Snow

Yesterday, the weather was a balmy 16 degrees, and we received 5-6 inches of snowfall. My friend, Cupcake, was having a game night at her place in Alexandria, and I was not about to let a little snowfall stop me from going. After all, I had made a king cake just for the occasion (even if it was my worst king cake to date - I blame the dough). While Cupcake is only 45 minutes from where I'm living, it took a little longer to get there because the roads had not been properly cleared. This means that I had a lot of time to think. And, boy, did I think.

I love snow. Seriously. I could sit in a window for hours watching it fall and blanket the earth. There is a serene, calmness that comes with fresh snowfall. It's incredible. I love standing outside with the snow falling around me listening to the .. well, nothing. It's an experience that is very hard to articulate. I love how the snow crunches under your shoes and makes your feet sink as you walk. I love the fact that in the middle of the night, it's still light out because the snow is reflecting light. I love that with snow there is a sense of innocence and rebirth. I just plain love snow.

I know that I tell people here that I hate it but really what I hate is snowfall in the city. It doesn't have the same effect on me as snowfall out in rural areas. It has the opposite effect in fact. It's dirty and brown and disgusting. I don't like walking in it, and I don't like seeing it. It doesn't stay fresh and innocent as long as the rural snow does. It only lasts about a day ... or until the plow trucks and sidewalk people begin clearing it all.

But rural snowfall has a strong hold on me. It has the ability to bring me to tears and fill me with amazement, awe, and reverence. I love this effect it has on me and, at most times, I can hold back the tears. I'm amazed that something like snow can have such an effect on me. The beauty of it can take my breath away. And it makes me feel alive. On the way home from Cupcake's last night, I was tempted to take a detour into the District and walk the National Mall nevermind it was midnight. The National Mall covered in snow was one of the most gorgeous sights I have ever seen. Again, I was filled with amazement and reverence and felt alive. I had to remind myself that taking a detour in 16 degree weather to walk through snow when not properly attired was not the smartest decision so I drove on. Between Baltimore and DC, there is the Baltimore-Washington Parkway (original, I know). It's designated as a state park so there aren't any buildings along the drive - just trees and nature. My drive last night was so beautiful. I was tempted many times to pull over and walk through the new fallen snow but had to continuously remind myself that it wasn't a smart idea. I drove along in deep thought about the fact that something like this could make me feel alive in a way I didn't know.

Then I began to realize that snow is not the only thing to have this effect on me. In fact ...

Tulips in the spring have the same effect. I am in love with tulips. I could sit and admire them all day as well.

And in the fall ...

the changing leaves have the same effect on me.

So all of this reflection got me thinking. I love the seasons. I have such an appreciation and admiration for nature and God's creation, why wouldn't I feel alive watching the seasons come and go? I feel alive at work as well like I'm right where I belong in terms of career. Now I just need to match these two up. I love the seasons up here but don't like the city feel. I love Waco but miss the seasons. When I start job searching at the end of February, I think this is something I'll be taking into consideration. Who knows where I'll end up .. Maine? New Hampshire? Wyoming?

Two weeks down and still loving it!

This past week at my internship was amazing. It started off on Monday with me having more interaction with the patients. I was a little hesitant my first week when my supervisor told me that we would talk about when I could have my own patients in my third week. Really? I would have to wait three weeks before we even talk about getting my own? Oh well. But I got to do two patient discharges and helped one of them move to our patient and family services pavilion (read: inexpensive housing).

But things started to get way better when I sat down with the Director of the Cancer Counseling Center to talk about what she does. During the course of my conversation with her, I kept getting more and mroe excited about what we were talking about. I felt like I could keep up with our discussion intellectually as we discussed Worden and Kublar-Ross and what therapy skills to use with our client population. It was all very intense and thought provoking and I could contribute! It really energized me as I felt as though I really was right where I belonged.

Then things just continued to get better. I went to a seminar Tuesday afternoon about survivorship and the emotional and psychological aspects of cancer. The speaker was Dr. Elizabeth Clark, Executive Director of the National Association of Social Workers (read: really important person in the land of social workers). Before the seminar started, I was sitting towards the front minding my own business because I don't like strangers and two people were standing in the front of the room talking. One of them looked at me and started chit chatting so I asked if she was Dr. Clark. She said yes and walked over to me. So I stood up and introduced myself as Kari the Social Work Intern. She asked which school I came from and when I answered Baylor, she responded, "Oh, yes. I've heard about you." What? The ED of NASW has heard of ME??!! Turns out that she and the director of the palliative care unit that I have gotten to know and asked if I can be part of was talking to her about me. And the best part? She's invited me down to DC to meet with her at the NASW Headquarters. I really have a hard time explaining the awesomeness of this to non social workers. But, needless to say, I'm psyched!

Then on Thursday, my supervisor was off for the day. I had the whole Bone Marrow Transplant Unit to myself. And you know what? I didn't screw up. I had an amazing day. I went on rounds, attended the staff meeting, updated everyone on the patients on the floor, did an evaluation by myself, handled two discharges, and then went and met with all of the patients on the floor. Some of them didn't have anything to say, one made me leave their room (I'm perfectly okay with this), and then the others had quite a bit to say. I have learned to meet the patients where they are. Sometimes this means that we talk about cancer and what's to come while other times it means that we talk about the crime rate in Baltimore, what it's like to be a car mechanic, the proper way to shave a dog, and other random topics. I had a wonderful conversation with a pretty cool sounding man. I don't know anything about their backgrounds or who they are outside of the hospital but for the most part, people in hospitals are pretty cool. Everyone has a unique story and I enjoy taking the time to hear them. Then on the way home, I called my supervisor to update her on the unit. She told me that with her intern last year, if she was going to take a day off of work, she would have told the intern to take the day off too. But not with me. She said that she had all the confidence in the world that I was ready to handle the unit on my own. Wow, what an overwhelming compliment for me to hear. I think that most of the time, I doubt myself and my abilities. I was so nervous at the start of the day but I handled it all well. Everything went smoothly and I knew when to call other social workers for help or questions. I need to start having more confidence in myself.

What an amazing week. I truly hope my friends are having as wonderful experiences as I.

Free Time!

I love this semester. For the first time since I started grad school I have free time. I worked like crazy this past summer and didn't have much time left over for reading. I've already finished two books and have a small stack of others to read. However, in looking over my stack, I realize that I choose some pretty heavy reading materials.

- Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert - the only real light reading of the bunch

- Between Me and the River by Carrie Host - a cancer memoir

- The Informed Heart: On retaining the self in a dehumanizing society by Bruno Bettelheim - Based on his experiences in the concentration camps at Dachau and Buchenwald, The Informed Heart is at once a classic report on that experience and an enlightening and liberating answer to all who fear the loss of self in mass society.

- Gods and Generals by Jeff Shaara - I LOVE history. Love it. This is part of the Killer Angels triology and covers Civil War battles told from the perspectives of key players on both sides. I am going to take some trips out to historic sights once the weather gets a little better.

- Enslaved edited by Jesse Sage and Liora Kasten - True stories of modern day slavery. Sad. Heartbreaking. Overwhelming.

From the mouths of babes ...

Living in a house with a 7 year old (W), 4 year old (N), and 18 month old (D) is quite amusing. The things they say are just hilarious. I thought it was time to share a couple of the memorable ones! And they're all from N, my little buddy.

- Banging on my bedroom door:
"I'm a Jedi! I'm a Jedi!" (I hear his dad say that he thinks I'm sleeping to which N says that I'm not and I told him he had to knock on my door before walking in).
"I'm a Jedi! I'm a Jedi!"
"N, I'm trying to take a nap!"
"No, you're not. You're talking."

- Running to the bathroom by my bedroom:
His mom: "N, knock first. Kari might be in there."
N: "No she's not cause she's not on the toilet."

- Knocking on the bathroom door as soon as I turned the shower off:
N: "I need to come in there!"
Me: "You can't right now."
N: "Why not?"
Me: "Cause I don't have any clothes on!"
N: "I won't look. I'll keep my eyes shut. Promise."

I haven't begun to procrastinate yet!

I know I should be working on my paper but really I lack the motivation today. I got up for church but then was too lazy to shower and get ready. Instead I went back to sleep. I'm a heathen, I know. Anyway, I really need to get my paper done while it's still daylight outside!

Last night, I had an absolutely wonderful date with I. I picked him up and we drove out to the Greenbelt metro station and rode into DC. It was freezing and by the time we got from the station to the club where the tango lessons were being held, we were frozen to the bone. I couldn't feel my toes and his hands were like ice. We had fun learning the dance steps. I had thought that dance lessons would be a fun activity and while they are, I realized when learning a sultry dance like the tango, it's a little more intimate than one would have anticipated. But really what I liked most about the evening was the fact that it was so comfortable with him. His saying is that you have two ears and one mouth, so he listens more than he talks. Our silences (though few and far between) were so comfortable. And when we were talking, we realized that we share a lot of the same values. It was nice to spend time with someone who understands why you're so passionate about causes or supports you in your goals without any criticism. We went grocery shopping when we got back from DC because there wasn't a restaurant open except for fast food and neither of us likes to eat that stuff. So we got some things for dinner and had a picnic in his apartment of vegetarian chicken nuggets, tangerines, and tomatoes. Yum! The thoughts running through my head were surprising but, for some reason, I am completely comfortable with how I'm feeling. I think it's safe to say that I do like this guy and I know that he likes me. It helps that he doesn't play any games and is open about his feelings. I am so excited to see how the future plays out and I can't wait to see him again :-)

Exhausted

I climbed into bed tonight at 8 pm. I just caught up with a friend on the phone and am ready to go to sleep. I am so exhausted both mentally and physically. I know that part of the reason is that I am still adjusting to my new routine. The mornings come so early! But another thing that I have noticed is that death brings mental exhaustion - not just for the person who is dying but for all those involved in that person's journey. I wonder sometimes if it's easier to be a family member who can express their feelings instead of a social worker who maintains composure at all times.

I sat in a room this week as we talked to a patient, his wife, and his mother about his discharge plans. He was going home to receive hospice care - he was going home to die. I grieve for this person and his children. I grieve for the father/daughter wedding dances that will never happen, I grieve for all the milestones that require the presence of a father. And I realized that the people that I meet on my unit are so much stronger and braver than I would ever be in the same situation. It tires me and hurts my heart to learn their stories and think about how death will forever change their lives.

I wish that I was not as tired as I am so that I could express everything I'm thinking and feeling at this moment but I believe sleep would be best for me at this point.

Good night!

So today was our third get together. We had a nice long breakfast before I went to work. It was comfortable without pressure. Tomorrow night, we're doing something. I don't know what yet cause he won't tell me. And Saturday, we're driving to DC and taking Tango dance lessons!

I had mentioned before that I felt as though my next relationship was going to suffer because of the way I was treated in my last one. I thought about that tonight and realize that I don't view it that way anymore. My next relationship is going to be so much stronger because of what happened. I am going to make sure that everything happens slowly and is that much more sacred. Can't wait to see what the next couple of days bring!

Quick post before bed

So I realized today that while I am still trying not to hold my breath on the possibility of a relationship, I am excited about the prospect of one. I didn't hear from him all day which kind of bummed me out which made me realize that I am excited about this going some where. I still maintain my outlook of I better be woo'd if a guy wants a relationship with me. So I sent a text about 3:30 pm asking if he was still asleep because he worked last night and I don't know how long he sleeps after his last shift. Well, I never heard back from him. So I said oh well and decided to not let it ruin my evening. I checked my phone about 7:30 and saw that I had a voicemail and text message from him :-) Last night wasn't his last shift, tonight is so he was sleeping when I called him. And it looks like there is a chance that I and I will be having breakfast tomorrow morning before I start work. I can't think of a better way to kick off my first day. And hopefully, while breakfasts are nice, we can break away from that routine and actually go eat dinner somewhere outside of the hospital cafeteria! But it's time for bed so good night!

New Beginnings!

I arrived in Catonsville late this afternoon. 18.5 hours and 1200 miles. This is the longest solo roadtrip that I've now done twice except this time it was freezing outside! I had some snow along the way too and am now crossing my fingers that I don't get sick.

Riding alone in a car on New Year's Day provides an ample amount of time to sort out one's feelings and thoughts. I had several in depth conversations with myself along with some awesome singalong song time. One of the biggest conversations that I was finally able to sort my feelings out on has to do with marriage. I even talked with my friend Ashley about this briefly. She had made a comment in a blog awhile ago along similar lines but equated hers to shopping for cars. Anyway ....

One of the biggest things that I find myself thinking about is the state of marriage in our country. All too often, I meet people who have gotten married recently and I ask them how married life is and I hear way too many times that nothing is different than before. All that's changed for them is that there is a piece of paper. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not passing judgment on anyone about their choices. I'm simply stating that I don't want this to be me. When I get married and someone asks me how it is I want to tell them that it's amazing and wonderful and more than I could have imagined it to be. This is why I refuse to live with a guy before marriage and I'm not going to engage in certain activities. I want my marriage to be sacred. I don't believe in divorce (except of course in situations such as abuse ..) and I never want to be another statistic. I have a tattoo for my grandparents that symbolizes their 50+ year marriage that was wonderful and strong and full of love. That's the kind of union that I want to have. I want to be that marriage that everyone wishes they could have.

Obviously this is a conversation that I will have with who I date. And in my head in the car it was much more eloquent but I wasn't about to write the level of detail and explanations that I had in my head in this post. All of that isn't really for the world to know ... like I said I want my relationships to be sacred and special.

Speaking of relationships ... I spoke with I last night. I get all giddy when I get a text message because I hope it's from him. It was a short conversation since he was on break at work and I had just checked into a place for the night. But at the end, he said how do they say? sweet? sweet dreams? :-) Yes, they say sweet dreams. I am so looking forward to seeing him. I have a ton of things to get done tomorrow but I secretly hope he offers to run errands with me. Fancy date, I know but we're still in the getting to know you stage. I don't need formal structure all the time. And what I'm liking about this right now is that it's a very personal private thing. Only five people know about him - my sister, the woman I live with, and three friends. It's not that I want it to be a secret, I just want to give it the best shot without the pressures from everyone about where it's going or what's going on. My sister already said something that I would have heard from a lot more people if more people knew. Other than her, my friends and Kathleen seem excited for me :-) You might be wondering why I'm writing all of this up here if it's so private? First of all, hardly anyone knows I have this blog and two, I haven't really talked about him or said his name so you have no idea who he is. It's still private :-P

But enough for now, I need to learn to be succint in my posts. No one reads the long ones!
Night!

Happy New Year!

This is going to have to be a short post since I have to hit the road tomorrow morning to head back to Baltimore but I wanted to post seeing as how it is now officially 2010. I can't remember making any New Year's Resolutions last year but I am definitely making them this year. 2009 was not so great - a lot of pain and grief. 2010 seems to be promising according to my yearly horoscope. I'm not one to put a lot of stock in what they say but I do tend to believe them a little :-) and this is why ... according to it, starting in January, I'll be in a different job with new responsibilities. In July, I will either get a different job or move higher up in my current one. Financially, this year will see marked improvement over last year's financial situation, however, it won't start to show until June. My love life is also going to improve. I have made mistakes in my past but I will have the opportunity to find newfound love this year. So of course I'm excited!

So my resolutions are:
1) To live simply.
2) To be happy.
3) To love freely.
4) To take care of myself body and soul.
5) To be more positive.
6) To live a greener life.

To live simply - during my time packing my apartment, I decided I have way too much stuff. I need to cut down on a lot of things. I also need to watch my spending. So this year, I will only purchase the necessities for myself. That means no more clothes or movies or music. I realize that this will also help my second resolution in a way. You see, a long time ago before grad school, I had a phenomenally paying job. I bought anything I wanted. However, I realized that this made life difficult for others since I was never wanting for anything. I also learned that money does not buy happiness and found myself wishing for time with others over material possessions. So this year, I will spend more time with friends both new and old and family. I will have to work hard at this one since everyone I know will be in different towns/cities/states/countries. Resolution #3 to love freely - I've been thinking about this one since I left Baltimore. I and I have had a lot of text conversations and some phone conversations. I have to admit that I am truly looking forward to seeing him again. In the beginning I had reservations (which is a post for another time) but I have decided there's no reason why I shouldn't allow myself to be happy. So I will see where this goes and I will be open to whatever comes my way. I will definitely have to reflect on this some more. Resolution #4 to take care of myself body and soul - I need to really focus on this one. I appreciate the beauty of life and the fact that it is a fragile gift. However, when I think about the next 3.5 months, I realize that it will be challenging and tough. Death is never an easy thing for anyone and I have chosen to pursue this as a career. People look at me like I'm crazy but I don't care. I truly feel that God is calling me to do this. So I need to make sure that I practice self care so that I don't burn out. I also hate what has happened to my body over the past two years .. more so this past year. This needs to change especially since I can't buy any clothes this year! So I will exercise more and eat a healthier diet. I just want to stop being so self conscious about everything. I envy people who are secure with their bodies. Resolution #5 to be more positive - I have realized that I gossip a lot. This needs to stop. I also realize that I believe there is no difference between thinking something negative and saying it. So I will be focusing on thinking more positive things and gossiping less. This one will be the toughest I think. And resolution #6 to live a greener life - I used to try and do this and just need to get back in the habit. I will try not to waste as much and be conscious of what I'm doing. I have a reusable lunch bag with reusable sandwich and snack bags that my sister made me for Christmas. I also have grocery bags. I will try to not drive as much and walk whenever possible.

I will periodically reflect on these this year. But for now this will due. After all, I still need to get some sleep tonight for my long drive tomorrow. Two days and I'll be back in Baltimore. I can't wait to see what 2010 holds in store.

Happy New Year to everyone! May this year bring you wonderful opportunities and happy memories!