I will have the opportunity to find newfound love this year. So of course I'm excited!

So my resolutions are:
1) To live simply.
2) To be happy.
3) To love freely.
4) To take care of myself body and soul.
5) To be more positive.
6) To live a greener life.

To live simply - during my time packing my apartment, I decided I have way too much stuff. I need to cut down on a lot of things. I also need to watch my spending. So this year, I will only purchase the necessities for myself. That means no more clothes or movies or music. I realize that this will also help my second resolution in a way. You see, a long time ago before grad school, I had a phenomenally paying job. I bought anything I wanted. However, I realized that this made life difficult for others since I was never wanting for anything. I also learned that money does not buy happiness and found myself wishing for time with others over material possessions. So this year, I will spend more time with friends both new and old and family. I will have to work hard at this one since everyone I know will be in different towns/cities/states/countries. Resolution #3 to love freely - I've been thinking about this one since I left Baltimore. I and I have had a lot of text conversations and some phone conversations. I have to admit that I am truly looking forward to seeing him again. In the beginning I had reservations (which is a post for another time) but I have decided there's no reason why I shouldn't allow myself to be happy. So I will see where this goes and I will be open to whatever comes my way. I will definitely have to reflect on this some more. Resolution #4 to take care of myself body and soul - I need to really focus on this one. I appreciate the beauty of life and the fact that it is a fragile gift. However, when I think about the next 3.5 months, I realize that it will be challenging and tough. Death is never an easy thing for anyone and I have chosen to pursue this as a career. People look at me like I'm crazy but I don't care. I truly feel that God is calling me to do this. So I need to make sure that I practice self care so that I don't burn out. I also hate what has happened to my body over the past two years .. more so this past year. This needs to change especially since I can't buy any clothes this year! So I will exercise more and eat a healthier diet. I just want to stop being so self conscious about everything. I envy people who are secure with their bodies. Resolution #5 to be more positive - I have realized that I gossip a lot. This needs to stop. I also realize that I believe there is no difference between thinking something negative and saying it. So I will be focusing on thinking more positive things and gossiping less. This one will be the toughest I think. And resolution #6 to live a greener life - I used to try and do this and just need to get back in the habit. I will try not to waste as much and be conscious of what I'm doing. I have a reusable lunch bag with reusable sandwich and snack bags that my sister made me for Christmas. I also have grocery bags. I will try to not drive as much and walk whenever possible.

I will periodically reflect on these this year. But for now this will due. After all, I still need to get some sleep tonight for my long drive tomorrow. Two days and I'll be back in Baltimore. I can't wait to see what 2010 holds in store.

Happy New Year to everyone! May this year bring you wonderful opportunities and happy memories!