Rest Stop

Ho hum. I've been reading some friend's blogs lately and the way that they write and the profound things that they write about makes me feel really ... hmmm ... well maybe jealous is the word to describe it. I wish that I could write with the conviction that I see them write with but I have to remember that we're all unique and have our own special talents and gifts. I'll just keep telling myself that when a little bit of jealousy creeps up.

Oh my goodness was the past weekend insane. I'm very upset and afraid that I didn't act like a very good Christian or instrument of God's will. I have to remind myself that kindness kills .. or at least I need to try kindness when that's the very last thing I want to do. First of all, Continental Airlines provided the absolutely worst experience ever in travel. My flight Saturday morning was cancelled due to the major snowstorm that hit Catonsville and the Northeast in general. I got a text and at 5:30 am called Continental to reschedule my flight. After three hours on hold, I finally got someone who first told me that they automatically reschedule people for the next available flight and that would be Saturday the 26th, after Christmas and the day my family leaves for a cruise. Not acceptable. Then she told me that she actually can't do anything, I have to wait for Continental to call me to reschedule. Okay, I checked with her to make sure they had the right number, thanked her, and then hung up to wait for my phone call. I looked at the BWI website and saw that Southwest had flights still going in and out so I looked on their website and my parents graciously bought me a one way ticket to Dallas today. Thank goodness because I still haven't heard from Continental and every number I could find for them is answered by a computer voice saying they're not accepting calls at this time. Just wait until they are .... ooh, it makes me mad. And then the incompetent people at Nissan can't figure out how to change my billing address. I do feel bad about how I handled that phone call and hope that debacle has been settled.

I had to write a journal for my time at orientation this past week and I realized something as I answered the section where I talk about my thoughts and feelings regarding my experiences. I said that I didn't know how I was going to react to the suffering and death around me that I will see on a daily basis. I know that my faith and beliefs will be challenged continuously and I will most likely never come to an understanding about life and the atrocities that happen. If I start to dwell on the idea of human suffering, I struggle because I know that in order to know what happiness is we have to know what sadness and suffering are. But to what extent? Is it part of the balance that we have to watch our loved ones suffer and die from things that they don't deserve? I don't mean to sound judgemental but the people who smoke several packs of cigarettes a day and develop lung cancer may have been able to avoid that but what about the people who don't smoke and still develop lung cancer? Where is the justice in that? My viewpoint at one time was that when we have done what we are supposed to here on Earth, our time is up and we die. I was okay with this belief until you bring cancer, disease, murder, car accidents, and other horrific things into the equation. If we die when we've accomplished what we are meant to, why does it have to be in such a painful, suffering manner? That's not right. So I don't know why bad things happen to good people and I don't know why God lets it. It pains me to read about genocide in Darfur, starving orphans in Guatemala, and all the other atrocities that have happened. I still get really upset about the Holocaust and will argue passionately with people who believe it never happened (I have actually gone back and forth with Bradley Smith, the founder of CODOH - Committee for the Open Debate on the Holocaust). If it pains me, I cannot even begin to fathom the pain that God is in watching His children harm so many others. But then I realize that when I'm not acting in a Christian manner, I am probably causing Him sadness as well. I want so badly to live as an instrument of His will but still find myself struggling with maintaining a Christian mindset daily. I have friends that I believe are absolutely wonderful examples of Christians and love in the world today. It's kind of funny that these same friends are also the ones that I believe are extremely profound in their blogs. So not only am I jealous of their writing abilities, I'm jealous of how they live their lives. This is something that I am beginning to think more about as 2010 rolls around. I'm tired of saying I want to do this and I want to do that. The time to live and act is now. I am going to try so hard to provide a good example of living a Christian life and being an instrument of God's will. I understand that this means no more gossiping and that really will be a hard one for me to let go of.

I also learned through reflection that my anger about why bad things happen is a cover for grief. It is easier for me to be angry about children losing their mothers and people having to suffer than grieve for everything that is being lost with their loved one. When a person dies, it isn't just the loss of a life. It's the loss of a relative, friend, jogging partner, golf buddy, foot massager, cook, maintenance man, and all the many different roles that people play in our lives. Death has a ripple effect that cannot be seen until it is experienced. My grandfather died this past summer and with his death, I lost bear hugs, stories about his youth, stamps, a smile with twinkling eyes, birthday cards, and the look that he gave me as he put his hands on my shoulders that said I'm proud of you. Not only did I lose these things but I lost milestones to be shared. I'm graduating in May and wish my grandparents were around to see it. One day I might get married and have kids and I wish that they would be able to know my grandparents. I'm not angry though. I grieve. I grieve for all the ripples, as far reaching as they are, that death brings with it.

In other news, breakfast with I went well. I really didn't know what to think about this in terms of friendship or relationship or whatnot but I decided to just go with the flow and see what happens. He shared some of his life story with me and it's a pretty intense one that I would love to hear more about. He's a really interesting individual that is starting to challenge something I said in one of my posts a couple months ago but that would be a post for another day - I still need to think about it. We've been chatting since Friday's breakfast and will be making plans to hang out when I get back up north. We've both agreed that we're interested in seeing where this goes. I feel like I could devote a whole post to love and how Disney movies and romantic comedies have screwed me up for life. But I'll just end with I'm learning to not hold my breath and go with the flow and see where this road takes me ...

Second day not quite same as the first

Wow. My second day on the floor was emotionally exhausting. I have learned that I need a better poker face, insurance companies stink, and apparently you can never wash your hands enough.

I have so many emotions about what happened and I need to get them out but I haven't had any time to myself today to collect my thoughts. I'll be blogging when *if my flight isn't cancelled!* I get back to Waco.

Ponderings

When I started this blog, I thought that I would use it to help me navigate this crazy little thing called life. I have realized that sometimes I need to "empty my bucket" of stress and sadness that I carry around. This blog has become an outlet of sorts and I know over the next several months of my internship it will only become more so as I struggle with the challenges to my beliefs, my faith, and the meaning of life. I'd be naive to think that I won't be challenged or angered by what I see and experience first hand. I also know that I can't just write about the sad things because people will stop reading which I'm not writing this for anyone anyway but I know people do read it and I don't want to depress them constantly. I was told once that I shouldn't focus just on the negatives and depressing things because it gets others down and that I should also share the joys. So that's what I intend to do. Of course with confidentiality rules, my rantings about my internship will be vague and unidentifiable. I just don't know how much I'm willing to share about my life outside of my internship. I had a blog before and I wrote about everything going on which looking at now makes me seem rather shallow and vapid. So I guess we'll just take this one day at a time and see what happens.

Today was my first day on the unit floor. I am shadowing my supervisor for two days before I head back to Waco. I absolutely loved everything about it. The fast paced feeling and the great sense of teamwork amongst the staff. I attended a couple of meetings. It was in the second meeting that something was said that has really stuck with me. I think ... ok, I hope that by blogging about this that I'll be able to deal with it and move on. Compassion fatigue is a risk with oncology social work and I need to practice self care to try and keep this from happening. Anyway, young mother of three has a prognosis that's not very good. Pretty much, she's dying. This isn't what bothered me. We had a couple of young people on the unit who are dying. And yes, it does upset me but I know that death is inevitable. It's not my job to save their lives, in fact, I can't save their lives. And yes, dying sucks. But what has upset me is that fact that she has accepted that she is dying. I don't know her and I don't know what she's thinking. My thoughts just keep going to her three children. The youngest one is old enough to understand what is happening but will miss out on so many things. This is where I get upset thinking about this child and the milestones that are still ahead of them in life that should be shared with a mother. We all think well if it was me I would do this and I would do that but honestly, I think I would fight. I would fight whatever is ravaging my body until it wins. I will not give up. I can't. I would need my family to know that I gave it my all to try and stay here with them on this earth. That I fought to see them grow up and go off to school dances, band concerts, prom, graduations, wedding, grandkids. I wouldn't say that I've accepted death. I will not accept death at a young age. I will only begin to think about accepting death when I can reflect on my life and say wow, I really lived and saw so many things and shared so many experiences. And I hope to be well into my 90s or 100s by the time this rolls around. I also think it's different when you have a kid. You have someone to live for. Someone that's counting on you and your guidance. I'm not angry at this mother. Not at all. Like I said, I don't know her or her experiences. I'm upset for her children who are going to have to experience milestones without their mother physically present.

Tomorrow is a new day. We'll see how it goes. Should be good though. I'm starting off with breakfast at 7am with I and then off to a Morbidity and Mortality conference. I works nights and gets off at 7 so it works out for the both of us to meet for breakfast when he's getting off and I'm starting. Not holding my breath on anything here. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, I have a friend here to hang out with. I'm so thankful for Ashley making me read a certain book. I feel so much better about relationships and am not as stressed about them. I already have enough stress in my life.

A change in scenery

Today was my first day up here. Orientation doesn't actually start until Monday but there's a lot of background stuff that I need to take care of before I can begin my internship. I got in last night and was greeted by three adorable kids. The youngest one, D, is 18 months and has decided that I'm his new buddy. The parents were amazed because he doesn't take to new people very well. I wasn't even here for 20 minutes before he was running into my arms. I think that's the effect you have on kids when you don't want any of your own. I stayed up with K last night watching the latest episode of Brothers & Sisters. I've now doubled the amount of estrogen in this house and she has someone to watch all of her shows with. It's a new episode of Glee tonight so I'll be excited to watch that with someone who can appreciate the witty humor. But enough about tv.

Today, I needed to have my occupational health screening done. I had planned on getting this done first thing this morning but because of the fact that I have had 3 hours of sleep since Sunday night, I needed to sleep in. So I did until the very late hour of 9:30 am when N came wandering into the room. I got up and hung out around the house with K and the boys. I finally got ready to head out. I got into my very spacious rental car .. a Chevy Cobalt .. which is more of a clown car than anything else. It makes me feel like a giant. I headed off to Baltimore. It's not a bad drive at all but I don't know what traffic will be like early in the morning. I struggled to find a parking garage for the building I was looking for and finally asked a random attendant where I could park. He said I had the right garage and then told me that Occupational Health doesn't validate parking but just to tell whoever was working when I was done that he said I could park for free. Oh ok. My visit took THREE hours, most of which was spent sitting in a waiting room. They made me do a drug test which I'm actually unsure about passing. I take Xanax for my anxiety and I took some yesterday so it might show up. All that will happen is that I will need to go talk to someone about what I take and why. Then they drew my blood for several tests. I should be cleared by Friday, Monday at the latest. Then I came home and hung out with K and the boys, washed dishes, and am just waiting for J to come home so K and I can head off to ladies night. I think that's a plus for living with people - there's always something going on.

It started to hit me today as I drove into the city. One, I forgot how much I like the hustle and bustle of a big city. I think metro areas are the best. I like the quaintness of a small town but love all the things big cities have to offer. That's what I have going on here. K & J live outside of Baltimore but are so close to it that they can go there for anything they want. Did someone say mall? But another thing that is starting to set in for me is that I have an internship at the Johns Hopkins Hospital. And that's just how they say it too, THE Johns Hopkins Hospital. The campus is massive and there are only 11 social work interns. ELEVEN. And I'm one of them. This is such an exciting time in my life. I really can't wait to see what the future holds for me. This week I get to take it easy and try to rest up from this past semester but next week, I'll be on the campus for orientation and then shadowing Lacy. It still kind of feels surreal like it's not happening but I'm sure it'll really hit on Monday.

The End of a Road...

Today is my last day of classes for the semester. I have so many mixed feelings about this. I am so excited for what the future holds and so excited to start my internship but I'm really sad to move out of Waco. When I graduated from undergrad almost five years ago, I took a job where I ended up living out of two suitcases for three years. THREE YEARS. I moved around a lot and worked a ton of hours. I did not have time for a social life and my tendency to be introverted and fear of strangers really prevented me from making a lot of friends. Then I started at Baylor. Everyone was in the same boat and I made friends .. or I guess friends made me but that was really okay with me. I have so many great friends here that I know that I could count on and talk to. I did not have a lot of time to hang out with them but I really appreciated getting to know all of these wonderful people. And so this part of my journey ends and a new one starts. I am so incredibly excited to start anew but so hesitant about what awaits me.

And so I moved all of my stuff into storage on Saturday and am now living in a vacant apartment like a hobo. Last night, I came to the conclusion that my concrete floors are not comfortable to sit on for hours on end. But this is just a temporary arrangement. I'll be heading out of town soon. I can't wait to hear about the adventures and experiences of my friends and I can't wait to see them all again in April.

thoughts..

Change is in the air..

Today I got an email from my sister about Christmas at our parents' house. I love the holidays and the traditions that we have as a family. There's always a big baking weekend before Christmas and my mom decorates the house and Christmas carols are playing in the background. You can't really describe the wonderful feelings that are in the air during the Christmas season. It really is about the time that we have together. Then on Christmas Eve, we have a dinner together (used to be pizza but now is gumbo). Then my dad puts out the luminarios and us kids help him out while my mom gets the dessert trays ready. Then we get together in the living room. When all of us were younger, we would get ready for bed and put on our pajamas. Sometimes, if the weather is cold, we light a fire in the fireplace. The four kids take turns going one at a time and choosing a present from under the tree, we announce who it is for and who it is from. I love this time together as a family. When we're done, we put our presents under the tree for Santa to see and my parents stay up in front of the fire. The kids head off to bed. When we were younger, all four of us would sleep in the same bed.... well, we wouldn't sleep cause we were way too excited about Christmas. We would tell stories and laugh and have a great time. None of us ever snuck out of bed because we were afraid that if we caught Santa, we wouldn't get any presents. Then, on Christmas morning, we would wait until the designated time and then go wake our parents. We would sit on the couch in the living room trying to see everything that Santa had brought us and wait for our parents to get their cups of coffee. Then my dad would say we could see our presents. After we saw our presents, we would head off to church and then have a wonderful brunch (the usual Deviled Egg Casserole, a coffee cake, and other goodies). Then the rest of the day would be spent playing with our new presents or playing games together. No matter what it was that we were doing, we were spending the day together.

This is where my sister's email came in today. I love my family and really struggle with pursuing my dreams because of the fact that I can't do it in Baton Rouge. I think this is one of the big reasons that I cling to family traditions. I miss my family terribly and feel as though life is passing me by. One of my sisters is married with two boys, the other sister is engaged, and my little brother is in a committed relationship with an awesome girl. And here I am, alone in Texas. I miss out on all the family gatherings and it kills me. I wish that I could live back in Baton Rouge and still be able to have the opportunities that I am having.

Last year, my sister's fiance got a little tired towards the end of the present opening on Christmas Eve because he felt as though it was taking forever. I know that he didn't grow up with the same traditions that we did but I feel as though he should have been a little bit more respectful about our traditions instead of complaining. Well, my sister emailed us and said that she thought that this year it might be better if we all opened each others presents at the same time - I would pass out my presents to everyone and they would open them at the same time, she would pass out hers, and so on. Essentially, it would end up being that we only had six turns to open presents instead of 36 or however many. I hate that I feel as though our society is moving towards a faster, better, more efficient mindset. Why can't we stop to smell the roses? We miss out on so many things when we're speeding through life like the year Jason made a mask out of a shoe box or taking the time to thank each other and see the joy and surprise on their faces when they open the presents.

This email was followed by my other sister emailing to say that her family was starting their own Christmas tradition and they would not be over on Christmas Eve to open presents. I know that this was to be expected but I feel like my heart is breaking. I know that sounds a bit extreme but I am seriously in tears thinking about this. I can't help but start to dwell on the future and become depressed by what I see. I know that as my other sister and brother get married and start families of their own, they, too, will have their own Christmas traditions. I worry for my parents and what happens when they no longer have kids home on Christmas Eve to celebrate with them and spend time with them. Then I think about both my dad's side of the family and my mom's. My dad's side just started having family reunions so we see them once a year. I rarely see anyone on my mom's side of the family. These are their siblings. Really? Is this what I have to look forward to? Maybe seeing my siblings once a year? I hate to think that this is the future. I don't live in Louisiana, it's not as easy as driving home on the weekend and spending time with them either. Then I think about my grandfather. He hadn't seen his sisters in years ... YEARS. It is so incredibly depressing. Sometimes, I seriously consider giving up on my dreams and settling for a job in Louisiana. I know that my parents are proud of me but is it all worth it if I'm so far away?

thoughts..

Platinum

so no lie ... sometimes I secretly wish that when I get married I can have a Platinum Wedding like you see on We TV. Some of it is cheesy but overall, I think it's really pretty and fun stuff. Definitely opulent for sure. Although I would NEVER pay that much ($20,000 - $60,000) purely on linens for tables. That's just stupid.

Mad props

So I went out to a middle school today to lead some Start First groups. One of the things that I constantly hear from kids is how amazingly tall I am. It didn't help today that I was wearing 4 inch heels. However, I loved it when I was standing in the cafeteria looking for my kids when a 7th grade girl came up to me with one of her friends. Neither of them said a word to me the entire time. The 7th grader stood next to me and barely reached my shoulder. She straigthened up as best as she could to get every last possible centimeter and then asked her friend in all seriousness which one of us was taller. I had at least a foot on her and she was just standing there trying so hard to be as tall as I. I loved it. Things like this make my day :-)

Today was the last time ...

I registered for classes for graduate school! I have six months left until I am completely done. Wow, time is flying by. I think I've managed to get a somewhat okay hold on my stress right now. But I also have a paper due tomorrow that I have not begun to write and it's 9:32 PM. I'm not going to bother writing it tonight either. Technically, I have until midnight on Friday. I'll do it tomorrow.

I've been doing a lot of reading to prepare me for my internship next semester. Right now, I'm reading 135 days with Elena - Notes Left Behind about a 6 yr old with diffused brainstem glioma. I am constantly amazed by the strength of children and the knowledge that they possess when they are sick. It's been a tough read but really insightful. It's written by her mother and father as a journal for her little sister to remember her by. It is full of raw emotions and all the questions that no one wants to ask or thoughts that people are too afraid to voice. It's really good. I need to get around to booking my flight up to Baltimore in December for orientation. I'm getting more and more excited about it but still having trouble realizing how incredibly amazing this is. I mean, who all can say that they interned at Johns Hopkins? Really, that's some craziness right there. I've also been playing around looking at different places for rent in case I do end up with a job there after I graduate. I found a couple of cute apartments/townhomes that are for rent. I do know that I don't want a place that has the typical apartment feel to it. I want an apartment home. Preferably a townhome or rowhouse to be exact. I'm excited to have a grown up life with a grown up place. I have a great place right now but I'm still in graduate school and have some furniture that can be upgraded to grown up. I'm excited :-) I keep thinking about different goals too. I think I'm going to look into Spanish classes too so that I can work on becoming fluent. It's always helpful to be able to speak more than one language.

And in other news, I had some Start First groups today at a middle school. Start First is an in school violence prevention education program that teaches students positive coping skills to some of the negative behaviors that they might be seeing at home or in their community. Today, I was working with a group of seventh grade boys and asking them when they think of their ideal girl that they would want to go with, what does she look like? Well, I started hearing responses like, "wears glasses", "brown hair", "earrings", "brown shoes", and other very descriptive qualities that described how I look today. Ha! I was flattered and made them focus on inner qualities that they would like. They're really sweet kids. Always a joy to work with.

Happy Birthday to me...

Ok, so after a slight freakout, I feel as though I'm ready for this next year. I mean, don't get me wrong, the idea of being 26 is still pretty crazy and hard to believe. I'm okay with where I am headed career wise and I know that God has a plan for me. I'm going to try and stop freaking out about how I feel like my personal life is out of control. I'm going to take a deep breath, relax, and see where the road leads me ....

Pity Party of One

So I have no idea what's gotten into me lately. In two weeks, I'm going to be 26. Twenty-six. I haven't had a problem turning any age until now. I thought I would be weirded out when I turned 25 because I could never picture my life past it but I had no problem. I'm wondering if that's why I'm so ..... hesitant? anxious? unsure? completely against? .... turning 26. It means that 25 has come and gone and honestly, I have no idea what I want my life to look like. I have goals and dreams but for as long as I could remember, I could never picture my life past 25. I have no idea what that means but it kind of freaks me out. So, in two weeks, I'm going to be old. As I think about my life and everything I've done so far, I've accomplished a lot and I'm happy with where I'm headed career wise. Seriously, I cannot even wait to start my internship and my career after that. But I had better hopes for my personal life, I guess. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to be out of my last relationship. It was incredibly unhealthy and NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. I'm sorry that I stayed in it for so long but hindsight is always 20/20. I'll be honest though, I'm ready to settle down. But I'm an introvert and I don't go out and meet new people. It's terrifying .... SO .... if I don't go out and meet new people, how am I supposed to find someone? Ugh. I just thought everything would be different.
So with my birthday coming around the corner, I feel that it's time that maybe I take action. I deserve a great guy and a great guy deserves me. I've already said that I'm not settling and I won't. But is it too much to ask for maybe a date for my birthday? For a couple hours to go out and forget about the chaos that is my life? I'm tired of being stalked and harrassed. I would like to have a couple hours - dinner and a movie with a nice guy. Seriously. We'll see if I get some guts as it gets closer .....

I love Etsy!

I just bought this messenger bag ...

So cute!

And this lunchbag!

And how cute is this ring??

Getting excited!

Ok .. so I've known that I'm heading out of here in December and, for the most part, I'm pretty sad about it. Waco has definitely grown on me and I love everyone that I've met along my way. That doesn't mean that I'll never be back but it does increase the chance of that happening. I've been pretty hesitant about my upcoming move for several reasons with the biggest being my fear of change followed closely a worry that someone can't let go of a past relationship (but that's a story for another day or probably never). I can see God's hand in my journey to this point in my life and, well, He has chosen some pretty odd vehicles along the way. I do trust that He will continue to guide me wherever it is that I'm meant to be. BUT. I'm still worried. I really have a lot of trouble with this whole "let go and let God" philosophy. I mean I love it and I think it's absolutely wonderful but my letting go still involves a whole lot of worry. I'm trying though. I really have started off this new school year with a new frame of mind. I'm trying to reach outside of my comfort zone and grow as a person. I think it would be much easier to do if I wasn't drowning in school work.

Speaking of school work. I'm supposed to writing my intro and rationale to my research project that I will be presenting on in May. I LOVE my topic and am so excited about doing research on it because I know that I will personally benefit from it and I hope that others will too. However, I've been trying to write this thing all day. Turns out my concentration is shot to pieces when I'm sick. I have not felt this bad since April 2007 when I couldn't walk because I was in so much pain. The symptoms seem to change based on the day and I'm not sure what's causing it all. I'm not a doctor. I do know that I have laryngitis. AGAIN. Seriously, it wasn't fun the first time around and I think I proved to everyone my lack of ability to not talk - even when my voice is gone. I had a horrible fever and muscle pain Thursday night and for me to be experiencing muscle pain beyond what I feel on a daily basis is pretty unusual. I was beyond miserable. So I've been sleeping a lot and drinking a ton of peppermint tea. Anyway, I feel that when I'm really sick, I just can't focus. Hence the fact that it's 2:35am and I'm still only 20% done with my assignment. What I have done is:
- swept the floors
- learned the lyrics to MC Young's Bust a Move
- washed dishes
- tried to learn the Crank That dance
- played fetch with Bella
- took pictures of the baby snake outside
- tried on all the coats and jackets in my hall closet

And this last one is why I'm excited. I'm so nervous and hesitant about moving but for some reason trying on the coats and jackets has now made me excited. I have three trench coats - khaki, black, and hot pink (which is my favorite!) and three coats - black, brown, and black/white plaid. I cannot wait to wear these again! Texas does not have the right weather for winter wear and I don't recall really wearing a decent coat this past year. I just love being able to wear coats because that means that it's a brisk fall day with the leaves changing from their normal lush green colors into reds, yellows, oranges, and pinks. I love fall and then winter when it snows and there's a silence that falls on the land that you don't hear unless it's snowing. Amazing. So I guess I'm finally getting excited about my move. Now if only I could convince my friends to move with me ....

What a girl wants ..

I don't know if it's because my birthday is coming up or what it is but I'm ready to settle down and have a family. I don't know why but I've just had really strong feelings lately about what I want. It could also be just that I finally feel like I can move on from my past relationship. I'm still scared about the idea of another relationship just because the last one was so bad. I truly thought that he was a genuinely nice guy but that was definitely not who he was. I know that I've grown and I know what I want in a relationship but I'm still scared to open myself up for someone new. I just feel conflicted right now I guess. I definitely want a family with a husband and kids but I don't feel as though I'm ready to put myself out there. I hate to say it but my next relationship will in some part be paying for the mistakes of my last relationship. My hope though is that my hesitations will just make my next relationship better and stronger. I know this is rambling but oh well these are my thoughts. So yeah, I guess I'm ready to date again ... I deserve a genuinely nice guy and I'm not settling for what I want either.

No Impact Project

Uh oh ... this seems like something totally up my alley. Just a matter of when I can do it. Hmmm.
http://noimpactproject.org/

Thanks for nothing..

So everyone who just happened to drive past the intersection of Bosque and Valley Mills today at about noon and saw a broken down van ... thanks for nothing. 40 minutes in the hot sun and no AC later, Ashley finally saved us. I was amazed by the amount of people that, when the light was red, rolled down their windows to ask if we were having trouble. Nah, we're just airing out the engine. Of course we're having trouble. Why else would we be sitting at the light with the hood up? Out of all the people that drove by only one guy tried to help who looked a lot like the guy from Pirates of the Caribbean. I kept staring trying not to be too obvious. So thank goodness, the Chrysler 300 has the battery in the trunk. This is the second time that Ashley has saved the day ... or I guess attempted since the first one wasn't actually successful. On the plus side, I'm getting great at using jumper cables!

More thoughts..

I just finished watching The Family Stone. It's a romantic movie but it doesn't have the happy ending that you would expect. I think that it's a great movie because it's a good reminder that you don't have to have "the perfect ending", you just need to find the one that's right for you. Sure, a lawyer that makes enough for me to stay home and raise our 6 kids would be awesome but I have to find what's right for me.

I thought more about what I need and, given the craptastic night I had tonight, I think it's important for me to find someone that kind of sets me off balance ... or balances me out, however you want to think about it. I'm an ISFJ on the Meyers-Briggs Type Inventory. I'm actually quite high for the I (Introverted - I'm 78/100). So I need someone who's lower on the I or maybe really low on E (Extroverted). I feel that maybe one of the things that coincides with I is the need to be independent and keep everything inside. I don't want to burden anyone with my problems but I can't keep everything bottled up inside forever, it's not healthy. I need someone who will support me when I'm having a bad day. I don't need to be told that I deserve something or that I need to get thicker skin. It would be great to have someone that listens to me vent and says something like you're right, that guy is a jerk or that stinks, something that validates my feelings. I don't want constant validation .. just when I'm having a crappy day. Sometime it's nice to feel like I'm in the right .. even if I might not be. And sometimes, I really need a hug. It'd be really nice to have a husband who can sense when I need a hug and wraps me in his arms without saying anything.

As Ashley says "System Overload"

Ok, so this may be harsh but I've decided that the only person that I count on right now is myself. It's probably a bad day but I'm really fed up with how things went tonight. They're my problems, I'll deal with them myself and not burden anyone else.

Another year ...

So my last year of graduate starts tomorrow. I'm feeling a mixture of excitement and anxiousness. I can't wait to see where this year takes me but I am already stressing out over all of the work and the research project. I was talking to my mom tonight about the goals that I have set for myself. I feel like I've done a great job so far in following my dreams and achieving them. I started thinking some more about what I want out of life. I really feel like lately I've changed my focus on life and I feel so much better about it. I'm going to start living my life more instead of freaking out and worrying over it like crazy. This includes all aspects - including my non-existant love life but you know what? I am so much better off alone right now than stuck in a relationship with some loser. And I'm learning to stick up for myself more when it comes to relationships. The way I see it, whoever I end up with is going to be so incredibly lucky to have me. So there. Come on, life, show me what you got.

So let's take a look at some goals that I have for my life ...
- get a job at Johns Hopkins Hospital in their cancer center
- become certified in American Sign Language at Gallaudet University in DC
- get a PhD in Clinical Social Work
- visit all 50 states
- see more of the world
- become a homeowner

I'll have to see if I can find the list of goals that I made for myself a couple of years ago.

Now I need to get ready for school tomorrow and figure out where my classes are ... and probably look at the three readings I was supposed to have done.

So many emotions, so little time...

Wow, it's been a really shocking/crazy/hectic/depressing two weeks. So many emotions in such a short period of time, it really is hard to process through everything. I guess I should start back with last week.

I went to Brownsville, Texas with two professors that I am a research assistant for at Baylor University. We're working on a Hispanic Active Relationships Program grant that does marriage education classes. Brownsville is the second poorest city in the nation and evidence of this was all over the town. I feel as though my time at Baylor has been a life changing one for me. I look at the world through a different set of eyes now. I couldn't help but be affected by all that I was seeing. How can so many people live in such poverty while nothing is done to help? I wondered about resources available to the residents in Brownsville. It just pulled at my heart so much and I can definitely see myself working in the nonprofit community organization sector for a career (this was further reinforced by this morning's shoe shopping made possible by the Meyer's Center). I wish life came with a manual!

This week has been super hard for me. My grandfather, Bruce C. Lane, died on Tuesday.


My grandpa was a wonderful man with so many great stories. I was fortunate to be one of the few with whom he shared his experiences in the Army and WWII. I loved looking through his photo album and hearing him tell me stories not because I love history (although I do!) but because this was my grandfather and it was his life. When you become a grandparent, you've already had experiences as a child and parent and I think people forget to share those with their grandchildren. It was such a special thing for me to be able to have that connection with him. It's been rough and I'm going to miss him dearly.

Best Wishes, Melissa and John!

Last night, my friend, Melissa, got married. It was a beautiful wedding. John's dad was the minister and gave such a wonderful sermon and even choked up a little bit. The reception was a lot of fun too. I love going to weddings and just getting tons of ideas for my own .... some day!! I should be a pro by the time mine rolls around :-) But I really do think about what my life will be like down the road. A couple of months ago, I got out of an unhealthy relationship. They say hindsight is 20/20 and, yes, looking back there were several red flags that I should have seen early on but I refuse to sit around and think what if? I can admit that I was hurt but on the bright side, I have really thought about what I am looking for in a relationship. We tell the women at work to set standards and not to settle, so why shouldn't I? I don't think that I'm ready to date right now but when I am ....

I want:
- a man who will accept me - hopes and fears and everything - without judging.
- a man who is supportive of me and my dreams.
- a man who will kiss me goodbye in the mornings and hello in the evenings.
- a man who will sit around and do absolutely nothing with me and still have a good time.
- a man who will kill all the bugs and check on the things that go bump in the night.
- a man who can't wait to introduce me to his family.
- a man who loves kids and kids love him.
- a man with goals and aspirations of his own.
- a man who wants to raise a family in the church and realizes the importance of faith.
- a man that I can have deep conversations with and not argue over trivial things.
- a man that when I feel sick and awful can still look at me in a way that makes me feel sexy.
- a man that doesn't need reminders for special days.
- a man that will treat me like his equal and the love of his life.
- a man who understands the importance of family dinners.

And when I do find that special someone, I've got some great date ideas! Ha! Ashley and I were thinking about random things the other day and came up with these ...

1) sunset at Lake Waco with Sonic drinks
2) kayaking on the Bosque River
3) bike ride
4) walking the riverwalk at sunset
5) Practically Pikasso

And Ashley and I aren't waiting for any guys to come along for these dates! We're going to try them out ... taking our dogs to the lake to play and about to start bike riding all over Waco!

Days like these make me love my job...

Ok, so tonight at work, I decided to give out some stuffed animals to all of the kids. They went crazy over them. It was great to see them all happy. About an hour later, one of the girls comes up and asks for a high five (see post before .. I'm not a hugger) and thanks me for the stuffed animal. She was the only one to thank me. It's not that I wanted to be thanked but it's always nice to see the kids exercise polite manners. So I went and found her mother and let her know that out of all the shelter kids, her daughter was the only one to thank me. The mom then told me that she needed to speak with me. We walked out of the office and she told me that she appreciated everything that I did. She said that I'm always radiant, have a smile on my face, and am positive. She said that I'm the one person that her kids are always talking about and that she is just really glad that I'm there. She said that I need to do this for a living (which I assured her I was) because I have "it". She then told me not to have kids because she apparently doesn't want me missing work. Ha!

Side note: This is written on my new pair of TOMS which I love!!

If the world was a village of 100 people:

- 1 has AIDS

- 3 are slaves

- 14 are illiterate

- 2o are malnourished

- 23 drink polluted water

- 25 have no shelter

- 30 are unemployed

- 33 have no electricity

- 40 have no shoes

- 43 live on less than $2 a day

- 48 have no sanitation

- 58 have parasites

Just something to think about!

Respect my bubble!

Pretty short post here but I need to rant. Ugh, I hate to be touched. Seriously. At work, when the kids run and try to hug me, I quickly tell them that I'm a high-fiver and not a hugger. I don't mind hugging little kids that I'm watching or my nephews or my mom or Mandy but my list of people I hug is really short. I just like my space and don't like it being violated ... MUCHLESS BY COWORKERS! Oh yes, yours truly got a back rub/pat today from a person at work. This person has already been informed that I do not like to be touched but she did it again today! I need to start working on how to handle this. I just don't think it's right for people to think it's okay to touch people in a workplace setting and I don't think it's okay for people to say oh, so and so's harmless or doesn't mean anything by it. It's inappropriate. PERIOD.

trying to let go and let God...

Ok, so yesterday I got an email from Johns Hopkins about my upcoming internship there (yes, I am interning at THE Johns Hopkins Hospital!!) and whoa did I ever get information overload. I decided to just close the email and go back to it later because I do not need to start worrying about it now. That didn't work. I got an email today from my research professor this fall saying he wants us to get a headstart on our research projects. The same research projects that we have to present to the community in May and basically determine whether or not we graduate. Yikes! So of course I haven't begun to think about the research project because that's completely overwhelming in itself. I sat down tonight and read through the email again and sent off a ton of questions.

I know that I wanted to come back to graduate school and I really want to be a social worker but oh my goodness is this ever stressful beyond belief. I don't know how people do this and not freak out. I'm trying not to but it really is hard. I think the whole problem is that I have always been the type to just take the backseat. I stress out way too easily over things so I have always tended to avoid the "hard" things. I've been thinking about this for awhile now. I really need to stop sitting on the sidelines and letting life pass me by because it's stressful or too much change. Johns Hopkins is a once in a lifetime opportunity that I really can't pass up so I need to suck it up and do whatever it takes to make this happen. I really need to start living my life instead of watching it pass me by.

I used to blog a couple of years ago but it was pretty random things. I'm kind of hoping that this time around I'll be able to try and figure out where I am going with my life. A lot of things have been happening to me lately and I haven't taken the time to reflect on them. I can't say that 2009 has been a particularly good year so far. It's definitely been a rollercoaster ride, that's for sure. It's had some pretty phenomenal highs (Johns Hopkins!!) and some pretty rough lows. But even with all of that going on, I feel like I'm slowly rediscovering who I am and what I want out of life. This time, I'm not settling for anything less. So let's see where this road leads me ....