More thoughts..

I just finished watching The Family Stone. It's a romantic movie but it doesn't have the happy ending that you would expect. I think that it's a great movie because it's a good reminder that you don't have to have "the perfect ending", you just need to find the one that's right for you. Sure, a lawyer that makes enough for me to stay home and raise our 6 kids would be awesome but I have to find what's right for me.

I thought more about what I need and, given the craptastic night I had tonight, I think it's important for me to find someone that kind of sets me off balance ... or balances me out, however you want to think about it. I'm an ISFJ on the Meyers-Briggs Type Inventory. I'm actually quite high for the I (Introverted - I'm 78/100). So I need someone who's lower on the I or maybe really low on E (Extroverted). I feel that maybe one of the things that coincides with I is the need to be independent and keep everything inside. I don't want to burden anyone with my problems but I can't keep everything bottled up inside forever, it's not healthy. I need someone who will support me when I'm having a bad day. I don't need to be told that I deserve something or that I need to get thicker skin. It would be great to have someone that listens to me vent and says something like you're right, that guy is a jerk or that stinks, something that validates my feelings. I don't want constant validation .. just when I'm having a crappy day. Sometime it's nice to feel like I'm in the right .. even if I might not be. And sometimes, I really need a hug. It'd be really nice to have a husband who can sense when I need a hug and wraps me in his arms without saying anything.

As Ashley says "System Overload"

Ok, so this may be harsh but I've decided that the only person that I count on right now is myself. It's probably a bad day but I'm really fed up with how things went tonight. They're my problems, I'll deal with them myself and not burden anyone else.

Another year ...

So my last year of graduate starts tomorrow. I'm feeling a mixture of excitement and anxiousness. I can't wait to see where this year takes me but I am already stressing out over all of the work and the research project. I was talking to my mom tonight about the goals that I have set for myself. I feel like I've done a great job so far in following my dreams and achieving them. I started thinking some more about what I want out of life. I really feel like lately I've changed my focus on life and I feel so much better about it. I'm going to start living my life more instead of freaking out and worrying over it like crazy. This includes all aspects - including my non-existant love life but you know what? I am so much better off alone right now than stuck in a relationship with some loser. And I'm learning to stick up for myself more when it comes to relationships. The way I see it, whoever I end up with is going to be so incredibly lucky to have me. So there. Come on, life, show me what you got.

So let's take a look at some goals that I have for my life ...
- get a job at Johns Hopkins Hospital in their cancer center
- become certified in American Sign Language at Gallaudet University in DC
- get a PhD in Clinical Social Work
- visit all 50 states
- see more of the world
- become a homeowner

I'll have to see if I can find the list of goals that I made for myself a couple of years ago.

Now I need to get ready for school tomorrow and figure out where my classes are ... and probably look at the three readings I was supposed to have done.

So many emotions, so little time...

Wow, it's been a really shocking/crazy/hectic/depressing two weeks. So many emotions in such a short period of time, it really is hard to process through everything. I guess I should start back with last week.

I went to Brownsville, Texas with two professors that I am a research assistant for at Baylor University. We're working on a Hispanic Active Relationships Program grant that does marriage education classes. Brownsville is the second poorest city in the nation and evidence of this was all over the town. I feel as though my time at Baylor has been a life changing one for me. I look at the world through a different set of eyes now. I couldn't help but be affected by all that I was seeing. How can so many people live in such poverty while nothing is done to help? I wondered about resources available to the residents in Brownsville. It just pulled at my heart so much and I can definitely see myself working in the nonprofit community organization sector for a career (this was further reinforced by this morning's shoe shopping made possible by the Meyer's Center). I wish life came with a manual!

This week has been super hard for me. My grandfather, Bruce C. Lane, died on Tuesday.


My grandpa was a wonderful man with so many great stories. I was fortunate to be one of the few with whom he shared his experiences in the Army and WWII. I loved looking through his photo album and hearing him tell me stories not because I love history (although I do!) but because this was my grandfather and it was his life. When you become a grandparent, you've already had experiences as a child and parent and I think people forget to share those with their grandchildren. It was such a special thing for me to be able to have that connection with him. It's been rough and I'm going to miss him dearly.

Best Wishes, Melissa and John!

Last night, my friend, Melissa, got married. It was a beautiful wedding. John's dad was the minister and gave such a wonderful sermon and even choked up a little bit. The reception was a lot of fun too. I love going to weddings and just getting tons of ideas for my own .... some day!! I should be a pro by the time mine rolls around :-) But I really do think about what my life will be like down the road. A couple of months ago, I got out of an unhealthy relationship. They say hindsight is 20/20 and, yes, looking back there were several red flags that I should have seen early on but I refuse to sit around and think what if? I can admit that I was hurt but on the bright side, I have really thought about what I am looking for in a relationship. We tell the women at work to set standards and not to settle, so why shouldn't I? I don't think that I'm ready to date right now but when I am ....

I want:
- a man who will accept me - hopes and fears and everything - without judging.
- a man who is supportive of me and my dreams.
- a man who will kiss me goodbye in the mornings and hello in the evenings.
- a man who will sit around and do absolutely nothing with me and still have a good time.
- a man who will kill all the bugs and check on the things that go bump in the night.
- a man who can't wait to introduce me to his family.
- a man who loves kids and kids love him.
- a man with goals and aspirations of his own.
- a man who wants to raise a family in the church and realizes the importance of faith.
- a man that I can have deep conversations with and not argue over trivial things.
- a man that when I feel sick and awful can still look at me in a way that makes me feel sexy.
- a man that doesn't need reminders for special days.
- a man that will treat me like his equal and the love of his life.
- a man who understands the importance of family dinners.

And when I do find that special someone, I've got some great date ideas! Ha! Ashley and I were thinking about random things the other day and came up with these ...

1) sunset at Lake Waco with Sonic drinks
2) kayaking on the Bosque River
3) bike ride
4) walking the riverwalk at sunset
5) Practically Pikasso

And Ashley and I aren't waiting for any guys to come along for these dates! We're going to try them out ... taking our dogs to the lake to play and about to start bike riding all over Waco!