Playlist

First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

Competitive Running

I bought a book yesterday that is the women's complete book of running. I can't remember the specific title but that comes close enough. I've read a lot of it so far which is a nice break from studying ethics, Erickson, DSM-IV-TR diagnoses, and other random stuff.

I'm psyched about running and cannot wait to move. I've already looked up running clubs in the area. Currently, I'm having to enjoy running from the sidelines as I got my first running injury while I was in Florida. I think it's a stress fracture in my foot but I can't confirm because that would require a trip to the doctor. So I'm taking the rest of the month off.

But come August 2, it's on. I start my first training program to get ready for a half marathon. Totally psyched! I hope to eventually do a whole marathon but that's for down the road.

And I can't wait to go get my next pair of running shoes. So excited!

Dreams & Zombies

It's 1 pm and I just got up for the day. I attribute this to a couple of factors ... well, two factors. The first being that I'm in this huge house all alone (without furniture even) and I have a very over active imagination. There aren't working lights in two of the front rooms yet which really creeped me out the first night I was here. At night, in places that I'm unfamiliar with, I like to have lights on in all the rooms except the bedrooms/bathrooms until I go to bed. I just think it makes me feel more prepared for whatever is out there. I have stayed away from scary shows/horror movies while I've been here because I don't need any help scaring myself any. So I have stayed up late at night trying to put off going to bed since that means all of the lights will be turned off. I also stay up late whenever I'm stressed out/don't like my job in an attempt to put off the next day coming. However, this time, it's definitely being in a new place alone. It'd be fine if they had curtains or working lights. Some of my thoughts have been along the lines of what if zombies suddenly started pounding on the door? What if Zeus suddenly turned into the dog from I am Legend? What if there really is someone standing in the shadows? I've decided I would probably make an excellent writer if I actually had the attention span to match.

So I went to bed at 1am last night only to be promptly woken up at 6am by Zeus. Had I gone to bed at a decent hour, this would not have been a problem ... also if I had not been having such cool dreams, this would not have been a problem. I find that this factor plays a whole lot into my sleeping late. When I first wake up, I remember what I was dreaming about and usually it's pretty awesome - so awesome, in fact, that I then go back to sleep. I usually don't remember what it was that I was dreaming about later that day but they're usually better than some movies. I know that last night I was traveling somewhere with three friends and it was so vivid with checking in and taking an airport shuttle. I need to turn my awake life into as much of an adventure as my dream life appears to be.

Watermelon Run 5K

I'm currently in Winter Park, Florida, a tiny little town on the outskirts of Orlando. I'm dogsitting for a family that I know and will be here a total of 11 days. When I got here, the mom let me know that there was going to be a 5K on July 4th. She and I run together when she's back in Baton Rouge and I will be returning here in February to compete in a half marathon. I figured why not? I need practice and don't really have anything else to do.

Oh gosh, Florida humidity + race = brutal. Parts of me that I didn't know sweat were sweating. It was nasty. My time was 34:57 which isn't my best time but I finished! And I finished in both the top third and was one of the first 3000 people to cross the finish line so I got a nice little souvenir cup.

There are parts of this race that I liked a lot better than the Race for the Cure in Waco.

1) Pace signs - All of us got to run according to what pace we could do. This really helped out with the start of the race as the people with 10+ pace and walkers were to line up in the back so I didn't have to dodge them. However, it also seems some people were a little too confident in their pace but at least it wasn't a lot of them.

2) Time clocks - At the 1, 2, and 3 mile marks, they had time clocks up so you could see how you were doing. The only downside to this is that not all of us started at 0:00:00 seeing as how the start corral was pretty deep. It helped to know that I started around the 1 minute mark.

3) Star Spangled Banner - A trumpeter came out to play this before the race and I realized that we don't hear this song enough ... especially on the 4th of July. Francis Scott Key really captured the fight in Americans' hearts to be independent and free.

4) Watermelon - oh gosh, out of everything at the end of the race that they had to help hydrate us, the watermelon was by far the best. It's 92% water. I think this should be an option at the end of all races.

There were also things I didn't like ...

1) No warm up - Now I didn't like that there wasn't an organized warm up like Race for the Cure had. Granted, these were all pretty serious runners and we all warmed up on our own. I just think that a group warm up would have helped pass the time.

2) Tshirts - Both races had race tshirts but I learned on this one that you don't have to wear it to the race. And if I do another hot race like this, it's time to put aside my modesty and just run in a sports bra and shorts. I haven't run in a tshirt since Race for the Cure and have been fine in a tank top but I was dying out there. The only downside would be I need something to wipe my face.

3) Running alone - I mentioned this before but it's still true. I would much rather have someone there with me although now it doesn't have to be someone running. There were over 3000 runners there today .... aka strangers. Before the race, I was starting to get really anxious about this and knew that if it didn't get better, I would have gone back to the car and left. I think if someone had been there with me and we were chatting, it would have been much better.

But I finished and survived and had a really strong finish - a faster pace from 2.8 on and then sprinting the last tenth. Gotta finish strong. And now I'm off for a pedicure and some self care before Zeus and I head out to the lake tonight to watch some fireworks :-)

New Blog

As much as I have tried to avoid it, I have finally given in and started a second blog ... but for good reasons. I know I'll sound like a huge dork when I say this but I love making hats. My family is full of really creative women who seem to excel in everything ... unlike me who seems to struggle with everything that I attempt. I was so glad to move away from Baton Rouge because people I meet would not know who my mother or sisters are and I wouldn't hear comments like "do you make your own clothes, too?" or "you've got such a talented family, what do you do?" Um, nothing. I burn almost everything I cook and I can't sew a stitch to save my life. While I have started to decorate cupcakes, the level of talent still pales in comparison to that of my sisters and mother.

However, all of this changed my last semester in undergrad. I took Hatmaking (yes, it's a real class for college credit). I loved it and loved making the different hats. But time got away from me and I didn't get to pursue it like I planned. This past November, my oldest sister told me that she was having a tea held in her honor and everyone needed hats and she wanted to make one for it. She asked ME to teach HER. And then my MOTHER asked ME too! So I came home for Thanksgiving and taught them how to make hats and in the process made another one for a friend of mine. I loved how it turned out and ordered several additional hoods so that I can make some more. Granted, I don't need a bajillion hats so I'm going to start making them as presents and selling them. I just love the creative outlet that this provides. I'm almost done with a cloche for a girl I used to nanny and have another idea to start after I finish that one.

Anyway, if you want to follow that one ... http://capsbykiki.blogspot.com/

:-)

It's been a long time ...

As I go about my days now, things will happen that I think I should blog about and then I never get around to doing. Right now, I feel like my life is on hold while the real world is flying by me. I've been home for one month and am still unemployed/homeless. This isn't for lack of trying either. I have repeatedly applied for positions but that darn license is holding me up. I mailed in my application to take the exam FOUR weeks ago and still haven't heard from them. This is getting increasingly frustrating. On top of that, I was called about one of the positions that I applied for in Austin. I was so psyched about this job. They wanted to interview me so I passed all of their minimum qualifications and had the preferred experience (my specialization sure is coming in handy). So I called the lady back and first question was do I have my license? I explained that I was in the process. She said to call her when I had it and we would set up the interview. That was almost two weeks ago. How long are they willing to wait? Ugh. I am so ready to have my own place again - to live alone again - and have ALL of my clothes! I am so tired of living out of two suitcases which I've been doing since December. This has gotten old. I'm ready to settle down.

At least something has been occupying my time this week. JURY DUTY. Let me tell you - it is the most boring experience of my life. I have spent two days sitting around and waiting. The only thing that was said to us today was that we could go to lunch for an hour and then we had to be back at 10am. That's it - no update on the status of anything. We're left in the dark not knowing. I think I'd rather get a root canal - at least Dr. Scotty tells me every step he's making. However, I have decided that the one good thing about this is that I have now eaten at Poor Boy Lloyd's two days in a row. I have missed Louisiana cooking so much. Their crawfish poboy can almost make jury duty worth it. I'm crossing my fingers that I don't get picked for the jury though. I try so hard to not judge people and this goes against everything. I don't believe that it's our place to pass judgment on others. If I do get selected - I hope it's for something minor and not a murder. Louisiana has the death penalty, and I'm not okay with that.

This past weekend, my parents and I drove down to Meraux, LA to help my sister and her fiance paint their house. He's been rebuilding it for the past five years. Meraux was hit hard by Hurricane Katrina and everything was destroyed in the floods. Homeowner's insurance protects against floods - not hurricanes - so people were left with nothing. The sense of community in South Louisiana is amazing. People have slowly been rebuilding their lives as they can. It's their home and they're not going anywhere. So my mom and I decided to have fun with the painting. We took a trip to the local goodwill to pick up some painting clothes for us and my sister....

My life's playlist

"Come Back to Me" - David Cook

You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me I'll wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and I'll let you go, I'll set your free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't face you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me
Come back to me

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

You find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me

Really?

Earlier today if you would have asked me, I would have told you that I was genuinely happy with my life and where I'm headed. However, if you were to ask me right now, I think I would just answer that life sucks. I'm still excited to see where my life leads me, I'm just a little/maybe more than a little on the downside.

You see, tonight was my second date with the stranger. We started off with dinner at Baris, then watched Date Night, and then went back to his place to chat. It turned out to be simultaneously the best and worst date of my life. Oh gosh, how much I like this guy is ridiculous. We just click - never struggling to find anything to talk about ranging from which Star Trek series was the best to neighborhood revitalization, talking non stop at points and then enjoying the silence while looking at each other pondering what the other is thinking and then asking about thoughts and launching into a whole new conversation, feeling completely at ease in each other's presence. You know, just clicking. I am so comfortable around him and have even found a whole new side of me whenever I'm with him - assertive and confident and completely open and honest and 100% myself. It's liberating and freeing. I have told him how much I enjoy his company and how I find it impossible not to smile around him. He returned the sentiments. There is obvious chemistry between us.

You're probably wondering how what seems to have been such at amazing date night could also be the worst. Our lives aren't matching up at this point. I'm leaving Waco on Sunday unsure of when I will return. His funding for grad school has run out. At present, he is staying in Waco and working but possibly looking into UT Austin to finish his degree. So while one might point out that Austin is where I'm planning on living and would work if he gets into UT Austin, who knows when/if that will be. And he also used that dreaded phrase tonight "need time" to figure things out. I genuinely believe him when he says that he has had a great time hanging out with me and getting to know me. There are other reasons behind the "need time" that are not mine to divulge and which I can respect. It just sucks that I meet this amazing guy that I click with and can't wait to see and feel like time passes too quickly when we're together to only find out that everything is coming to a screeching pause (I refuse to say halt because I have some hope that I will hear from him again after "time"). Life just sucks like that. It's not easy.

So pardon me if I decide to hide under this rain cloud for awhile.

Coffee

Hmm, I had my coffee date today with the stranger. I've called my friend, Brianna, and my mom to tell them about it but I find that I struggle to find the right words to express how it went. It was amazing. It was wonderful. We had such great conversations. And, seriously, the all time best part? Definitely when he told me that one of his childhood fears was sharks in the deep end of swimming pools. I looked at him and told him that I could have hugged him right then and there. I have NEVER met anyone else who has had that fear. Granted, I still have it but it was refreshing to meet someone else who has had it.

And .... I have another date next week :-)

Stranger Danger! Revisited...

A little over a week ago, I wrote how I felt that my avoidance of strangers and social situations was limiting my life. Well, I'm here to tell you that I have really tried to work on that with some surprising results (both good AND bad).

Let's start off with the avoidance of social situations ....

My friend, Ashley, is very kindly letting me stay with her while I wrap up school. I am SOO fortunate to have friends like her ... especially since she knows how I am and makes me partake in social gatherings. She brought me to Zumba and her soccer practice and I've actually had fun.

Then this past week, I went kayaking with Brianna, Marissa, and Patty. I had such a blast with them and am so thankful that Bri didn't fall into the Brazos River. My arms actually weren't that bad the next day. I just wish we had done it sooner.

This past Friday was Katie's Bachelorette Party up in Ft. Worth at the 8.0 Bar. It was a cute little place. We sat outside and chatted with each other waiting for the 80s band to start. I had a ton of fun. I just wish I had worn more comfortable shoes! I also rode up there and back with a girl that I knew through friends and ... a stranger. I had never met the driver before but she was cool and we had some pretty cool conversations. I'll admit I fell asleep on the ride back home so I kinda missed out on the chatting then.

Now apparently something happened over the weekend. On Saturday, I went down to Austin to see my friend, Lisa, for some quality girl time and her birthday. We went bowling with some of her friends and then out to a bar in Weir, Texas (pop. 631). Now, for those of you that know me know that I don't drink, so I really have no good explanation for the picture below except that somewhere during the course of the day my avoidance of social situations and strangers flew out the door. Oh yes, this is a picture of me dancing in an empty bar by myself.

But oh does this get better. During the course of our night at the bar, a certain drunkard at the bar (okay, so there were 3 other people there besides the 6 of us) decided he wanted to dance with us. He first danced with Lisa and that's when we realized he had peed his pants. After he finished dancing with Lisa, he went back to his table and we thought that was the end of it. OH NO .... he came back at which point we were all trying to hide behind each other. I was hiding behind Lisa when he came towards her and she ran off leaving me by myself! He grabbed my hands and started dancing with me. All I could think was to make sure I avoided his pee pants. Then at the end, he grabbed me and shouted for someone to take a picture. I'm pretty sure the look on my face says it all. I don't like strangers and I don't like to be touched.

But there has been some good that has come from talking to strangers. Thursday night at the family dinner, I met Stranger. Yes, I'm calling him Stranger because the first thing I said to him was "I'm sorry, I'm not avoiding you completely on purpose, I just don't talk to strangers". Yes, yes, I did say that. Surprisingly, he answered that he didn't talk to them either. What? Can it be? Are there more people out there like me? There was some chit chat about Meyers Briggs Type Inventories (can you tell we're in social work??) and some other lovely chit chat. It's a good story. Really. Maybe one day I'll share it with you. The end of the story results in me having a date with Stranger next week ... or I guess this week. He's also asked if it would be okay with me if he came to my Colloquium. I smiled a lot that night and the next day. I'm super excited.

First Race

Today was my first 5K. I didn't get up early enough for the group warm up before hand but did get out there on time for the race.

I have learned next time ....

register for the timed race instead of untimed - it was so aggravating when the race started to try and weave my way through the walkers trying to get to the front to run. And then there were three boys probably no older than 12 or 13 that thought it was really funny to run in front of the people running and then stop. They did this to me and I almost fell onto the two little ones but had to side step in between them and ended up knocking into the third. I was not happy with them at all.

show up super early - the line for the timed runners to pick up their chips was incredibly long. I'll need to make sure that I do show up early next time so that I don't have to wait as long.

have someone there to cheer me on/run with - this one is merely preference. I think I would be more motivated to keep running if I know that somewhere along the route is going to be someone I know. This would also work if I had someone to run with.

don't schedule anything to do right after - immense hunger set in about three hours after the race. And the exhaustion. I took a 2 1/2 hour nap and still feel drained.

for longer races, schedule a massage - my legs were so sore and walking helps but after rest, they're stiff again. It would be so nice to have someone work out the kinks for me.

So the race itself was pretty good. I have mixed feelings about not knowing the route before I ran. I like the fact that I didn't know where the turning point but I think that could go against me too. I started off running and once I got past the walkers, I kept up a pretty good pace. I got to a point where very few people were passing me but I was still passing others. And I was determined to not walk at all. The last part was running across the Waco Suspension Bridge. I thought that it was going to be fun. I had never been across it before and then the moment I started across it, it wasn't fun anymore. There was a strong crosswind that made it difficult to run. I finished by sprinting the very, very last part. It felt good. I finished in 30:15 with an average pace of 9:26 which is just awesome.

I'm psyched about my next race :-)

Stranger Danger!

So I've been thinking a little bit today ... I didn't have my iPod with me when I ran so I thought for 2.31 miles.

Mostly about my aversion to social situations.

And how I keep thinking Stranger Danger! when put in situations where I don't know anyone.

I'm not sure that people quite understand how bad this is. I don't go anywhere alone, and I won't go places where I won't know anyone. I have driven up to places before, parked my car, thought about going in, and then driven away again. It's bad. Last year at the SW Family Dinner, I didn't know anyone at my table. I left. Seriously people, it's that bad. I hate to admit it but I have also passed on hanging out with friends if I know that I am going to have to walk into a room full of people alone. I really need to work on this, I know I do.

So then I started thinking about my lack of a love life. This resulted in several amusing conversations today. Just in case you heard ... no, I'm not really looking for a sugardaddy. I think the fact that I don't talk to strangers and won't go to places where I don't know people or where I have to show up alone is quite a hindrance. Thinking back the last five guys I have dated were all guys that worked at the same place I did. Obviously it worked out well .... not. Maybe I need to actually start going out with friends and be more willing to talk to strangers ... and I mean strangers in the sense of people that my friends know.

I was told today that I'm mysterious in my blogs. I don't mean to be and it's not that I want to sound all secretive. I think it's best for the person that I'm talking about's privacy to not say their name. This mainly pertains to children and if I happen to be dating anyone. When things get serious, I'll definitely say their name but, until then, I think nicknames will do. And if you really want to know, ask. I'm seriously not keeping any secrets and most likely have no idea that I come across that way.

Speaking of, I have been keeping up a correspondence with a certain Mr. Darcy (yes, Patty, I totally stole the name from Pride and Prejudice). I like to call him my pen pal because essentially that is what we are. We've been writing back and forth since the beginning of February and I have to say, I really enjoy it. I think the art of letter writing as been lost so this is nice and refreshing. I feel very old school.

Tomorrow is my first 5K. You might be thinking this is a sudden random change of topic but it's not. Not only does my first 5K mean that I am having to run early in the morning but I have to run with tons of other people. STRANGERS. Normally, this wouldn't be too bad but I have to sign in at the registration table. I have to walk around the strangers and possibly talk to them. Awkward. I'll be honest, it wouldn't be the end of the world if I just happened to sleep through my alarm. But I need to go. I need to get out of my comfort zone and do this. Mainly because of graduation on May 16th. I don't know who else is going to the main ceremony but it's going to be a lot of strangers in a confined space. STRANGERS + CLAUSTROPHOBIA = ANXIETY ATTACK. Uh oh.

Home is where the heart is??

I have wrapped up my time up north and find myself back in Waco for the next month getting ready for graduation and the dreaded licensing exam. I thoroughly enjoyed my internship and am desperately hoping for a job at Hopkins.

In other news, since coming back to Waco, I have heard the same two comments repeatedly, one - "What are your plans after you graduate?" and two - "Welcome home!". These have got me thinking and I don't know that I like the feelings the illicit.

I don't know what my plans are after I graduate. Currently, I'm unemployed and therefore will be heading back to my parents' house in Baton Rouge. This response usually results in a follow up question of where am I applying for a job. Everywhere. I don't have any geographic ties or any reason to go or stay somewhere. That might be liberating for some but it's getting old. Since I graduated undergrad, I have lived in six different cities in five different states. I like to think that I was born under a wandering star but I'm starting to get to the point where I wouldn't mind settling down. I just have no idea where that place is.

And then the subject of home. I don't know where home is anymore. It's not in Baton Rouge anymore. At some point that transitioned to the town that I grew up in or my parents' home - not mine. I don't feel like Waco is home anymore or Catonsville where I just was. I don't feel like I have a home. I might sound like I'm having a pity party of one but it's really something that I've been thinking about lately. I don't know where my life is headed or where "home" is. My stuff has been in storage over the past five years longer than it's been out. I've only had my name on a lease for 16 months out of 60 months. And I meet DHHS's definition of homeless. That's crazy.

I'm ready to find a job and settle down.

Things I miss from Louisiana ..

- Snowcones

- Crawfish!

- The Chimes

- Tsunami

- Beignets

- Bella Donna Day Spa

Oh and these folks ...

Things are starting to look better

This morning I actually woke up before my alarm went off. I used to do this back before grad school when I had somewhat of a routine schedule.

But this morning ... well it felt different. I felt different. I have always struggled with thinking of myself as a grown up but, for some reason, this morning, I felt older. That still wasn't it though, something was still different.

I went to work and ran around meeting with clients and trying not to think about all the work I had to get done outside of work. Then I checked my email and got an email that just made my day, my semester, made all these sleepless nights and emotional days worth it. I know people want to know what it said but I'm conflicted about sharing because I feel as though I'd be bragging and that's not right because I don't have the right to brag. I'm no different than anyone else. So right now, I'm just honored.

I had a Social Work Appreciation Tea today. March was National Social Work month. Our VP of Human Relations has her Masters in Social Work and has a tea at her condo every year in appreciation of all that we do. I didn't want to go. I hate going to functions alone and avoid them as much as possible. My supervisor told me that I should go. She said she was going so I said okay. Then today she told me she wasn't. Everyone else I talked to said they weren't going but the Director of Oncology sent out a page and an email saying we needed to make sure we went. So I drove out there ... by myself. And I walked into a condo where I didn't know ANYONE. In any other situation, I probably would have driven away as soon as I got there but I didn't this time. I was so uncomfortable; I wanted to leave. But I stayed. The VP came up and introduced herself to me. We started chatting and I stayed for about 20 minutes. When I left, I found her and thanked her for the tea. She asked what I was up to and I told her where I had applied for a job. She asked if she could do anything and I jokingly said that if she knew them, that'd be great. She said for me to leave my name with her because she's friends with the president of the board. So I think that everything happens for a reason. I would never have stayed at the tea but now I'm thinking maybe I was meant to ... I guess we'll see.

Don't like to use the word "hate" but ...

I HATE research. HATE.

Don't get me wrong here. I can appreciate research and all the advances that are a result of it. I hate doing it myself. It's not my thing. Let me interact with people and talk to them and help them. Don't make me write papers using words like methodology, qualitative analysis, and data collection. This has been such a struggle for me. And the scary part is I told my sister tonight that I only have five weeks of school left and am at the point where I'm thinking "why bother". This is not good. She has her Master's in Experimental Statistics so she knows what I'm going through. She said the last semester really does suck and it gets hard and you don't want to continue but it's manageable. She always knows what to say to make me feel better.

She's my best friend. We're alike in so many ways. We shared a bedroom growing up so it's hard being so far away now. I miss her. My favorite thing is that no matter how old we get, we can revert back to childlike antics easily. And we're always there for each other. After she got married, her husband went out of town for the weekend. She called me at 11 pm, asking me to spend the night and bring ice cream :-)

Ok, time to get back to research.

I did it

I applied for my first real social work job. I mean I've had internships and got hired on at the Family Abuse Center but this will be my first real I'm-an-MSW-(hopefully, LMSW)-actually-earning-a-salary job.

It's a little exciting. I hope I hear from them. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I really do hope this first one contacts me. I'll be applying for more tomorrow and this weekend.

I've also decided not to post where I'm applying. And I don't want to know where my friends are applying. I want to know where they get a job but not where they're applying. I'm the type of person that wouldn't apply for a position no matter how much I want it if I know my friend is applying. And I hope my friends can understand my reasoning behind this.

So fingers crossed!

I so needed Saturday

This past weekend, I went to Philadelphia for a conference. I decided that on Saturday after the conference, I would spend the remainder of the day practicing some much needed self care with one of my all time favorite activities - sight seeing and history. So I started the day off with trying to find a Starbucks (I also decided to completely indulge myself) before I went to the conference.

Betsy Ross' House

I happened to find one downtown that just so happened to be across the street from Betsy Ross's house. How cool that the history of the city is so integrated in its everyday happenings. I am a history junkie. I decided right then and there that I could definitely live in that city just because of the history factor. After the conference (which was in a way sketch part of town), I headed back downtown and hopped on a double decker bus tour. I really think that's the best way to learn some fun facts about the city. We saw SOOO much.

Eastern State Penitentiary

One of the sights that we saw was the Eastern State Penitentiary. Wow, that is the most intense scary looking prison I have ever seen in my life. The purpose was to cut people off from the outside world and force them to serve their sentences in solitude. I was starting to feel bad for them until I learned that when Al Capone was there, he had an Asian rug in his cell, had a private chef, and weekly visits from his "manicurist" (that's how the tour guide said it and I'm sure there are a lot of things that could be substituted there but I don't know which is right ...).

Rocky!

And of course a big highlight was the Museum of Modern Art where we got to see this statue of Rocky. I learned that the steps that he ran up are actually towards the exit of the museum. The front of the museum only has seven steps.

After the bus tour, I went walking around the city for several hours. I actually talked to strangers and got them to take some pictures of me. And along the way I realized that I have an obsession.

People have probably heard me before mention that I like history and love historical markers. I like to pull over when I'm driving so I can read them. No lie, there are probably 20 pictures of historical markers from walking around the city. I had to take pictures so that I could have reminders about everything I was learning. I would even walk out of my way in order to read what they had to say. Although a lot of Philadelphia's talked about who was born in the city. I prefer the ones that talk about what happened in that spot.

At the end of my trekking, I went and saw the Liberty Bell. No lie, the state Pennsylvania is misspelled on there. I never knew that. And then I hiked out to Jim's Cheesesteaks and stood in line for an hour and a half so that I could try one of these infamous sandwiches. I trekked back out to Independence Hall and had a picnic dinner surrounded by history that shaped this country. And then I was back in my hotel room at 7:30 pm, took a nap, watched some tv, and then slept. I didn't think about school work or research or internship. I got to relax. It was great.

On Sunday, I took a leisurely drive back home and took a detour through Delaware so that I could grab brunch out there. Granted, I ended up eating at a Dunkin Donuts but, still, I went to Delaware :-)

I was so not ready for this week to start.

One of those days.

I cried on the way home from work today. I needed to. It was a rough day and a rough week.

I saw my first dead body today. He looked so peaceful and frail. I found out though in the room that I have a weird fear (which before I say it, I would like to point out that I'm not the only one - R said he had it too!). I suddenly worried that he was going to sit up and open his eyes .. almost zombie like. I found out later that dead people can have muscle spasms and even possibly take a breath. Freaky. R said he would probably yelp if that happened to him.

I got in a heated argument with my supervisor. I hate confrontation. I avoid it. But I was told that if I didn't speak up then the next intern she got would be treated the same way. I said that by now I would have hoped that I had proven that I'm a detail oriented person who is capable of getting her work done and that I think she could trust me a little more. She said that she doesn't trust anyone and that these were our patients' lives that we were dealing with. I took offense to that and stated that I was aware that these were lives we were working with and I would NEVER do anything that would jeopardize their health which I thought I had already demonstrated when I found out that a nurse hadn't discharged my client with the necessary medications. She went on to say that she hovered and that wasn't going to change. I said that I felt like she was treating me like I was incompetent. She said that she didn't think I was incompetent and that couldn't I see that because she praised me a lot to which I responded that yes, she praised me and I appreciated that but I was just asking for three more feet on the leash. End of story - she said it wasn't going to change. Great....

There was a lot of death, pain, and sadness on the unit this week. It just wears on you. I love that I am there for these families but I grieve for all the ripple losses that they'll experience after their loved one dies.

I'm so ready for a change. I'm heading to Philly this weekend. I need to get away.

A blessing for my friends ...

I wish you not a path devoid of clouds, nor a life on a bed of roses,

Not that you might never need regret, nor that you should never feel pain.

No, that is not my wish for you.

My wish for you is:

That you might be brave in times of trial, when others lay crosses upon your shoulders.

When mountains must be climbed and chasms are to be crossed; when hope scarce can shine through.

That every gift God gave you might grow along with you. And let you give the gift of joy to all who care for you.

That you may always have a friend who is worth that name. Whom you can trust, and who helps you in times of sadness. Who will defy the storms of daily life at your side.

One more wish I have for you:

That in every hour of joy and pain you may feel God close to you.

This is my wish for you, and for all who care for you.

This is my hope for you, now and forever.

I really need to sleep ...

A lot of thoughts have been going through my mind lately. I have friends who have blogs and one of them is so amazingly eloquent and insightful, I'm highly jealous. But I realize that I have things that I need to get out of my head and written down. Maybe it'll be eloquent and maybe it won't make any sense at all. But tonight is not the night to start. I need to go to sleep so I can get to work early.

Anywho, in posts to come I hope to be able to work out my rambling thoughts on ...

- agapé love

- homelessness (including my new friend, Jimmy)

- the future

- striving to live a life as God's instrument

- really figuring out what I'm being called to do

But those will have to wait ...

Oh, boy...

Starting to wonder if now is when I should start panicking.

Stupid research, capstone, colloquium, and case presentation.

I'm going to go for a long run tomorrow and see if it helps.

Random Bits

I have absolutely no motivation to be working on my research project right now so why not blog ...

This past weekend, I got a phone call from I ..... at 2am. I actually happened to be awake because J and K had just gotten home and they didn't have a key. He was crying/sobbing so hard on the phone. What he said is not important. I tried to be as supportive as possible but I hadn't heard from him in a while or seen him in over a month. He has some issues he needs to work through and I feel bad for him and can't even imagine what he must be feeling or going through. He's proof that even if you've made it to this country and succeeded, it doesn't mean that you've put everything behind you. And as selfish as it might sound, I can't get involved. I'm leaving in a month anyway. I wish him the best and hope he finds what he's looking for.

Growing up, I can only remember my parents arguing once over who was taking my sister to the dentist. All of us kids cried and waited in the bathroom for it to end. I was terrified that my parents were going to get a divorce. After all, they had never argued before. What I realize now is that my parents have an absolutely wonderful marriage. They are truly each other's best friend and are more in love with each other after 35 years of marriage than they were on their wedding day. This is the kind of marriage I want to have. I can remember in past relationships when there were arguments I just thought it was all part of being involved with someone. This isn't right. I don't know where I got that idea but am glad to have grown to realize that no one deserves that in a relationship. I know that there's a great guy out there that is just for me and we won't spend our lifetime together fighting.

I know this was random but it's been on my mind. Hopefully I've now gotten this out of my system.

So I gave in ...

Hmm, I really need to work on keep my resolutions.

Anyway, K and I went to Marshall's yesterday because she wanted to find a dress for a dance she was going to last night. Um, why have I not shopped at Marshall's more often? Well, besides the fact that I'm on a fashion diet. There were so many amazing dresses there. And I did manage to justify one of my two purchases. I have a dress that I can wear on an interview now (which means I can put off buying a suit for now). I got this Calvin Klein dress:

It was originally $128. I paid ..... $50. And I can dress it up with a fun pair of heels .... like my blue alligator Nine West pumps with the sheer black bows that I got for $15 a couple of years ago. I love discount shopping ..

Self Care

My research project has pretty much been freaking me out and causing me to have anxiety attacks. Not cool at all. The need for self care has increased. I thought that everything was already figured out given the sobriety of my internship but apparently not. So this week I started running.

I love running. I love the high that you get when you just finished running a distance you didn't think possible or the good kind of soreness you feel afterward. I love being out alone with my thoughts and some good running music. In April 2007, I had quite a health scare where I honestly thought that my days of being able to even walk were numbered. The pain and frustration that I experienced cannot be verbalized. I've slowly been recovering and despite my doctor's orders to give up running, I can't. I love it too much. I don't know if I'm putting myself on a fast track to new hips/knees/whatever but I can't have someone tell me I can't do something that I want to anymore. Now granted, I'm not being stupid and taking it easy. Today was day 3 and is my endurance running day. K joined me and we went for 45 minutes of nonstop running followed by a 15 minute cool down. I didn't really break a sweat and was never out of breath. It didn't even feel like a workout. But it felt good. I loved being able to run for that long.

Last night, I met up with a social work intern from the hospital for dinner. I felt so bad because I thought it was a group of us and when I got stuck at work talking to a patient, I didn't think too much about being late cause I thought I was meeting up with a group. Oops. So we ate at Pazo and then RA Sushi. Oh my. I love sushi. Waco is not the town for sushi lovers. I love to eat. Being back in a metropolitan area has been great for my appetite! It was so good to spend time outside of work and outside of the house. I needed it. But it made me miss all my friends back in Waco so much more. I'm definitely ready to settle down into an area for a good long time.

Day 2

So I lied.

I didn't run yesterday.

I was going to but then I started reading online about running and it said to start off with twice a week. I was aiming for five times. So I decided not to run yesterday. But I also decided not to listen to the internet and start off with three times a week.

So I ran today. I did a little more than half of what I did on Monday but managed to do it in 15 minutes which is half the time of Monday. I had a lot of excuses not to do it but I knew that if I skipped today, it would be just as easy to skip Saturday. K needed me to watch the kids while she went to the food co-op and sorted produce. It was also sprinkling. I didn't mind the shorter run.

I need to figure out how to run with something over my mouth. I hate cold weather running because it almost burns when you breathe. Not fun at all. I don't know how to solve this problem.

I also realize I should invest in another hoodie. I only have one right now which will probably start to smell real good if I don't wash it soon. I think next time I run, I'll break out the iPod shuffle. It helps to have music. Plus on Saturday I plan on running further than I did on Monday.

Fun times.

I hope that by the time I get back to Waco, I'm running daily and around the Bear Trail. I also want to supplement it with kayaking and biking. I love the high I get after running. Oh, how I have missed those endorphins.

Day 1

Since today is March 1, I decided it was a good day to start running again.

It was 39 degrees outside.

I looked like this:

Except I was in all black with a shiny reflector belt.

And I got to wear my new shoes:

I managed to not trip.

Did I mention it was 39 degrees?

I thought my lungs were going to leap out of my chest and beat me to death.

The North has hills.

Hills = a whole lot more work.

But I did it.

And tomorrow I get to do it again.

Mommy, wow! I'm a big girl now!

Today, K and I went to Target ..... for almost four hours. I had no idea that one could pass that amount of time in one store.

Anywho, I bought mascara.

And a briefcase.

Holy smokes, I'm growing up.

After 26 years of life, I've decided that I should probably know how to wear makeup. And this is only because in October my oldest sister is getting married and I found out that she and the other two bridesmaids are all having their makeup done for the wedding. Maybe I should do mine too? So I bought mascara. And put it on without poking my eye out.

I also got a briefcase. Cause maybe I should look professional since I'm about to graduate and go on interviews. It's red and shiny with flair. Like me.

2 months and 18 days left...

I'm starting to think the biggest challenge of grad school is the stupid research project. I started stressing about Colloquium when I applied to Baylor which has now managed to turn into anxiety attacks whenever I sit down to write my paper. I'm so terrified of presenting in May. I wish this was all a bad dream.

Tattoos

I've decided to get another tattoo :-) I'm getting the fleur de lis but not because the saints won the superbowl (amazing) but because all of my tattoos are symbolic of important people, moments, and places in my life. I don't get them because I think they're "pretty" or "cool". I get them because I like them and I like having those constant reminders or memories as part of me physically. I will never have a butterfly or japanese character tattooed on me. No. Never. Ever. There is one tattoo that I have which is my least favorite. I would like to get it redone somwhere else. Coincidentally, this one tattoo also is the most sentimental out of all of them. I hate that it's the one I like the least. Another thing with my tattoos is that I like the creative side of them. I don't like tattoos that look like the real thing. So the fleur de lis that I'm getting is not your average run of the mill fleur de lis. It's got a funky flair to it.

And back to the question of why. What significance does the fleur de lis have? I've come to the realization that I will probably never live in Louisiana again. Baton Rouge will always be my home and parts of Louisiana have captured my heart and I love that it has had that affect on me. The Atchafalaya River Basin at sunset will always be an amazing sight. However, I have learned that you do not have to be "home". "Home" is something that you can carry with you tucked away in the corners of your heart brought to surface by visual reminders. This is the case for me when I look at the night sky. My mother and I were terrible at finding constellations but could always find Orion's Belt. When I moved away almost five years ago, Orion's Belt provided a sense of comfort to me as I remembered all those times my mom and I stood outside trying to find the Big Dipper or the Little Dipper or anything beside Orion's Belt. So of course it made perfect sense when I chose to get a tattoo of Orion's Belt. It might as well have said MOM in a big red heart but like I said, I like the creativity aspect. These reminders of whole have come to surface this past football season as everytime I see a fleur de lis, I am transported back to Louisiana and all the fond memories that I have of my home.

Tired of the same old

Hmm.

Different hair color? New tattoo? Different hair color? New tattoo?

Eenie Meenie Minie Mo

All I Can Say...

I cannot wait until I graduate. Seriously. And I think grad students lie to grad students behind them in school so that they don't lose hope and give up. My first semester everyone ahead of me said don't worry this is the hardest semester. Then, the second semester was harder. I was told not to worry because it was really the hardest one. Third semester was insane with the amount of work. And here I am now, in my final semester. I feel so overwhelmed with school work. I'm burnt out. And everyone said this one was the easiest. I also understand that I have more work than the other students in my cohort because my supervisor thought it would be a good learning tool for me to write process recordings each week. Good grief. I also have a weekly log and a research paper. But those are the manageable things. What is killing me are the process recordings and a paper I'm working on for internship.

I cannot wait to graduate. I cannot wait to be done with papers. I cannot wait to be done with process recordings. I cannot wait to be done with journals. Or research papers. Or homework. Or Capstone.

I cannot wait to sleep. I cannot wait to have a life. I cannot wait to be able to practice social work without being micro managed.

3 months 6 days

Checking in ...

I've been thinking a lot lately. Every year, I make resolutions that I truly want to keep. A week goes by and I'm following them and then a month and soon enough I've even forgotten what my resolutions were. So, in order to hold myself accountable, at the beginning of each month I'm going to check in to see how I'm coming along.

1) To live simply -- Hmm, this is still hard for me. BUT I did manage to spend 60% less than what I spent in January 2009. Hopefully, this will continue to improve. I admit, I bought clothes. Some of it I needed, most I probably could have gone without. I am getting good at online window shopping. I'll fill my cart and then close the browser. It takes a lot of will power.

2) To be happy -- This one involves spending more time with friends both old and new. I'm slowly getting better at this. I did make it down to see my friend, Cupcake, this past weekend even though I didn't know anyone else at her get together. And this Friday, the SW Interns are getting together, and, on Sunday, I'm heading down to a Superbowl party where I won't know a lot of the people. It's scary for me to go places with strangers but I end up enjoying myself. I need to work on calling my friends more. I did call one of my friends who is in a different time zone one night. It was good to catch up after I explained there wasn't an emergency and I really was awake at 1:30 in the morning :-)

3) To love freely -- This could be another post in itself. I will admit that I through myself willingly into the relationship with I. But I have also decided that I am a great person and if someone wants to be with me then they'll do whatever it takes including phone calls, dates, and all that romantic mushy stuff. I'm not quite ready to give up on I but, at the same time, I'm not holding my breath.

4) To take care of myself body and soul -- Ah, finally a resolution that I feel like I'm making progress on! It's amazing the difference a diet free of fast food and junk food makes. I feel better, and I think I look better. I've been snacking a lot on fruits and veggies too. I have been practicing a lot of self care as well. I wind down in the evenings and have done a good job of leaving work at work. I would still like to start working out but it needs to stop snowing first!

5) To be more positive -- If I were being graded, I'd get an F. Enough said. I really need to stop gossiping. Although I think there's a fine line between gossiping and venting. I need to find a healthier and more positive outlet.

6) To live a greener life -- I've been using my reusable lunch bag and water bottle. I also went to the store and bought two mugs so that I don't use the styrofoam ones at work. I don't make meaningless trips out so I conserve gas and reduce pollution. I think I'm doing okay with this one. I should probably start recycling more at work.


Ok, I think I'm doing okay. Obviously, I still have room for some growth. We'll see how this month goes.

Snow

Yesterday, the weather was a balmy 16 degrees, and we received 5-6 inches of snowfall. My friend, Cupcake, was having a game night at her place in Alexandria, and I was not about to let a little snowfall stop me from going. After all, I had made a king cake just for the occasion (even if it was my worst king cake to date - I blame the dough). While Cupcake is only 45 minutes from where I'm living, it took a little longer to get there because the roads had not been properly cleared. This means that I had a lot of time to think. And, boy, did I think.

I love snow. Seriously. I could sit in a window for hours watching it fall and blanket the earth. There is a serene, calmness that comes with fresh snowfall. It's incredible. I love standing outside with the snow falling around me listening to the .. well, nothing. It's an experience that is very hard to articulate. I love how the snow crunches under your shoes and makes your feet sink as you walk. I love the fact that in the middle of the night, it's still light out because the snow is reflecting light. I love that with snow there is a sense of innocence and rebirth. I just plain love snow.

I know that I tell people here that I hate it but really what I hate is snowfall in the city. It doesn't have the same effect on me as snowfall out in rural areas. It has the opposite effect in fact. It's dirty and brown and disgusting. I don't like walking in it, and I don't like seeing it. It doesn't stay fresh and innocent as long as the rural snow does. It only lasts about a day ... or until the plow trucks and sidewalk people begin clearing it all.

But rural snowfall has a strong hold on me. It has the ability to bring me to tears and fill me with amazement, awe, and reverence. I love this effect it has on me and, at most times, I can hold back the tears. I'm amazed that something like snow can have such an effect on me. The beauty of it can take my breath away. And it makes me feel alive. On the way home from Cupcake's last night, I was tempted to take a detour into the District and walk the National Mall nevermind it was midnight. The National Mall covered in snow was one of the most gorgeous sights I have ever seen. Again, I was filled with amazement and reverence and felt alive. I had to remind myself that taking a detour in 16 degree weather to walk through snow when not properly attired was not the smartest decision so I drove on. Between Baltimore and DC, there is the Baltimore-Washington Parkway (original, I know). It's designated as a state park so there aren't any buildings along the drive - just trees and nature. My drive last night was so beautiful. I was tempted many times to pull over and walk through the new fallen snow but had to continuously remind myself that it wasn't a smart idea. I drove along in deep thought about the fact that something like this could make me feel alive in a way I didn't know.

Then I began to realize that snow is not the only thing to have this effect on me. In fact ...

Tulips in the spring have the same effect. I am in love with tulips. I could sit and admire them all day as well.

And in the fall ...

the changing leaves have the same effect on me.

So all of this reflection got me thinking. I love the seasons. I have such an appreciation and admiration for nature and God's creation, why wouldn't I feel alive watching the seasons come and go? I feel alive at work as well like I'm right where I belong in terms of career. Now I just need to match these two up. I love the seasons up here but don't like the city feel. I love Waco but miss the seasons. When I start job searching at the end of February, I think this is something I'll be taking into consideration. Who knows where I'll end up .. Maine? New Hampshire? Wyoming?

Two weeks down and still loving it!

This past week at my internship was amazing. It started off on Monday with me having more interaction with the patients. I was a little hesitant my first week when my supervisor told me that we would talk about when I could have my own patients in my third week. Really? I would have to wait three weeks before we even talk about getting my own? Oh well. But I got to do two patient discharges and helped one of them move to our patient and family services pavilion (read: inexpensive housing).

But things started to get way better when I sat down with the Director of the Cancer Counseling Center to talk about what she does. During the course of my conversation with her, I kept getting more and mroe excited about what we were talking about. I felt like I could keep up with our discussion intellectually as we discussed Worden and Kublar-Ross and what therapy skills to use with our client population. It was all very intense and thought provoking and I could contribute! It really energized me as I felt as though I really was right where I belonged.

Then things just continued to get better. I went to a seminar Tuesday afternoon about survivorship and the emotional and psychological aspects of cancer. The speaker was Dr. Elizabeth Clark, Executive Director of the National Association of Social Workers (read: really important person in the land of social workers). Before the seminar started, I was sitting towards the front minding my own business because I don't like strangers and two people were standing in the front of the room talking. One of them looked at me and started chit chatting so I asked if she was Dr. Clark. She said yes and walked over to me. So I stood up and introduced myself as Kari the Social Work Intern. She asked which school I came from and when I answered Baylor, she responded, "Oh, yes. I've heard about you." What? The ED of NASW has heard of ME??!! Turns out that she and the director of the palliative care unit that I have gotten to know and asked if I can be part of was talking to her about me. And the best part? She's invited me down to DC to meet with her at the NASW Headquarters. I really have a hard time explaining the awesomeness of this to non social workers. But, needless to say, I'm psyched!

Then on Thursday, my supervisor was off for the day. I had the whole Bone Marrow Transplant Unit to myself. And you know what? I didn't screw up. I had an amazing day. I went on rounds, attended the staff meeting, updated everyone on the patients on the floor, did an evaluation by myself, handled two discharges, and then went and met with all of the patients on the floor. Some of them didn't have anything to say, one made me leave their room (I'm perfectly okay with this), and then the others had quite a bit to say. I have learned to meet the patients where they are. Sometimes this means that we talk about cancer and what's to come while other times it means that we talk about the crime rate in Baltimore, what it's like to be a car mechanic, the proper way to shave a dog, and other random topics. I had a wonderful conversation with a pretty cool sounding man. I don't know anything about their backgrounds or who they are outside of the hospital but for the most part, people in hospitals are pretty cool. Everyone has a unique story and I enjoy taking the time to hear them. Then on the way home, I called my supervisor to update her on the unit. She told me that with her intern last year, if she was going to take a day off of work, she would have told the intern to take the day off too. But not with me. She said that she had all the confidence in the world that I was ready to handle the unit on my own. Wow, what an overwhelming compliment for me to hear. I think that most of the time, I doubt myself and my abilities. I was so nervous at the start of the day but I handled it all well. Everything went smoothly and I knew when to call other social workers for help or questions. I need to start having more confidence in myself.

What an amazing week. I truly hope my friends are having as wonderful experiences as I.

Free Time!

I love this semester. For the first time since I started grad school I have free time. I worked like crazy this past summer and didn't have much time left over for reading. I've already finished two books and have a small stack of others to read. However, in looking over my stack, I realize that I choose some pretty heavy reading materials.

- Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert - the only real light reading of the bunch

- Between Me and the River by Carrie Host - a cancer memoir

- The Informed Heart: On retaining the self in a dehumanizing society by Bruno Bettelheim - Based on his experiences in the concentration camps at Dachau and Buchenwald, The Informed Heart is at once a classic report on that experience and an enlightening and liberating answer to all who fear the loss of self in mass society.

- Gods and Generals by Jeff Shaara - I LOVE history. Love it. This is part of the Killer Angels triology and covers Civil War battles told from the perspectives of key players on both sides. I am going to take some trips out to historic sights once the weather gets a little better.

- Enslaved edited by Jesse Sage and Liora Kasten - True stories of modern day slavery. Sad. Heartbreaking. Overwhelming.

From the mouths of babes ...

Living in a house with a 7 year old (W), 4 year old (N), and 18 month old (D) is quite amusing. The things they say are just hilarious. I thought it was time to share a couple of the memorable ones! And they're all from N, my little buddy.

- Banging on my bedroom door:
"I'm a Jedi! I'm a Jedi!" (I hear his dad say that he thinks I'm sleeping to which N says that I'm not and I told him he had to knock on my door before walking in).
"I'm a Jedi! I'm a Jedi!"
"N, I'm trying to take a nap!"
"No, you're not. You're talking."

- Running to the bathroom by my bedroom:
His mom: "N, knock first. Kari might be in there."
N: "No she's not cause she's not on the toilet."

- Knocking on the bathroom door as soon as I turned the shower off:
N: "I need to come in there!"
Me: "You can't right now."
N: "Why not?"
Me: "Cause I don't have any clothes on!"
N: "I won't look. I'll keep my eyes shut. Promise."

I haven't begun to procrastinate yet!

I know I should be working on my paper but really I lack the motivation today. I got up for church but then was too lazy to shower and get ready. Instead I went back to sleep. I'm a heathen, I know. Anyway, I really need to get my paper done while it's still daylight outside!

Last night, I had an absolutely wonderful date with I. I picked him up and we drove out to the Greenbelt metro station and rode into DC. It was freezing and by the time we got from the station to the club where the tango lessons were being held, we were frozen to the bone. I couldn't feel my toes and his hands were like ice. We had fun learning the dance steps. I had thought that dance lessons would be a fun activity and while they are, I realized when learning a sultry dance like the tango, it's a little more intimate than one would have anticipated. But really what I liked most about the evening was the fact that it was so comfortable with him. His saying is that you have two ears and one mouth, so he listens more than he talks. Our silences (though few and far between) were so comfortable. And when we were talking, we realized that we share a lot of the same values. It was nice to spend time with someone who understands why you're so passionate about causes or supports you in your goals without any criticism. We went grocery shopping when we got back from DC because there wasn't a restaurant open except for fast food and neither of us likes to eat that stuff. So we got some things for dinner and had a picnic in his apartment of vegetarian chicken nuggets, tangerines, and tomatoes. Yum! The thoughts running through my head were surprising but, for some reason, I am completely comfortable with how I'm feeling. I think it's safe to say that I do like this guy and I know that he likes me. It helps that he doesn't play any games and is open about his feelings. I am so excited to see how the future plays out and I can't wait to see him again :-)

Exhausted

I climbed into bed tonight at 8 pm. I just caught up with a friend on the phone and am ready to go to sleep. I am so exhausted both mentally and physically. I know that part of the reason is that I am still adjusting to my new routine. The mornings come so early! But another thing that I have noticed is that death brings mental exhaustion - not just for the person who is dying but for all those involved in that person's journey. I wonder sometimes if it's easier to be a family member who can express their feelings instead of a social worker who maintains composure at all times.

I sat in a room this week as we talked to a patient, his wife, and his mother about his discharge plans. He was going home to receive hospice care - he was going home to die. I grieve for this person and his children. I grieve for the father/daughter wedding dances that will never happen, I grieve for all the milestones that require the presence of a father. And I realized that the people that I meet on my unit are so much stronger and braver than I would ever be in the same situation. It tires me and hurts my heart to learn their stories and think about how death will forever change their lives.

I wish that I was not as tired as I am so that I could express everything I'm thinking and feeling at this moment but I believe sleep would be best for me at this point.

Good night!

So today was our third get together. We had a nice long breakfast before I went to work. It was comfortable without pressure. Tomorrow night, we're doing something. I don't know what yet cause he won't tell me. And Saturday, we're driving to DC and taking Tango dance lessons!

I had mentioned before that I felt as though my next relationship was going to suffer because of the way I was treated in my last one. I thought about that tonight and realize that I don't view it that way anymore. My next relationship is going to be so much stronger because of what happened. I am going to make sure that everything happens slowly and is that much more sacred. Can't wait to see what the next couple of days bring!